Breaking News – The Jolie Uncensored
The Jolie caught engaging in lude behavior with the Bloom during her Arctic vacation
February 21, 2011 3:12 a.m. EST
By: The Frosty Bear
(DTN) – We’ve all watched as the Jolie’s path of mayhem blazed a trail across America and straight into the Canadian north. After having a rambunctious outing in New Brunswick, the Tomb Raider’s travelling circus hit the road once again, this time heading to near the top of the world in Iqaluit, Nunavut. She wasted no time shacking up with her kindly hosts Ian & Suzanne Etheridge. Lucky for her she arrived during Super Bowl week. She had no hesitation joining in the hardcore football flavored festivities and wasn’t shy about being in front of the cameras.
After all she is the Jolie.
However after the dust settled, the chips eaten, the alcohol consumed and the Packers crowned champions of the football universe, I got a lead on something that would blow the roof off anything and everything we’ve come to know about the Jolie. I was approached by two gentlemen who told me they had exclusive information about the Jolie’s illicit affairs while in the capital city.
The two men wished to remain anonymous so I met them at an undisclosed location near where the Jolie was staying. The individuals, who had been living with the Etheridges for several years now, claimed that the one time World’s Sexiest Woman had been engaging in activity unlike anyone has ever seen before. We had suspicions when we saw her flirting with various shady characters throughout her travels but no solid infidelity claims could be made (sans some heavy petting issues that she’s cleared up in several press conferences). What these two whistleblowers promised me was clear-cut evidence and a guaranteed DTN exclusive.
Initially I thought it was yet another desperate attempt at wannabe fame-seekers trying to gain their 15 minutes in the spotlight. However after meeting them face-to-face I saw immediately that these men were dead serious. We met atop a platform with lighted floors that served no practical purpose to discuss their accusations. Apparently they had bore witness to several questionable acts by the Jolie and guaranteed they could provide us with the 411 on how to catch the scoop. One of the men, a former Republic employee spoke with me one-on-one. The longtime resident of the Etheridge household went on the record telling me about the first few days following the Super Bowl.
“It was awful. We’ve always known our place here. While we don’t pay rent we contribute to the household in some way. Sometimes it’s standing around posing for guests. Other times it’s entertaining their cats. That woman… wow. I have no words. From day one she’s been taking advantage of every little personal freedom she can – with reckless abandonment. She drinks hard liquor, swears constantly, raids the refrigerator on an hourly basis, bullies everyone when Ian & Suzanne aren’t around and gets her dirty little fingers into everything. If something isn’t done soon I’m not so sure how long my Padawan and I can stay here.”
The editors, writers and staff here at Dystopian Times North and The $#!& I Think About would like formally declare that the opinions, stories, and names depicted in this article are purely coincidental and have do not reflect the behavior and/or demeanor of Angelina Jolie, the actress, whatsoever. She is a kind, loving and nurturing mother who is an active member not only in her community but in communities around the world and is an Ambassador of Goodwill to all. She is a wickedly talented woman with a heart of gold that would never sue a person for poking a little fun at a demented little representation of herself. Right?