I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be
It seems as though I’ve let a bit of dust accumulate on this blog. After a rather busy month of blogging I suddenly vanished.
Like a ninja.
I’d love to blame it all on an incredibly busy social life. That’s not entirely true though. I admit the past few months have been a whirlwind of activity for me on the social front. I dare say its even been a bit overwhelming. I’m not a social slut but I find it really hard not to like people around here. Add alcohol to the equation and viola… I know more people up here than I ever did down south.
One would think that winning free tickets down south, locking down a permanent place to stay and having a budding social life would be enough to make me write for days and yet I find myself in a strange place mentally. All signs say I should be happy. For the first time in a long time things are looking up for us as opposed to us kissing the crusty ass cheeks of life but for the past few weeks my mind has been AWOL. I’ve felt like the little dude who runs my brain left it on autopilot. I can’t say I’m necessarily depressed or anything that emo. I’m just not happy. I’m not sad either. I just am and that’s what’s got me perplexed. Most days I feel like I’m seeing my life through a TV screen. I feel like I’m watching things happen as opposed to experiencing them completely. I’ve been involved in some pretty incredible things up here, met wonderful people and seen sights that I could have never dreamed of but still I feel disconnected from what’s happening around me.
I’m existing. Waiting almost.
I sometimes think it’s my mind’s way of putting me on guard for something it expects to happen because things are panning out well. I’m a pessimist. There’s no denying that. My life’s track record isn’t one where good things happen in succession. Whenever something good works out several bad things usually come in its wake. I’m antsy and on edge for some unknown reason and in turn it irks the hell out of me.
Some say it’s the wall everyone encounters when the first come up here. When exactly you hit it differs from person to person. Why it’s taken me so long to crash head first into this imaginative wall is beyond me but I suspect that’s what I’m contending with right now. I equate it to that mindless moment when you’ve been up for so long that you’re not even tired anymore. Your mind can’t focus on anything but won’t shut up for two seconds so you can sleep. Your body aches for rest but you toss and turn when you lay down. You end up checking out and go straight into zombie mode. No emotions. No concerns. Nom. Nom. Nom. You’re just there until your body says “no mas” and shuts you down. Oh how I wish sleep was an answer for this but it’s not. I’ve slept. I’ve somewhat adapted to the endless days. Rest is not an issue.
My mental constipation is.
So I took this post back to my roots. No pictures. No snarkiness. No comedy. Just a movie quote that relates to what’s on my mind. Who knows when I’ll get back on track. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Maybe never.
Only time will tell.
This entry was posted on July 12, 2011 by Ian the Zen Assassin. It was filed under Random Madness and was tagged with blog, blogging, confused, depression, emo, mental constipation, ninja, nom, perplexed, social slut, the wall, tired, weary, writers block, writing, zombie.