Things I’ve Learned From Watching Movies (that can help everyone in real life).


Having been a fan of movies for many years I must say I have been enlightened by all of the practical knowledge I’ve gained from them so I figured I’d share some of my conclusions with you. Feel free to chime in with your observations as well.

  • Aliens…
    • …always want to take over Earth because they’ve either exhausted their resources on their home world or have an illogical, deep seeded hatred for humankind despite never having been in contact with them.
    • …always know English but not any other human language.
    • …are highly intelligent but can always be thwarted by humans somehow.
    • …can develop interstellar travel but can’t come up with a quick-kill solution for taking out humans.
    • …are always humanoid to an extent if they’re intelligent. You’ll never see an amorphous blob demanding the surrender of Earth.
    • …always approach the US government or attack US soil first (New York in particular).
    • …always build perversely large ships that like to just hover above large cities or in orbit.
    • …despite not being able to comprehend emotions can have a miraculous change of heart and want to help humans in the end.
    • Their technology can always be deciphered by our top scientists.
  • Animals
    • (from Amy) Dogs are always super smart and hop in the car with just a whistle.
  • Fighting and Injuries
    • Blows to the head do not cause concussions or brain trauma
    • You can be shot or stabbed and not suffer from shock
    • You can fight bare-fisted for minutes on end without breaking any bones in your hands or gassing out completely.
    • You can get shot in the shoulder and still be able to use your arm effectively enough to either hang off an edge or pull someone up who is hanging off an edge.
    • None of these rules apply if you are a henchman for the bad guy – then you can be taken out with one stab wound, a punch or kick that could have easily been brushed off, be choked out or have a single bullet to anywhere in your body kill you.
  • Government and Institutions
    • The US government (or any government) is always bad, has unlimited resources no matter how much debt they’re in and has secret agencies that they fund.
    • All other governments always need help in some form from the US.
    • Government agents always wear black suits and ties and have earpieces so they can blend in with the rest of society.
    • There’s always corruption in the police department, even if it’s just a sheriff and deputy operation.
    • It’s mandatory that a prison has a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden, as well as one kind hearted prisoner who regrets helping out a hero later in the movie.
    • All corporations are inherently evil, above the law, have access to cutting edge technology, private armies and can manipulate multiple governments but seem to have trouble stopping a single individual.
    • It’s easy to assemble world leaders and top scientists in one place in less than 24 hours when the world is in danger.
    • In times of global crisis the world always turns to the US because they’re so super awesome and have the coolest technology.
  • Heroes…
    • …are never brought up on charges despite committing heinous crimes like murder, arson, kidnapping and destruction of public property.
    • …have marksman-like accuracy even if they have no training with firearms.
    • …have incredible range with whatever firearm they have being able to take out villains with a handgun form over 75 yards away.
    • …never have weapons that misfire or jam no matter the condition they’re in.
    • …have a remarkable amount of spare ammunition despite not carrying as much.
    • …can overcome whatever physical or psychological issue that has troubled him or her for years before the end of the movie.
    • …can go without eating or sleeping for at least 72 hours and have no ill effects on their physical or mental faculties.
    • …can travel via any means necessary without issue (e.g. they can run cross country without resting at intervals, drive any vehicle (boat, plane, car, etc.), obtain tickets without reservations, and cross borders effortlessly.
    • …can take a vicious beating and show no pain yet will wince if a chick puts a rag to his wounds.
    • …can utilize casual clothing as body armor effectively.
    • … gain incredible resiliency when they remove their shirt and go bare-chested.
    • …always have glistening white teeth, despite being in an environment or situation which should cause them to have dirty, missing and/or bloody teeth.
    • If a sidekick mentions his family in the first ten minutes of the film he will surely die before the end of the movie in spectacular fashion prompting the hero to avenge his death.
  • Language
    • If the movie is set in ancient times, everyone has a British accent no matter the region.
    • Everyone in the world apparently knows English; be it writing, understanding or speaking it.
    • (from Omawarisan) If there is a dragon in a movie everyone is british
  • Misc
    • (from She.Is.Just.A.Rat) Bomb diffusers and those trying to disable above mentioned self destruct mechanisms are only successful in the last 5% of the time available during the countdown. It is apparently one of the first lessons given to these technicians to NOT be quick with their work. Dragging it out the last possible second adds so much more drama.
    • (from Wendy) Even if they’re rebellious/messed up, teenagers always come around by the end of the movie to the parent’s/authority figure’s point of view.
  • Science (?)
    • Wooden tables and desks can stop large caliber bullets.
    • Shooting a gas tank will make it explode.
    • You can stay within a burning building for a long period of time and not even suffer 1st degree burns, just slight coughing and soot marks.
    • You can run full speed for many blocks without completely exhausting yourself.
    • Exposing yourself to radioactive material won’t make you sick and in fact give you special powers.
    • Viral epidemics can only be contained by firebombing the affected area.
  • Sex
    • No-one ever needs a towel or to wash up after sex.
    • You can pull up the sheets, lay back, and go to sleep after sex just like in real life.
    • All women moan but don’t sweat during sex.
    • You can always reach an incredibly intense, mutual, and simultaneous orgasm on the first try.
  • Racial Stereotypes
    • Native Americans can sense things via some sign in nature
    • Asians are all born with innate martial arts skills
    • Black guys (and girls) always die before the end of the movie
    • The black guy always knows how to use a gun or has one in his possession and has keen street knowledge despite his station in life.
    • Caucasians always have connections to higher-ups and big wigs.
  • Technology
    • High-tech government agencies (and villain hideouts) own computers that have multi-linked monitors with virtual reality, touch screen, three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities on custom stylishly funky operating systems.
    • You can crack any password on any system with only two or three tries no matter your level of computer science knowledge.
    • All computers are networked even when turned off.
    • Operating systems are always fast and you never have to save or wait for shut downs.
    • All wireless communications work at 5 Gigabyte per second speed.
    • Sitting in front of a computer screen will produce a glow in the shapes and text  that is on the monitor.
    • Computer screen resolutions are always high enough for the movie audience to see exactly what’s on screen.
    • Satellites can zoom to person-sized magnification with real time video no matter its position.
    • (from Omawarisan) When the lights go out you hear that sort of turbine winding down sound.
    • (from She.Is.Just.A.Rat) Large ships and complexes invariably have a self destruct mechanism with an abnormally long countdown that always ends up breezing by. No one ever does anything of importance until the last minute anyway.
  • Vehicles
    • Cars always explode when shot with bullets or dropped off a cliff.
    • Cars and planes can explode with empty gas tanks.
    • Commercial flights, no matter how small the plane is, are always roomy and spacious like real life.
    • Planes and helicopters are easy to learn how to fly.
    • Hiding behind a car door can protect you from gunfire despite most high caliber bullets being able to crack an engine block.
    • Airplane tires always screech when they touch down.
    • You can get into a violent car accident and walk away with merely a bump on your head if you wear your seatbelt.
    • Cars can screech on dirt
  • Villains…
    • …will always explain themselves before trying to kill the hero.
    • …usually have a traumatic childhood event that made them the way they are.
    • …have a British accent no matter their descent.
    • …have incredible vigor allowing them to sustain a deathblow and yet get renewed life for one more attempt at killing the hero
    • …always employ stupid henchmen with the smartest of the them being the right hand man.
    • …get paid yet they tend to dress well and carry very expensive weapons.
    • …have no firearms training (even army soldiers) and therefore always miss
    • …have armor that is ineffective.
    • …throw their guns away when they run out of ammunition instead of reloading.
    • …always lure the hero to an elaborately setup, overly exaggerated location for a final showdown that has the potential to either collapse or blow up easily.
    • …never get to have the last word.
    • No matter if the hero is unaware and being targeted for the duration a villain will always miss the first shot.
    • Whenever bad guys outnumber a lone hero they will always fight one at a time instead of gang beating him or her.
    • Henchmen have no social lives. They only hang out with other henchmen at the hideout.
  • Women…
    • …always needs to be pulled in by the man when being chased – even if she’s more physically fit than him.
    • …can deliver a baby in mere minutes (not hours) in hostile environments and suffer no ill effects from child birth AND in some cases be ready to run immediately afterward.
    • …are rarely depicted as alcoholics only drug addicts and whores (or both).
    • …never help the hero in a one-on-one fight. If she does she waits for an opportune moment instead of just jumping right in.
    • …wake up in the morning with their hair and makeup in place.
    • …can go through traumatic and devastating worldly events and have stylishly disheveled hair throughout.
    • …almost certainly scream and/or panic at the wrong moments. Men never do. (‘cept for Will Farrell)
    • If she’s a strong character she has to have an attitude or be bitchy because she’s had to deal with being tough in a man’s world.
    • (from Hippie Cahier) …usually happen to be wearing clingy white tee-shirts when there is impending water catastrophe.
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9 responses

  1. You’ve been building this for a long time.

    how about
    -when the lights go out you hear that sort of turbine winding down sound.

    – if there is a dragon in a movie everyone is british

    – after sex, women get out of bed and the sheet goes with them, attached just above their breasts.

    December 18, 2010 at 8:51 am

  2. Amy

    “Cars can screech on dirt”
    Urg! This one drives me crazy!

    How about:
    -No one ever has to pee.
    -Dogs are always super smart and hop in the car with just a whistle.

    December 17, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    • Very true. No one ever goes to the bathroom unless it’s for comedic purposes.

      I’ll probably update this post with everyones suggestions (and due credit) sometime over the weekend.

      December 17, 2010 at 4:54 pm

  3. Hippie Cahier

    …women usually happen to be wearing clingy white tee-shirts when there is impending water catastrophe.

    Looks like you’ve put a little time into this, eh?

    December 16, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    • Ah yes. Wet clingy t-shirts always help a lady maneuver better. lol

      I am a movie geek therefore I must make sure my movie facts are accurate. 😀

      December 16, 2010 at 11:57 pm

  4. Oh, forgot some. Large ships and complexes invariably have a self destruct mechanism with an abnormally long countdown that always ends up breezing by. No one ever does anything of importance until the last minute anyway.

    Bomb diffusers and those trying to disable above mentioned self destruct mechanisms are only successful in the last 5% of the time available during the countdown. It is apparently one of the first lessons given to these technicians to NOT be quick with their work. Dragging it out the last possible second adds so much more drama.

    December 16, 2010 at 11:01 am

  5. Wow, Ian…you’ve watched a lot of movies! It would be awesome to wake up every morning with hair and makeup in place! One thing you forgot: Teenagers: Even if they’re rebellious/messed up, they always come around by the end of the movie to the parent’s/authority figure’s point of view (I know from personal experience that happens all the time in real life…NOT!).

    Wendy

    December 16, 2010 at 10:36 am

    • True. There have been quite a few of those storylines.

      December 16, 2010 at 11:44 am

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