Oh, wouldn’t it be great if I was crazy? Then the world would be okay.


Suzanne likes to mock me because I keep a Random Thoughts file on my desktop. What is a Random Thoughts file one may ask (but I don’t know why because it’s quite obvious)? It’s a simple text document that I make available for whenever I  have an errant thought that crosses my mind while working. I spend an obscene amount of hours in front of a computer. Most of the time its spent staring at line after line of coding. Sometimes my brain goes on recess without telling me and decides to start chatting at the water cooler about the weirdest subject matter. Whenever I’m blessed with one of these tasty thought nuggets I jot it down. I tend to have the memory of a lame rabbit so if I don’t write it somewhere I’ll forget about it.

After a while the file tends to get a bit lengthy. I did this once before with a previous random though post. I let that one go without publishing for far too long and I ended up sounding like a lunatic. I’m not a comedienne. I don’t sit here and write jokes as though I’m preparing for a stand up gig. I legitimately have had every thought you see here cross my mind. Some more times than others. Often these thoughts get turned into full-blown posts in and of themselves if I harp on them for long enough but for now they’re just random thoughts. So once again in honor of the patron saint of my kingdom, Karl Pilkington, I’ve decided to grace the world with more excerpts from my grand file of knowledge and excellence…

  • Relax is such a perverted song. “Shoot it in the right direction”. BWAHAHAHA
  • Why do we say “ouch” when a piece of clothing scrapes against something without doing any harm to you?
  • Damn… up here I feel like Penny from Big Bang Theory. No I’m not all of a sudden hot and blonde… just feeling really intellectually inferior.
  • I take exception to that the “girl next door” look. I’m 35 years old dude and I have never seen a “girl door next door” that looked like this proverbial girl next door. The last “girl next door” was a sunbathing crackhead prostitute. Yeah. Try to imagine that sight. It’s disturbing and I gotta live with that image burnt into my brain for the rest of life. Okay so my childhood best friend (and next door neighbor) had a sister and she grew up to be a beautiful young lady but that doesn’t count. She was like my sister. A very hot and delicious younger sister. Mmmm. Oh stop it with the frowns. I’m an only child and nothing ever happened.
  • My life is one continuous blonde moment… sorry blonde friends out there
  • If you are speaking loud enough that I can hear you – be it on your damn iPhone or chatting with your buds in the hallway – then obviously you want me to join the conversation.  So I will.  Don’t look at me that way.  I don’t care if I don’t know what’s being discussed.  When has that ever stopped me?
  • I’m a little tired of these ridiculously graphic “stop smoking” commercials trying to scare smokers into quitting. News flash ass monkey ad execs, the majority of people in North American DON’T smoke so your highly disturbing commercials are actually more offensive to the people who are doing their part than it is for the few who continue to smoke.
  • I’d sell a kidney to be Nelly Furtado’s jeans for a day.
  • If I owned a building and was renting apartments, my office would be laid out with ninja pressure plates throughout. Any potential renters would have to approach my desk. If they tripped my traps with their heavy footed selves they would SO not get a top floor apartment.
  • I’m done with the Bud Light “I’m in, I’m out” promotion. It’s bullshit. The bottom line is the I’m out guy has a job and will keep it. Nuff said.
  • Tried brushing my tongue today. Gag reflex kicked in. The bathroom will never be the same. Won’t be trying that again.
  • People often confuse wisdom with being smart. I’m not smart. I’m humble. I’m incredibly witty. I’m devastatingly awesome but certainly not smart by any means. I’m very wise though. Wisdom comes from experience and learning from those experiences. Being smart means you have a lot of acquired knowledge. Some may argue it’s the same thing but it’s not. If I were both smart and wise I would have this world under my thumb by now, but alas… I was created to be just wise. I will rule this world one day though. I won’t let a little thing like smarts get in my way.
  • I just saw an exercise DVD advertised on TV. It’s pretty wicked. You can now train women in large groups to be whores and it includes their very own Ho Pole..err Flirty Girl Exercise Pole for just a dollar. Sweet.

    I shit you not. Check the 1:43 mark and see if I’m lying about the pole.
  • I think my cat farted on me last night. I didn’t think they were capable of doing that but I won’t be resting my head near his bum anymore.
  • I should move forward with my new product campaign. INSTANT WATER – Just add water. All I need is a distributer…
  • Is Sisqo dead? He used to be popular but isn’t anymore. I liked his shiny hair.
Advertisements

14 responses

  1. Loved it! I actually got some bits of useful wisdom here and there.

    My random thoughts files are on post-it notes…(-:

    June 4, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    • Post-its work just as well. I keep a notebook handy as well.

      Anything to keep some documentation.

      June 5, 2011 at 3:18 pm

  2. “I’m not a comedienne.” Probably not…you’re a MAN, and you look nothing like Wanda Sykes! LOL. You are funny, though…

    I still think you’re smart…otherwise, I wouldn’t bother reading your posts…

    I don’t think any of my cats ever farted…my dog farts like crazy, but jumps down if anybody he’s sitting on farts…

    You have some random thoughts, Ian!

    Wendy

    June 3, 2011 at 3:17 pm

    • Thanks Wendy. 😀

      I’m not a comedienne but I certainly aim to entertain. I get bored talking to myself so it does my heart good that my ramblings have appeal across the spectrum.

      June 3, 2011 at 3:52 pm

  3. I tend to jot down random thoughts as well – but I’m not smart enough to keep them separate from my actual work.

    Being a Project Manager means I take a lot of notes, and send them out later to participants – it has happend more than once that in the middle of some discussion notes there will be a bullet point stating “Mike’s room smells like feet, not like Neutral” or “Did he just call me a Drug Mule?”

    Really hard to explain when the topic of discussion was (and always is) Insurance.

    June 2, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    • Too funny. Sounds like something that happened to a freind of mine a couple weeks ago. She does the minutes for board meetings and sends them out to all the members after they’ve concluded. She also keeps a personal journal that she writes in daily. It was a long day for her and she was late getting the minutes out and so she accidentally sent her journal entry that had the same date as the minutes.

      She’s just now recovering from that little mishap.

      June 2, 2011 at 12:49 pm

  4. Amy

    I’ve seen that Whorerobics commercial before. I just don’t know about people, sometimes.

    Love your random thoughts!

    May 31, 2011 at 9:49 am

  5. The cat farted? Thats what I say too.

    May 30, 2011 at 7:43 pm

  6. Love it! I spend a good majority of my day stuck in front of a computer as well. My brain takes water cooler breaks just like yours does, but I never thought of starting a random thoughts file. That’s an awesome idea. I’ll have to do it.

    I’ve brushed my tongue and although I didn’t gag, it just didn’t feel natural. It creeped me out actually and I won’t be doing that again any time in the near future. Cats do indeed fart because I have a stinky assed cat that can prove it! I love the Thong Song and will commence with the shaking of my ass within the first two beats of the song. Not sure what happened to Sisqo though. Hmmmmm

    May 30, 2011 at 7:28 pm

    • It’s all about the random thought file. You end up expending less energy trying to remember stuff.

      May 30, 2011 at 9:14 pm

  7. LoL. I don’t mock you for it…I just think it’s utterly hilarious and I love to read it. For example, remember my reaction to the Nelly Furtado’s jeans comment? Yeah.

    You never told me Jemaine farted! Yeah, I KNOW it was him. That’s why I call him Stinky…

    If I hadn’t married you, I would be hunting down Karl Pilkington right now…I love him.

    May 30, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s