I live for this s***!


So suddenly it’s all cool to like the apocalypse now, huh? It’s all hip and trendy. It’s the bee’s knees. It made its way around the globe and became a social media wildfire topic for the past 2 weeks.

Gimme a break.

I’ve been talking about this shit since I started blogging and now just because some deranged old cleric, who should have drunk the Kool Aid, decides he wants some attention he becomes a world-wide phenomenon (even though he was catastrophically wrong)? Sure, I had fun with it as well. I even joined in the Post Rapture Looting event on Facebook for a laugh but after the dust settles all of the bandwagon jumpers will go back to the things most important to them – porn, iPads and Jersey Shore. Thankfully this isn’t a trend that’ll last (or at least I won’t have to hear about again until next year) and I can go back to my (ab)normal love for the subject matter.

To the 5000 who have graced the hallowed halls of this twisted blog (and continue to do so) you’re okay in my book. When Ragnarök does go down rest assured I’ll make sure you all live well in my kingdom.

As for the rest of the world, thanks for once again sensationalizing something that really didn’t need to be sensationalized. Thank you for making me not want to write about my favorite topic until it becomes unpopular again. I have a long memory. You won’t be the lucky ones in the wastelands. Forget raiders and highwaymen – you’d better worry about my legion of followers.  To you douches who ruined a fun topic I have but one message for you:

All you motherf***ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We’re gonna f*** your mothers while you watch and cry like little b****es. Once we find the old f*** that made the prophecy, we’re gonna make him eat our s***, then s*** out our s***, then eat  his s*** which is made up of our s*** that we made him eat. Then you’re all you motherf***s are next.

If anyone (aside from my wife) can figure out where I borrowed most of that closing rant from I’ll make you a General in my dystopian kingdom. ;p

Peace out and enjoy the rest of your long Rapture-free weekend folks!

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10 responses

  1. I’m glad we’re all still here, Ian…it was fun to make fun of the whole idea for me…

    Wendy

    May 22, 2011 at 6:56 pm

  2. Amy

    A little late to the game (story of my life) on this one, but I do recognize the quote. Gotta love Jay and Silent Bob.

    May 22, 2011 at 4:26 pm

    • It’s okay. You’re still the head of my Zomberic Reasearch Division.

      May 22, 2011 at 4:40 pm

  3. lyndon

    Quotes from all Kevin Smith movies are great.

    May 22, 2011 at 10:23 am

  4. Jim

    Such a ball breaking rant should be carved in stone and hung in the halls of rant fame. I not only agree but totally approve.
    Nice post…

    May 22, 2011 at 6:50 am

    • Wow. That’s an awesome idea! I can hang it over the entrance to my post apocalyptic city. Kinda like an anti-ten commandments. I’ll call it The One True Rant.

      May 22, 2011 at 11:12 am

  5. Best rant ever…and I’m trying to guess at who might be able to figure out who’ll know the rant WITHOUT Googling it.

    And you’ve been obsessed with end times for a LOT longer than since you started blogging…I’ll have you to know.

    May 22, 2011 at 12:10 am

    • Hippie Cahier

      I’m experiencing total cognitive and affective dissonance because I’m not sure whether to be disappointed for you that the Rapture didn’t occur or happy for you that the Rapture didn’t occur.

      I am also glad someone came at least close to identifying the quote. I have an unusual concern about what the CSI folks will find in my Google search cache should I be found deceased under questionable circumstances. For my own sake then, the idea of the Rapture is helpful, because I can Google anything I want and no one will be around to see what I’ve been looking up.

      Three cups of coffee today. Can you tell?

      May 22, 2011 at 1:22 pm

      • I’m with ya there sista! I’m on my 4th right now after being up till about 5am this morning. I admit I’m a bit torn about how I’m feeling about this whole Rapture thing too. I’m bitter that it didn’t happen and that I have to go back into Orange Level Alert status but I’m more angry with the fact that we all knew it wasn’t going to happen yet we make a spectacle out of it that rivaled the imfamous Y2K bug.

        May 22, 2011 at 1:38 pm

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