Breaking News -“The Bear” No Longer a Threat To Domestic Wildlife


A Secret Lives of Cats Exclusive
Monday March 22, 2011 3:28 a.m. EST


By: The Frosty Bear

(DTN) – It was reported to DTN today that the infamous Resolute parka known as “The Bear” ceased to terrify long-time winter jacket-hater Jemaine Etheridge. Jemaine, a one and a half year old orange and white short-haired cat originally from Niagara Falls,  has been in staunch opposition against what he billed as being  “noisy and intimidating” outerwear since around October of 2010. The reasons behind his discord have never been fully disclosed but that hasn’t halted his protests over the past few months. He has staged under the bed one-cat rallies and anti-hunger strikes over the past half a year in an effort to make sure the world knew his displeasure with the disputed coats.

We spoke with Ian Etheridge, his step father, who explained to us the events that unfolded, “I had just come in from the post office with several packages in hand. Jemaine has never liked my coat so when I came in I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I figured he was off demonstrating somewhere but then I caught sight of him by the couch. He walked up cautiously, long necking the entire time but came right up to me and let me pet him with my parka on. He was of course still a little skittish but he didn’t bugger off under the bed in protest.”

This landmark breakthrough marks the end of a stalemate between Jemaine and the executives over at Canada Goose.

We caught up with Jemaine yesterday to ask for his insights into his amazing change of heart.

DTN: So Jemaine, what brought about this change in you?

Jemaine: I dunno really. I had just laid down in the living room after trying to eat my sister. My blood was pumping a bit but that was when father came in. He called to me and I swore he said he something to eat so I went over to him to see if he had something to eat but he didn’t have anything to eat. He only wanted to pet my head and not give me something to eat but by that time I didn’t realize how close I was to it.

DTN: Were you scared when you noticed you were near  “The Bear”?

Jemaine: Well more leery than anything. Like I’m quite certain it ate Sophie at some point. I haven’t seen her since it came into our house. I try calling out to her every morning at 6am but I think it digested her. That won’t stop me from trying to contact her though. I just fear for father’s sake. I’m not ascared of it. Really.

DTN: How do you explain the accusations about cowering in fear under the bed?

Jemaine: Mmmmm. Bed.

Unfortunately Jemaine was unable to finish the interview. We attempted to contact Brit for a statement on the matter but she declined with no comment.

We at Dystopian Times North can only hope that Jemaine follows through with his treatment and doesn’t slip back into bad habits.

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4 responses

  1. Crazy isn’t all that bad, right? Lmao! Fantastic interview 😉

    March 23, 2011 at 6:48 pm

  2. Yay, Jemaine…one small step closer to feline mental health…tossing you a handful of virtual Pounce treats…

    Wendy

    March 22, 2011 at 2:47 pm

    • Oh he’s a long way from being anything close to sane but thank you nonetheless for the support. We’re still considering staging an intervention for him because of his excessive eating. ;p

      March 22, 2011 at 3:32 pm

  3. Poor little guy (using “little” very loosely)…unable to finish the interview. Not surprising…when bed/food calls, it’s over…

    March 22, 2011 at 8:51 am

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