Oh, wouldn’t it be great if I was crazy? Then the world would be okay.

Suzanne likes to mock me because I keep a Random Thoughts file on my desktop. What is a Random Thoughts file one may ask (but I don’t know why because it’s quite obvious)? It’s a simple text document that I make available for whenever I  have an errant thought that crosses my mind while working. I spend an obscene amount of hours in front of a computer. Most of the time its spent staring at line after line of coding. Sometimes my brain goes on recess without telling me and decides to start chatting at the water cooler about the weirdest subject matter. Whenever I’m blessed with one of these tasty thought nuggets I jot it down. I tend to have the memory of a lame rabbit so if I don’t write it somewhere I’ll forget about it.

After a while the file tends to get a bit lengthy. I did this once before with a previous random though post. I let that one go without publishing for far too long and I ended up sounding like a lunatic. I’m not a comedienne. I don’t sit here and write jokes as though I’m preparing for a stand up gig. I legitimately have had every thought you see here cross my mind. Some more times than others. Often these thoughts get turned into full-blown posts in and of themselves if I harp on them for long enough but for now they’re just random thoughts. So once again in honor of the patron saint of my kingdom, Karl Pilkington, I’ve decided to grace the world with more excerpts from my grand file of knowledge and excellence…

• Relax is such a perverted song. “Shoot it in the right direction”. BWAHAHAHA
  
• Why do we say “ouch” when a piece of clothing scrapes against something without doing any harm to you?
• Damn… up here I feel like Penny from Big Bang Theory. No I’m not all of a sudden hot and blonde… just feeling really intellectually inferior.
• I take exception to that the “girl next door” look. I’m 35 years old dude and I have never seen a “girl door next door” that looked like this proverbial girl next door. The last “girl next door” was a sunbathing crackhead prostitute. Yeah. Try to imagine that sight. It’s disturbing and I gotta live with that image burnt into my brain for the rest of life. Okay so my childhood best friend (and next door neighbor) had a sister and she grew up to be a beautiful young lady but that doesn’t count. She was like my sister. A very hot and delicious younger sister. Mmmm. Oh stop it with the frowns. I’m an only child and nothing ever happened.
• My life is one continuous blonde moment… sorry blonde friends out there…
• If you are speaking loud enough that I can hear you – be it on your damn iPhone or chatting with your buds in the hallway – then obviously you want me to join the conversation.  So I will.  Don’t look at me that way.  I don’t care if I don’t know what’s being discussed.  When has that ever stopped me?
• I’m a little tired of these ridiculously graphic “stop smoking” commercials trying to scare smokers into quitting. News flash ass monkey ad execs, the majority of people in North American DON’T smoke so your highly disturbing commercials are actually more offensive to the people who are doing their part than it is for the few who continue to smoke.
• I’d sell a kidney to be Nelly Furtado’s jeans for a day.
  
• If I owned a building and was renting apartments, my office would be laid out with ninja pressure plates throughout. Any potential renters would have to approach my desk. If they tripped my traps with their heavy footed selves they would SO not get a top floor apartment.
• I’m done with the Bud Light “I’m in, I’m out” promotion. It’s bullshit. The bottom line is the I’m out guy has a job and will keep it. Nuff said.
• Tried brushing my tongue today. Gag reflex kicked in. The bathroom will never be the same. Won’t be trying that again.
• People often confuse wisdom with being smart. I’m not smart. I’m humble. I’m incredibly witty. I’m devastatingly awesome but certainly not smart by any means. I’m very wise though. Wisdom comes from experience and learning from those experiences. Being smart means you have a lot of acquired knowledge. Some may argue it’s the same thing but it’s not. If I were both smart and wise I would have this world under my thumb by now, but alas… I was created to be just wise. I will rule this world one day though. I won’t let a little thing like smarts get in my way.
• I just saw an exercise DVD advertised on TV. It’s pretty wicked. You can now train women in large groups to be whores and it includes their very own Ho Pole..err Flirty Girl Exercise Pole for just a dollar. Sweet.
  
  I shit you not. Check the 1:43 mark and see if I’m lying about the pole.
• I think my cat farted on me last night. I didn’t think they were capable of doing that but I won’t be resting my head near his bum anymore.
• I should move forward with my new product campaign. INSTANT WATER – Just add water. All I need is a distributer…
• Is Sisqo dead? He used to be popular but isn’t anymore. I liked his shiny hair.