Breaking News – The Jolie Uncensored


The Jolie caught engaging in lude behavior with the Bloom during her Arctic vacation
February 21, 2011 3:12 a.m. EST


By: The Frosty Bear

(DTN) – We’ve all watched as the Jolie’s path of mayhem blazed a trail across America and straight into the Canadian north. After having a rambunctious outing in New Brunswick, the Tomb Raider’s travelling circus hit the road once again, this time heading to near the top of the world  in Iqaluit, Nunavut. She wasted no time shacking up with her kindly hosts Ian & Suzanne Etheridge. Lucky for her she arrived during Super Bowl week. She had no hesitation joining in the hardcore football flavored festivities and wasn’t shy about being in front of the cameras.

After all she is the Jolie.

However after the dust settled, the chips eaten, the alcohol consumed and the Packers crowned champions of the football universe, I got a lead on something that would blow the roof off anything and everything we’ve come to know about the Jolie. I was approached by two gentlemen who told me they had exclusive information about the Jolie’s illicit affairs while in the capital city.

The two men wished to remain anonymous so I met them at an undisclosed location near where the Jolie was staying. The individuals, who had been living with the Etheridges for several years now, claimed that the one time World’s Sexiest Woman had been engaging in activity unlike anyone has ever seen before. We had suspicions when we saw her flirting with various shady characters throughout her travels but no solid infidelity claims could be made (sans some heavy petting issues that she’s cleared up in several press conferences). What these two whistleblowers promised me was clear-cut evidence and a guaranteed DTN exclusive.

Initially I thought it was yet another desperate attempt at wannabe fame-seekers trying to gain their 15 minutes in the spotlight. However after meeting them face-to-face I saw immediately that these men were dead serious. We met atop a platform with lighted floors that served no practical purpose to discuss their accusations. Apparently they had bore witness to several questionable acts by the Jolie and guaranteed they could provide us with the 411 on how to catch the scoop. One of the men, a former Republic employee spoke with me one-on-one.  The longtime resident of the Etheridge household went on the record telling me about the first few days following the Super Bowl.

“It was awful. We’ve always known our place here. While we don’t pay rent we contribute to the household in some way. Sometimes it’s standing around posing for guests. Other times it’s entertaining their cats. That woman… wow. I have no words. From day one she’s been taking advantage of every little personal freedom she can – with reckless abandonment. She drinks hard liquor, swears constantly, raids the refrigerator on an hourly basis, bullies everyone when Ian & Suzanne aren’t around and gets her dirty little fingers into everything. If something isn’t done soon I’m not so sure how long my Padawan and I can stay here.”

The Jedi first lead me to a location where they knew the Jolie would be. We arrived in time to see the Jolie confronting what appeared to be the Bloom near a broken down tenement.
Weapons were drawn and we were certain there would be bloodshed but apparently the Jolie respected the Bloom’s awesome man tunic and spitfire attitude so nothing ended up transpiring… for now.
The next day the informants tipped me off to where the Jolie was once again. We observed from a distance while she covertly met with the Bloom over by the Shelf of Oddly Stacked Books. My tipsters left me own my own to survey the area while they tended to important business of their own.
Coincidentally a few minutes after they left two other former Republic employees showed up at the scene and met with the Jolie as well. What are the odds of this many Jedi being in Iqaluit?
The quartet headed down to the local Table with a Runner and quickly setup shop for an impromptu dominoes session. The bones, candy and money flowed freely as the Jolie seemed to have the drop on her fellow gamblers.
After a few rounds of dominoes (and cleaning the two Jedi out) the foursome dwindled down to a twosome. I followed her as she made her way to the Storage Room. She managed to scale several stories without a rope and hit payday when she ended up on the Liquor Level.
She and the Bloom proceeded to drink the day away. Love was in the air when the Bloom graced her with a fancy (and expensive) pair of kamiks.
Before long it was quite obvious where this was all leading. The two of them headed up to the Bloom’s Shelf-top Highrise apartment.
I swooped in close enough to catch this exclusive footage. Watch out Brad! It’s the Jolie Gone Wild!
Needless to say we all know what happened next. You saw it all here on Dystopian Times North first folks!

The editors, writers and staff here at Dystopian Times North and The $#!& I Think About would like formally declare that the opinions, stories, and names depicted in this article are purely coincidental and have do not reflect the behavior and/or demeanor of Angelina Jolie, the actress, whatsoever. She is a kind, loving and nurturing mother who is an active member not only in her community but in communities around the world and is an Ambassador of Goodwill to all. She is a wickedly talented woman with a heart of gold that would never sue a person for poking a little fun at a demented little representation of herself. Right?

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13 responses

  1. Pingback: The Jolie Pez Project: Iqaluit, Canada | Blurt

  2. Pingback: A Tomb Raider in Iqaluit? | I'll Have Nunavut

  3. Hippie Cahier

    TOTALLY worth the wait! I’m with Thoughts. The last shot is too funny.

    February 23, 2011 at 9:18 pm

  4. Pingback: Good Golly Miss Jolie | Massively Attacked

  5. So it really is the shoes, isn’t it?

    This is great!

    February 21, 2011 at 7:21 pm

  6. Amy

    Cracking up at this! The blurred faces are priceless.

    February 21, 2011 at 4:54 pm

    • I’m just glad their identities were kept secret. ;p

      February 21, 2011 at 5:04 pm

  7. Oh, my…first the green guy, and now this! I am shaking my head…

    Wendy

    P.S. Thanks for the shoutout…have you thought about a lock for that liquor?

    February 21, 2011 at 1:17 pm

    • We didn’t need one prior to this but now I’m highly considering it – especially if she’s here for much longer.

      February 21, 2011 at 1:26 pm

  8. OMG! They didn’t! Love the feet shot!

    February 21, 2011 at 1:10 pm

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