It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue

I hate myself.

Yet I’m so overwhelmingly proud of myself as well. Sounds like a paradox but here’s why. I’ve been a Professional Dumbass for a career amount of years now and in that time I’ve developed skills that have helped me ascend to the top of my field. One of those skills is the nefarious art of lying. It’s a skill I don’t employ too often but when I do I am a George Costanza caliber lie architect.

Yes a lie architect. A liar is just a fool looking to trick someone with a bad excuse. A lie architect is someone who can manipulate outcomes through careful scripting.

My services got called upon about a week ago. The husband of one of our friends up here (who shall remain nameless) wanted to surprise her with a visit. He wanted to keep the wool pulled over her eyes for as long as possible and looked to Suzanne to be the vehicle of deception to lure her to the airport when he arrived. Suzanne, being the sugary sweet cream puff she is, couldn’t formulate a viable lie if her life depended on it so she turned to The Architect. While not one of my grander concoctions, I did come up with a plan of action that was pretty well grounded. I gave her these instructions to run with…

You’ve secretly been in contact with my parents since my around my birthday (Dec. 6th). You felt bad about not being able to do much for my birthday or Christmas, considering the expenditures we had to make moving up here, but still wanted to try to do something special. You’ve been trying to work with them in arranging a secret visit. Nothing too long – maybe a weekend or so. However schedules and finances made it pretty much an impossibility December and January. Fortunately the planets aligned properly and what not and they were able to book a flight up for the 17th of February. They intend to stay for a couple of days and fly out on Sunday. The coup de grâce will be for them to “just show up” later that night and surprise the hell out of me. The whole trick of the matter is getting them to the Capitol Suites without me knowing.  My father has a bum leg and you can use all the help you can getting them from the airport to the hotel. Since you’re a n00b at lying you can cover up any nervousness about lying to her by claiming it’s nervousness about trying to pull off this grand deception on me.

Fueled with anxiety and the thrill of having a solid lie, Suzanne put the plan into motion. It was at that moment I felt bad. I began to question whether what I did was right or not. It came back to one simple question – can lying ever be for the greater good? It seems impossible when you think about it immediately. The basis of a lie is to deceive someone, right? And deceiving someone is bad, right? Even if it is for a good reason. Ultimately does the deed justify the act?

I toiled with this concept while I waited with bated anticipation of his arrival. Suzanne and I coordinated throughout the target day, trading emails back and forth updating one another. Unfortunately Old Man Fate stepped in and caused a cancellation of his flight so he ended up getting held over till today. The plan was still a go, by his request, so we picked up where we left off on Friday.

In the end everything turned out perfectly. Our dear friend was properly duped and now blissfully in the embrace of her clever husband,  Suzanne is puffy-chested and proud having pulled of an Oscar worthy performance and me… well I’m left with mixed emotions. I’m happy for helping make someone happy but I still feel a little awful for writing the blueprint for the deception. Con jobs like that are usually reserved for friends you’ve known for a long time, not recently made ones. You run the risk of not having that friend anymore after a grand ole bushwackin’ like that. However it was an awesome lie indeed and for that I’m proud.

To all ye would-be liars out there, take some advice from a pro. A lie is a work of art. It takes skill. It takes patience. It takes planning but most of all it takes commitment. Simply coming up with something off the top of your head is insulting to us pros and does nothing but come back to haunt you in the end due to its poor conception. The devil is in the details. The more back story you have the more believable the lie. Unfortunately a lie is only as good as your commitment to it. If you or your subordinates can’t follow through to the end then there’s no point in lying in the first place. Just like being held in the interrogation room, someone always cracks.

So to the young lady that I helped mislead (and I know reads this blog on occasion) I wholeheartedly apologize for laying the groundwork. Ironically, the greatest secret to lying is not doing it that often. Everyone lies. If they claim they don’t you’ve just witnessed a prime example of a bad, unformatted lie. If you plot, plan and sculpt your lies and do them infrequently they blend into the fabric of the truth seamlessly.

Trust me. Would I lie to you about that? 😉


4 responses

  1. I found this image from a google image search. Would you be ok with me using it for a blog post? It fit my theme quite well.

    August 11, 2013 at 6:34 pm

  2. Fun post, Ian…I have a terrible time lying too…glad it all worked out for your friend and her husband!


    February 19, 2011 at 6:42 pm

    • After a few glasses of wine everything was right as rain for me. Another successful mission. 😉

      February 21, 2011 at 1:52 am

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