It could be worse…


The recent Canadian Elections has sparked quite a furor in my household. I don’t care much for politics (obviously) but my dear wife is engorged with anger and disappointment over the results. Any number of reasons can be cited for the unfavorable turnout but rather than dwell on the outcome I tried to express to her my overall view of politics.

Politics work in small doses. I’m not truly an anarchist in my way of thinking because I think every society needs some kind of governing structure. The problem arises when a civilization grows too large. Politics then serve as a catalyst for its inevitable downward spiral – pitting family and friends against one another.

Politics or religion. Pick your poison.

It’s foolish to believe one form of government, no matter how righteous, will appease the entire populace. That’s why I wait patiently for the world to be thrown back to the Stone Age. City-states will emerge and local politics will prevail. If you don’t like your community’s politics your choices are simple:

  1. Move to a new community with more favorable mandates
  2. Leave and start your own community with your own mandates
  3. Get killed by highwaymen and/or raiders

In trying to console Suzanne my mind began to wander as it often does. I started to wonder if the world went to hell today who would emerge as an influential presence in the post-apocalyptic future. If you, my dear Canucks, believe Stephen Harper is a handful imagine a world with one or more of these people running the show with unlimited power and influence:

Me – That’s right. Me. I’ve been planning for this longer than the deranged militants occupying the American Northwest. Those of you who are regulars here know my mindset well by now and would more than likely be given positions of power within my realm (or at the very least spared from a lifetime working at the rock factories). If you’ve stumbled upon this blog for the first time then there’s a lot you need to learn before you consider treading upon my hallowed grounds. I have a Caligula-like laundry list of eccentricities and things I can’t tolerate so if you aren’t up to speed on what makes my twisted mind churn you could find booted into the bottomless pit before you even realize it. It wouldn’t be entirely miserable though. I love animals so they’d be prolific in the community and I doubt the weekly mandatory movie reenactments would be too taxing.

Jerry Springer – I remember a couple of years ago I had a nightmare about this man. It was set in a Terminator Salvation-like backdrop. Me and some unknown person who was obviously a close pal of mine were scouting the hilly terrain scavenging for anything useful. In the distance we saw a fiery glow from just beyond the hill ahead of us. As we started to traverse up we could hear a faint chant echoing against the silent night. It was indecipherable at first but as we neared the summit it became louder and clearer. The unified chants of “JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!” rang out from the valley below where thousands of fist pumping individuals with tattered cloaks had gathered around a roaring bonfire. Moments later the chant gave way to delirious cheers as Jerry Springer stepped out from the flames. I woke up and realized I had fallen asleep with the TV on and The Jerry Springer Show was on. Any man who can be on the air for as long as he has and command the amount of idiots and degenerates he does needs to be seriously considered a threat to rule in a post apocalyptic world.

Kim Jong ll – Not a popular choice by many (I’m sure) but there’s no denying everybody’s favorite dictator. What makes me think KJ will make a strong run is the fact that he treats the world today as though it’s already post apocalyptic. He has his own army, doesn’t let neighboring country’s politics affect what he’s doing and has pretty much sealed his entire region off from the rest of the world. If anyone can make the transition over to the wastelands it’s him. He’s like 3 steps ahead of the game already.

Prince Harry – Trust me. His selection is not a search engine ploy. I legitimately think good ole’ Harry has a better chance than any of the royals to succeed in the wastes because he’s the most underestimated. He has an immediate appeal to the youth of the generation (especially with the ladies) but he’s far off the beaten path than his older brother. He smokes weed, gets drunk, sleeps around and parties hard. That’s the kind of debaucherous leadership people would be immediately attracted to. He’s like a red-headed pirate. Not to mention the fact that he’s served in the armed forces and has years of bent up “spare brother” frustration under his belt, he’d be a force to be reckoned with if he decided he had something to prove.

Vince McMahon – My odds on favorite (aside from myself). He’s a master at getting his dirty little fingers into anything and everything and the prospect of  post apocalyptic world would make him like a kid in a candy store. He has a keen knack for theatrics and we all know simple people are always dazzled by shiny objects so he’d have a disturbingly well populated nation. Unfortunately I think you’d have to be at least 6’2″ and 240lbs, ripped like a comic book character and wear spandex in order to apply to get in. Who am I kidding. They’d probably just be his royal guard.

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5 responses

  1. I vote for Harry.

    Or Margaret Cho – she’d make some hilarious laws 🙂

    June 2, 2011 at 1:20 pm

  2. I will give your selections some credit, and will say I don’t think Jerry would be all that bad. After all, he was once the mayor of a city in Ohio. Or was it governor of Ohio? I don’t remember, but either way, how about Him and Harry together? Or you and McMahon? Winning teams, for sure. And it would make an interesting election.
    Ava

    May 4, 2011 at 3:18 pm

  3. As your self-appointed campaign manager, Ian, I strongly suggest that you don’t use that particular photo on your posters. You’re supposed to look like you’d kiss people’s babies…not EAT them…

    I’m not happy about the election results either…

    Wendy

    May 4, 2011 at 10:02 am

    • I’m tired of the tidy and clean politicians. That’s pure I-haven’t-shaved-didn’t-have-a-haircut-in-ages-just-woke-up-with-no-coffee-uncensored me. I’d force people into wearing a button with that picture on it as a show of dedication.

      May 4, 2011 at 10:06 am

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