Do you believe there is a part of yourself, deep inside in your mind, with things you don’t want other people to see?

I feel like a cad for not writing much as of late. I thought I had been lacking things to talk about and that was the cause of my writer’s block. Turns out that’s not the case. It’s the polar opposite. My mind is incredibly unfocused because I have too much to talk about actually. I came to this stunning realization watching The Ricky Gervais Show the other day. If you’re unfamiliar with it, I highly suggest you watch an episode or two to really appreciate the brilliance of Karl Pilkington. He’s my new idol now. He lives up to his moniker of being The Most Brilliant Man in the World. Karl’s insights into everyday life often leave people flabbergasted. Many can’t fathom that a person can be so utterly naive but I’m a firm believer in the fact that some people’s train of thought just doesn’t go to the same cities as most.

In honor of Karl I’ve decided to share with you a half hour inside my mind while I toil away with coding and programming. This isn’t quite a free thought exercise because I did have to come here and spend an hour doing the classic editing and dolling up before posting but it’ll give you a good idea as to why I don’t think like most. In true WordPress fashion I present my first random thought list….

  • Why is it cute if a baby pukes on you but if you puke on a baby you’re vilified?
  • There should be a Child Return Program for parents who have dysfunctional children. Not handicapped, just the persistently bad ones. You know the ones where no matter what you do as a parent they still are bad. They’re obviously broken so you should have the option to return them and get a loaner while they fix your kid. A loner with the option to trade in… yeah… I like that.
  • There is no Ian, only Zuul.
  • I’m tired of the Broadview Home Security commercials that show the “classic” damsel in distress with the lonely female or mother and child suddenly terrorized by a male burglar. Like dudes can’t and won’t get scared if someone broke into their house. Truth be told, as crazy as mofos are now I’d be kinda scared shitless if someone broke into my place cuz there’s no telling what they can or would do.
  • Aragorn is a highly underrated actor. Just watch The Road.
  • I like wontons.
  • I think zebras were given a raw deal cuz really… where can they hide?
  • I’m built like a treasure troll. Maybe I can be that for Halloween this year. All I need is a wig and a belly jewel. (Welcome to your worst thought of the day folks)
  • Do secret documents really have the word SECRET scrawled on them?
  • Chocolate…
  • Professional Video Gaming, Golf, Poker, Darts and NASCAR are NOT sports FFS. They’re GAMES of competition, not physical sports. Sports dictates a a certain semblance of physical training and/or performance. While some may argue that you have to physically train for race car driving and golf, it’s a moot point when you see tubby bastards and old decrepid fuckers out there doing it. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of skill training involved but you don’t see me trying to get the World Series of Web Design started, do ya? My field requires a lot of skill. How about World Championship Sketching? Get over yourselves already. You’re not athletes and you never will be. Your products of the media’s attempt to wrangle viewers for the idiot box. End of story.
  • Nickelback is dope. That is all.
  • Prunes get a bad rep. Perhaps it’s time they get rebranded as something else cuz when you hear the word “prune” you think of bowel movements and old people.
  • Boobs rule. I dunno why. They just do. I’ve never really sat back and thought of why. I’m quite certain there must be some kind of genetic homing beacon embedded in there somewhere. 9 times out of 10 ladies catch a dude clocking her breasts and get offended. Ease up oh ye owners of the magic globes. It could be a heck of a lot worse. If staring at boobs was all about sex wouldn’t you think there would be far more crotchal staring going on? Imagine that the next time someone is staring and be thankful instead of disgusted.
  • Note to self: Never shave the moustache off ever again. I look like a caramel chimp without my whiskers.
  • Ever notice how “they” are responsible for so much in the world. Who the hell are “they”?
  • 60% of the time my plans work all the time.
  • Note to advertisers who want us to believe the supposed “real person” testimonials – hire people who don’t have bone white teeth. It’s kinda hard for me to believe a person’s comments are legit when I’m shielding my eyes from they glare off their teeth cuz we all know everyone in real life have shining pearly whites…
  • Someone should really put Paul Walker and Channing Tatum in an arena and have them do battle with a pack of rabid badgers. No this isn’t a movie idea. I want this to actually happen. It’d be awesome. Chances are one of them would get mauled and die and I  wouldn’t have to suffer their terrible acting anymore. A world without at least one of them would be a better one for you and me indeed.
  • I still don’t know what the hell a hubris is and I refuse to learn how to use it in a sentence.

7 responses

  1. Amy

    Dude, you are not alone. Random shiz like this streams through my brain all the time. Luckily, sometimes I can get a short story out of it or something, but most of the time the thoughts just float on by. It’s real bad when I get the song “Black Betty” stuck in my head and insert random objects into the song: “Woah, coffee pot, bam-ba-lam. Woah, lazy dog, bam-ba-lam . . .” It can get ridiculous.
    I like wantons, too.
    And, OMG, I read The Road and there is no way in hell I will see the movie. I don’t care if Vigo “Aragorn” Mortensen is in it. I wasn’t right for a week after reading that book.
    Boobs are pretty awesome. I’m quite fond of mine.

    February 8, 2011 at 9:53 am

    • Hehe that’s why I’m dreading reading it. I figure I’ll wait till I’m riding an amazing high then read it so I can come back down to Earth.

      February 16, 2011 at 3:27 pm

  2. Zuuly got to you, too, huh?

    Please be a troll for Halloween. Please be a troll for Halloween. PLEASE!

    February 7, 2011 at 8:52 pm

  3. You showed incredible hubris listing these things so freely. Just so you know, they have re-branded prunes, and specifically for the reasons you mentioned. Prunes are now officially known as dried plums. It’s true. It is also true that secret documents really do have the word SECRET scrawled on them. Boobs do rule, unless you happen to be a guy with actual boobs. There was a kid at our school who got boobs. I guess it happens sometimes to some kids during puberty. I don’t know why. But he had boobs. Good ones, at that. Eventually they went away. I don’t think his shame ever did though. Identify with that, will you? Oh yeah, not every baby is cute and it’s also a fact that some people are just born evil. It has nothing to do with the parents or anything, it’s just bad luck for the parents. That’s why some earlier cultures found it perfectly acceptable to toss certified evil children into the river with stones around their necks. Nowadays we just hope kids like that will get hit by a bus or contract MRSA, but “they” don’t seem to be listening. Have a good day!

    –the Gassy Guy

    February 7, 2011 at 1:15 pm

  4. I don’t know what you look like, but I think the troll idea is awesome. DO IT! 🙂

    February 7, 2011 at 12:30 pm

  5. Hubris…*facepalm*

    February 7, 2011 at 11:41 am

  6. Glad to see you back, Ian!

    Love the idea of the Child Return Program…do they have one for children who are simply annoying?

    “The Road” scared the hell out of me…I have no idea who Aragorn is…

    Thumbs-up to wantons, prunes and boobs!

    You do not look like a Troll…I’ve seen pictures!

    Hubris sounds like something you should bury…

    Welcome back!


    February 7, 2011 at 11:04 am

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