Insomnia, blogging, Arctic Char, Bell monkies and a traitorous unicorn


2:39am.

That’s when the sky starts to lighten up now. That’s about an hour earlier then at the beginning of the week. I’m a little concerned that my demeanor is slowly devolving into something that is a cross between Bugs Bunny and a zombie. My level of cynicism and sarcasm has risen to an all time high, my brain is constantly firing but it’s spouting out gibberish 90% of the time fused with inaudible groans, I stumble about more than usual without being drunk and I may as well hook myself up to the coffee IV at this point in time – which sucks because unlike normal humans coffee isn’t a stimulant for me. I drink it to relax myself and fall asleep sometimes.

Sleep.

I’m finding it incredibly hard to sleep up here. Correction, I’m finding it incredibly hard to sleep normally up here. My wife will contend that I sleep just fine but that’s not what my mind or body is telling me. It’s not that I can’t sleep with the sun out. Hell I can sleep standing up in a fully lit (and moving) subway car so that’s not an issue. It’s what this nuisance known as the sun is doing to me mentally. I find myself forcing myself to sleep rather than having it happen naturally. When we first came up here many moons ago I was absolutely in my element. I am a child of the night. Sorta like a sexy vampire but with no bloodsucking and looser pants. I’m alive at night. I work best at night. I write my best at night. When days consisted of 19hrs of darkness and 5 hours of light I was in my zone blogging, working and being just an Energizer Bunny full of life. I’m kinda glad I was at the peak of my blogging because had I started now I’d probably would have never blogged at all. It’s brutal. I couldn’t have anticipated how much a few extra hours of daylight would have such a profound impact on my daily living.

Who am I kidding? I’ve never liked the sun.

Regardless, as the days get longer and longer my Bizarro Superman darkness-fueled powers fade more and more. And we’re not even into Summer yet. That’s where the real fun begins. From what I’m constantly told we don’t get full on 24hrs of daylight because we’re just outside the infamous arctic circle but let’s just say it never really gets dark either. Woo hoo. Mix that with my wife into a new kick of playing music to go to sleep at night and I’m in store for a wonderous next couple of months. Mind you, she just bought a white noise machine not too long ago to help her sleep. You know those rainforesty, crashing waves crickets fucking type of things but apparently she’s abandoned that for block rockin’ beats.

I sleep with earplugs. Not by choice. It started back when there were habitual partying neighbors above us in our old apartment. I’m the kind of person that can fall asleep anywhere at anytime if I’m tired but if there’s even a hint of unwelcomed noise, I can’t sleep. I later donned the plugs once again when a child with name of the Norse God of Gods, Odin, walked the Earth above me. He certainly lived up to his tremendous namesake. I thought in fleeing to the arctic north I would relieve myself from the noises (and voices) that plague me nightly but then Jemaine and Brit  decided they learned enough English and elected to test it out every morning at 5am by singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. Mind you they only know the hello part and while to some it may seem cute and amusing, I wholeheartedly believe I can make a cat fly before the end of the summer if it keeps up.

I apologize for a great many things…

I apologize for posting a Lionel Richie video. Although I think he should be apologizing for the video itself. The girl is blind and he says “is it me you’re looking for”. That’s just some cold-blooded non politically correct shit there Horse Man.

I apologize for the run on sentences and tangents that stray from the main point during the course of this post. But then again if I don’t have a point to begin with is it really straying from it?

I apologize for not being a daily poster. No… I don’t want to be a giant paper on a wall. I’m just sorry I can’t produce as much content as others in the blogiverse can. I have weeks worth of events, sights and experiences locked in my brain but the creature at the helm of my brain only allows me to blurt it out as he sees fit. I write articles, albeit weird and disjointed ones at times. I can’t just write to hear myself talk. Some people appear to thrive off of that but that’s just not me. While I do ramble, rant and babble I do it for the people 4700+ people who have and still do come to this blog who area interested (for some reason) in what I have to say.  Thank you loyal and demented followers (and those passing through). It’s always comforting being able to spread my infectious dribble across the world.

I apologize for having an Arctic char in the freezer. Yeah. I got a whole frozen fish in my freezer and have never scaled or gutted a fish in my life. It had to be purchased though. I recall salmon steaks and fillets running at least $9 – $12 in the south for the skimpiest portions. This is a whole fucking char, freshly caught, for $25. How could I pass up a deal like that? Course my do now, think later mentality has put me in yet another bind. I don’t care. I’ll defrost and cut that bastard up somehow.

I apologize to Missy for stealing her unicorn and assassinating her with it. I didn’t mean to. Okay… that’s a lie. I did but only because you were slowly killing me the entire time I was fighting my way through the inner ring. C’mon. I was broke, had no fate and was dragging a dragon carcass around for most of the night. The gnome in my pocket didn’t help out much either. When I saw my opportunity to take you down I went for it and prevailed as the ruler of all. If you’re reading this and don’t believe a word of what I’m saying there were three other witnesses to monumental event so I’m not crazy. Course there was a lot of drinking involved too and I do recall Missy requesting that I draw it at some point so I guess that’ll be a future post, eh?

I apologize to Bell and Corus Entertainment for living on Baffin Island. When we left Kitchener we brought our  receiver with us. Bell still offered service up here so we figured it was easiest to just bring it and not have to worry about getting a new one. For months we’ve had the same Astral Media programming we had down south. You know like The Movie Network and east coast stations. That all changed 2 days ago when the brainiacs over at Bell decided to switch our service without notice. Apparently, according to them, the entire territory of Nunavut falls under their west coast services. Nevermind the fact Nunavut makes up about a third of the entire country (with roughly half of that in the east).  I’m no geographer but last I recall Iqaluit is still in the Eastern Time Zone. Heck, if you pull out a map or a globe you’ll see that we’re further east than Kitchener, Toronto and even New York so of course I want to see west coast programming. Does this make even remotely any sense to you? Maybe my sleep deprivation is making me see things in a skewed perspective but doesn’t it bear to reason that if I’m in an East Coast time zone, shouldn’t I get east coast programming? Bless Bell and the monkeys they have working there.

Lastly I apologize for being awesome. Over the last few weeks I’ve come under a lot of fire from critics and cynics for my proclamation of awesomeness. It’s understandable that there is a lot of animosity and jealousy when it comes to being in the presence of something truly awesome so in being the awesome guy that I am I’ll try my best to contain my aura. I’m not being egotistical or overly confident. I’m just being what I am. A tiger can’t help being a tiger. He’s born that way. I can’t help being awesome. I was born that way.


Logo Source: Courtesy World Wrestling Entertainment and the only person aside from myself allowed to refer to himself as awesome, WWE Champion Mike “The Miz” Mizanin
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12 responses

  1. 2:39 AM? That’s crazy! I have trouble sleeping with light…unless it’s a nightlight because I watched a scary movie.

    No need to apologize for the video…work blocked it.

    April 29, 2011 at 9:47 am

  2. “The gnome in my pocket didn’t help out…”

    Mine gets me in more trouble…

    April 28, 2011 at 5:36 pm

    • See what I mean! Mine even had a little axe and was still useless.

      April 28, 2011 at 5:38 pm

  3. Okay, okay…I didn’t realize gaming soundtracks were considered block rocking beats. I’ll go back to the waterfall. Sheesh!

    April 28, 2011 at 5:06 pm

    • Lies! You scared Brit (and me) with “There’s No Rest For The Wicked” one night. That is SO not a soundtrack song.

      April 28, 2011 at 5:12 pm

  4. Amy

    “You know those rainforesty, crashing waves crickets fucking type of things . . . ” Laughing so hard at this! And your cats singing Lionel Richie! Actually, I was laughing through most of your post. Even though it entertained me, I am sorry for your lack of blissful darkness and the resulting lack of coherent thought processes. I have no idea how well I would function in a mostly dark or mostly light world.

    Coffee isn’t a stimulant for me, either. Caffeine seems to have little to no effect on me. I just drink it cause it’s warm and tasty and gives me an excuse to waste a few minutes during the morning at my office.

    I hope you find a way to adapt soon!

    April 28, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    • One day… if I have my wits about me… I will record a video of this bloody cat singing so that the world will finally know I’m not crazy.

      April 28, 2011 at 5:11 pm

  5. I honestly don’t know what I’d do with all that sunlight. I’m a night person. Crap! Maybe I’m a vampire…oh who the hell am I kidding (I don’t sparkle). I’d probably end up putting aluminum foil over all my windows and freaking out the kids and neighbors. It’s okay though because they are already skeptical of me.

    Go ahead my friend and keep sipping on that awesome sauce. The best of us do. Hey, someone has to right?

    April 28, 2011 at 2:48 pm

    • Oddly enough foil on windows isn’t out of the ordinary up here. In fact it’s a way of life. I’m just glad we’re not further up the hill. They get the sunrise and sunset glare.

      April 28, 2011 at 3:45 pm

  6. I feel your pain about not being able to sleep, Ian…I usually go to sleep fairly easily, unless there is noise or light keeping me awake. Jim is the exact opposite…he goes to sleep with earbuds plugged into his laptop which is playing some old TV show: Hogan’s Heroes is one of his favourites (I used to like that theme song…sigh).

    Lionel Richie’s not so bad…he can sing higher than I can…

    “loyal and demented followers”…I resemble that comment…

    I’ve never bought a whole fish in my life…I don’t “do” fish guts…my cousin’s husband in Florida just posted this status: “Just spent 2.5 HOURS gutting/cleaning/filleting 2 whole fish for the first time. Not sure it was worth it.”

    Jim works for Bell Aliant (formerly Aliant, formerly NB Tel)…now that Bell has taken over, we dread calling them for any kind of “issues” we’re having (we pay them for digital TV, FibreOp internet, house phone and three cellphones – employee discount helps a little bit!). I hope you can get your service switched back to east!

    Glad to see a post from you…

    Wendy

    April 28, 2011 at 12:26 pm

    • Oh Bell. Don’t get me started. Let’s just say I spent the past hour discussing the matter with them only to find out that they’re basically telling me they can changes their terms of service with notifying us PLUS not only pay for services I didn’t sign up for but expect me to pay more for ones I should already have.

      April 28, 2011 at 1:45 pm

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