The Secret Lives of Cats – Northern Revelations


A cool breeze slips in through the partially opened balcony door. The sun is on the rise casting a baby blue blanket over the slushy capital city. Ravens the size of small cattle dance throughout the sky bellowing mating calls while the ever-present hum of airplane engines echo in the distance. It is 2am in the land of the Midnight Sun and all are asleep.

Everyone except the Dynamic Duo

“Hellooooooooooooooo?”

“Helloooo?”

“Owwww…”

“Why do you do that?” Brit asks Jemaine as she lounges lazily high atop the cat tower.

“I’m looking for her.” he replies trying to blog on the computer that is off.

“Sophie?” frustration creeps into her voice, “How many time do we have to go over this? She’s not here! She hasn’t been here for like months!”

He saunters his way over to the couch, “I know and I’m quite certain she was taken by The Bear. I’m still holding out hope for her. That’s why I call out in the middle of the night. Just in case she’s there. That and… I’m also hungry.”

“Oh my GOD! You’re still going on about the Bear?? It’s a coat for fuck’s sake! A coat! Anyone in their right mind can see it’s a coat!” she scoffs as she sits upright now and glares down at him

” No. No. It’s not. I’m certain it’s a bear. Do you hear the rustling sound it makes when it comes out? I have it on good authority that bears rustle just like that.”

“You’re an idiot. Bears don’t rustle. How do you even come up with this stuff??”

He charges up to the 2nd rung of the cat tower and starts tearing away furiously at the scratching post beneath her, “No you are the one who sucks, Brit! I’m right about many things. I was right about the vet wasn’t I?”

“What the hell are you talking about? You were caught off guard even more than I was!” she lashes at him before punching him on the top of his head.

“No no. Not that time. They fooled us that time. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice then…uh.. well it just isn’t good. I’m talking about the second time they took us.” swiping back at her but missing badly.

She sits patiently and watches as he punches blindly at her, “Are you daft? We’ve never been back there.”

“Yes we have. Don’t you remember when they took us to that one place where we waited for a couple of hours. Then we got in our apartments and took that really long drive. Then it was white and cold outside but then they brought us to that waiting room for a like a week or two. Remember how I said that it we just kept shitting they would know we were okay and they wouldn’t take us to the doctor – and they didn’t!” he boasts confidentially as he sits back and looks up at her.

“You are truly short bus aren’t you? That wasn’t a car ride you doof! We were in something far more terrifying than a car. I dunno what it was but it sure as hell wasn’t an automobile.”

She pauses for a moment then stares at him with wide unsuspecting eyes, “Oh my God. You think we’re still waiting to go to see the vet don’t you? You think we’re going back to the place with the stairs at some point? Dude… we moved. Don’t you realize that? I don’t know where we are but this really bright, white and cold place is home now. “

“You lie! I have been saving us all this time by crapping 20 times a day! That keeps the Bear away and the Bear can’t take us away like it did Sophie! I’m positive it is working for the vet!”

“You’re mad!”

“I am not! I will eat you now, Brit! Prepare to be eaten and then shat out for the greater good!

He launches himself up at her. Unfortunately his rather bulbous gut prevents him from scaling his way to the top-tier. Seizing the opportunity she leaps from her perch and onto the couch. Realizing he’s been outmaneuvered by his smaller and nimbler sister he regroups and springs towards her. His moves are slow and predictable. She dashes off the cushion and around the other couch before he even lands. Enraged he launches himself in her general direction. The laws of physics grab hold of him as his weight times the speed he’s moving send him crashing into the empty food bowls. The commotion startles Ian and Suzanne out of an already shaky night’s sleep. Before either of their visions can focus, Brit vanishes under the bed like a ninja into the darkness leaving Jemaine behind as he charges his way into the bedroom.

He now realizes he’s awakened father and mother and pauses. He wants to run under the bed but that’s not a good idea right now. Brit snickers at him from the shadows as Ian rises from the bed in a fit of rage. Panic-stricken he bolts from the doorway and back into the living room with father in hot pursuit. He tries to lose him in the maze of chair legs beneath the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him Ian has armed himself with the water bottle and he has now boxed himself in. Water pellets riddle his body as he cowers in fear.

The assault subsides and the father retreats back into the bedroom leaving a Jemaine wet and shamed…

“I will get my revenge, Britanny. Oh yes… I will get my revenge…”

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11 responses

  1. lifewith4cats

    Oh, Hahahah this was great! Hes just like my cat Twiggy.

    p.s. I like how in the categories you wrote ‘art’ with a question mark. 🙂

    June 8, 2011 at 12:55 am

    • They certainly make for good writing material, eh?

      Art itself is very subjective so what I may deem as art may not be what someone else does, hence my category Art? 😉

      June 8, 2011 at 2:16 am

  2. “I will eat you now, Brit!” —Love it!

    May 19, 2011 at 8:05 am

    • I’m tellin’ ya, I merely quote from observation. I’m quite certain that’s what he would say if he could vocalize it.

      May 19, 2011 at 3:06 pm

  3. I love your cat tales, Ian…

    Wendy

    May 16, 2011 at 7:14 pm

    • Oooo I like your witty pun there. 😉

      Trust me I only write out of observation. They deserve all the credit (and possibly a cartoon show).

      May 17, 2011 at 10:39 am

  4. Does Jermaine need a helmet?

    May 16, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    • No because then he’d a be a hazard to others more than himself.

      May 16, 2011 at 3:02 pm

  5. Amy

    “short bus” – love it!
    This sounds like the conversations my dogs probably have. I have a sweet, slow dog and a grumpy, too smart for her own good dog.
    Neither one sound Lionel Richie, though.

    May 16, 2011 at 1:49 pm

    • He’s been training for a year to get those silky smooth melodic Richie tones.

      May 16, 2011 at 3:03 pm

  6. Oh my god. Best one yet. Dear lord…Jemaine is so short bus.

    May 16, 2011 at 1:09 pm

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