I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be


It seems as though I’ve let a bit of dust accumulate on this blog. After a rather busy month of blogging I suddenly vanished.

Poof.

Like a ninja.

I’d love to blame it all on an incredibly busy social life. That’s not entirely true though. I admit the past few months have been a whirlwind of activity for me on the social front. I dare say its even been a bit overwhelming. I’m not a social slut but I find it really hard not to like people around here. Add alcohol to the equation and viola… I know more people up here than I ever did down south.

One would think that winning free tickets down south, locking down a permanent place to stay and having a budding social life would be enough to make me write for days and yet I find myself in a strange place mentally. All signs say I should be happy. For the first time in a long time things are looking up for us as opposed to us kissing the crusty ass cheeks of life but for the past few weeks my mind has been AWOL. I’ve felt like the little dude who runs my brain left it on autopilot. I can’t say I’m necessarily depressed or anything that emo. I’m just not happy. I’m not sad either. I just am and that’s what’s got me perplexed. Most days I feel like I’m seeing my life through a TV screen. I feel like I’m watching things happen as opposed to experiencing them completely. I’ve been involved in some pretty incredible things up here, met wonderful people and seen sights that I could have never dreamed of but still I feel disconnected from what’s happening around me.

I’m existing. Waiting almost.

I sometimes think it’s my mind’s way of putting me on guard for something it expects to happen because things are panning out well. I’m a pessimist. There’s no denying that. My life’s track record isn’t one where good things happen in succession. Whenever something good works out several bad things usually come in its wake. I’m antsy and on edge for some unknown reason and in turn it irks the hell out of me.

Some say it’s the wall everyone encounters when the first come up here. When exactly you hit it differs from person to person. Why it’s taken me so long to crash head first into this imaginative wall is beyond me but I suspect that’s what I’m contending with right now. I equate it to that mindless moment when you’ve been up for so long that you’re not even tired anymore. Your mind can’t focus on anything but won’t shut up for two seconds so you can sleep. Your body aches for rest but you toss and turn when you lay down. You end up checking out and go straight into zombie mode. No emotions. No concerns. Nom. Nom. Nom. You’re just there until your body says “no mas” and shuts you down. Oh how I wish sleep was an answer for this but it’s not. I’ve slept. I’ve somewhat adapted to the endless days. Rest is not an issue.

My mental constipation is.

So I took this post back to my roots. No pictures. No snarkiness. No comedy. Just a movie quote that relates to what’s on my mind. Who knows when I’ll get back on track. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Maybe never.

Only time will tell.

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15 responses

  1. Okay Spidey, put down the C4 and step away.

    From one pessimist to another, this place sucks but it will pass. I’m going through something similar; did you drag me along for the ride?

    I’ll admit my place has dust bunnies big enough to star in your zombie movie, but I’m slowly cleaning out the cobwebs. Yell when you’re ready for me to pass the broom your way (that is, if I haven’t rode off on it yet).

    August 2, 2011 at 4:26 am

    • Hehe… I fear it’ll be a bit longer. Ever since finding out when my vacation was going to start I checked out a long time ago. Hopefully when I get back I’ll be revitalized but right now I’m just sitting on my 99th post, waiting for it to hatch.

      August 3, 2011 at 10:47 am

  2. That’s a very weird place to be, I know what you mean. I’ve had some strange “where did the week go, what am I doing with my life, why am I such a social slut” moments lately too. Weird. Hang in there. 🙂

    July 18, 2011 at 1:19 pm

    • I’ll bounce back. I already feel my twisted brain starting to settle down once again. Thanks for your support!

      July 18, 2011 at 2:36 pm

  3. I can totally relate to “just existing”, especially in the job I’m currently doing, Ian. There are some parts of it that are fun, and I’ve met a lot of nice people. The money’s okay, but not great (but beats the hell out of the alternative!). I find myself not having time to do the things I want to do (like blogging) and the things I need to do (like folding laundry).

    Hopefully, we’ll both find ourselves back to “living” soon!

    Wendy

    July 14, 2011 at 10:43 am

    • I’m so out of it I missed your comment. I really need some time off.

      July 18, 2011 at 11:01 am

  4. “You’ll figure that out. The more you know who you are, and what you want, the less you let things upset you.” – Bob

    I’ve been experiencing something similar. It’s almost like I’m waiting for something. I’m just not quite sure what that something is…….

    July 12, 2011 at 3:45 pm

  5. Perhaps you’re waiting for the bad to follow the good…like you said about the track record…positive things tend not to last. Who knows tho…maybe this city is the place of positivity for us? Goes with what you said before about us prospering only when others suffer. There’s a lot of suffering in Iqaluit… *sigh*

    On a happier note, I can’t get the phrase “social slut” out of my head now. So thanks for that…

    July 12, 2011 at 10:47 am

  6. Amy

    I read you loud and clear. I think I’ve been suffering from some sort of post-traumatic stress disorder for months (last year my life was flipped turned upside down – but I don’t have a rich uncle and auntie in Cali to escape to). Spending your time waiting for the other shoe to drop is no fun at all, I know.
    I hope you find a way to climb over (or bust through) that wall soon!

    July 12, 2011 at 8:46 am

  7. All in time…

    July 12, 2011 at 7:49 am

  8. I know the feeling all too well … feels like I’ve been on autopilot for the last year. There’s a lot of weird shit going on right now so hopefully you’ll be back to your old self soon. *hugs*

    July 12, 2011 at 5:17 am

    • Thanks. I hate feeling like a space case. It’s so nt my style. Maybe once I get back to some normal light cycles (aka the sun actually sets) I’ll get back to my usual bubbly self.

      July 12, 2011 at 10:51 am

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