Happy 100th Post to Me!

Okay so it’s technically not my 100th blog post. If you count all the posts I’ve made in my Zombie Apocalypse Blog and my shared Nunavut one, I’m probably nearing 150. Today I celebrate my 100th official post on my personal blog. When I first started doing this last year I never would have expected I’d write so much. Of course it’s nowhere near the amount some bloggers post at but it’s a major accomplishment for me. In honor of this monumental post I have recruited my dear buddy Amy over at Fix It or Deal and my lovely wife over at Massively Attacked to assist me on this project.

We’ve all heard some pretty stupid things in our lives. Heck many of us are guilty of saying idiotic things and don’t even realize it. That is why I’m taking it back to my roots once again and presenting you, the faithful, with my diatribe about my top 100 of the most annoying things people tend to say. Don’t feel bad if you see yourself on this list. I know I occupy at least half the spots on this list so take solace in that you’re hanging with good company. 😉

1. “There are no stupid questions”
   Oh there certainly are. Stop trying to convince the stupid that they’re not really stupid. Let them take responsibility for their actions for a change.
2. “Can I ask you a question”
   Is that not a question?
3. “New and improved”
   If something is new how can it be improved? It’s either or.
4. “I’m only human”
   What the hell else can you be? A banana?
   
5. “Same difference”
   Contradictory. Something can’t be the same and yet different.
6. “I, myself “or “I, personally”
   Oh my GOD… are you that vain that you have to refer to yourself twice at the start of a sentence??
7. “I thought to myself”
   Unless you’re Professor X I can’t see how anything else is possible.
   
8. “Does it hurt?”
   Of course it does! Whether or not I choose to whine about it is another story.
9. “Did I wake you?”
   Obviously if you’re asking me this question.
10. “I don’t mean to interrupt”
    You obviously do otherwise you’d shut the hell up and wait.
11. “Can we talk?”
    Sure we can. Most people can. Do I want to talk to you? No.
12. “All I know is…”
    That’s a pretty belittling statement about yourself.
13. “All I have to say is…”
    Is it ever really all you have to say?
14. “I’m just saying”
    No. You’ve said it a few times by now so there’s no just about it.
15. “That’s what I’m talking about”
    Funny how this is often said when he person hasn’t even said anything about the subject yet.
16. “It’s always the last place you look”
    Of course because that’s where you find it. Duh!
17. “Good things come to those who wait”
    No. Good things come to those who are patient and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. Those who wait are lazy, lethargic, useless wastes of space.
18. “I could care less”
    This suggests that you’re brimming with care and could scale back a little. Perhaps you should go over your grammar basics and say “I couldn’t care less”. Big difference.
19. “There’s no time like the present”
    That is so profound. When exactly did you get the DeLorean up and running?
    
20. “Truthfully/to be honest with you”
    Were you lying to me before this??
21. “This will hurt me more than it hurts you”
    Oh this is so false. I’m quite certain that if I shot you and felt bad about doing it your gaping wound would hurt a helluva lot more.
22. “It’s not you, it’s me”
    Wow. Really? You are so noble to assume the blame for everything. That doesn’t make you an asshole after all.
23. “Money doesn’t buy happiness”
    Being broke doesn’t either. At least money makes you very very content.
24. “Practice makes perfect”
    There is no such thing as perfection so it’s misleading to think you can achieve it.
25. “I beg to differ”
    Have you ever really met someone who actually begs to disagree with you? It kind of just happens.
26. “That was then, this is now”
    Yet another overly profound statement by someone trying to be profound. Way to state the obvious there, buddy.
27. “Get a life”
    You mean I haven’t been alive all this time? ZOMBIE!
    
28. “I can’t wait”
    You have to. There is no other option.
29. “I would like to…”
    I despise this lead in to statements like “I would like to compliment you” or “I would like to apologize”. This just tells me you really don’t want to. If you want to say sorry, just say sorry. Don’t want to say it.
30. “Ya or You know? “
    Got to love the insecurity of needing to ask every five minutes whether the person you’re speaking to gets what you’re saying.
31. “I know right?”
    Nothing says dink quite like this one.
    
32. “Literally”
    I hate it when people try to use this as a point of emphasis. “I literally jumped out of my skin”. Really? And you’re still alive?
33. “Everyone knows…”
    That’s a pretty blatant lie. If everyone knew then why would there be a misunderstanding in the first place?
34. “They say…”
    Ahh the infamous “they” sources. “They” apparently know a lot of things and “they” are responsible for even more yet no one can ever name them specifically.
35. “Irregardless”
    It’s not a word. Plain and simple. Get it through your thick skulls. Putting an “ir” in front of something isn’t creative. It just confirms you’re an idiot.
36. “That goes without saying”
    They why’d you say it?
37. “Bottom line”
    Funny how there’s always several more points that follow.
38. “With all due respect”
    Always precedes something insulting or disrespectful. People act like it’s a free pass to say whatever you like afterwards.
39. “Like”
    Like it totally drives me like crazy when people like use the word like to much.
40. “Forget it”
    Always used when an argument takes a bad turn but do we ever really forget it?
41. “We’re pregnant”
    Stupid statement couples use. I’m pretty sure men haven’t started sprouting ovaries and I know the lovely ladies out there will contend that there is no “we” about being pregnant other than the mother and the Tasmanian devil known as a child.
42. “I’m having a blonde moment”
    While blondes often set the standard idiocy knows no creed, color or race. Just look at Charlie Sheen.
    
43. “Carmel”
    It’s CAR–A-MEL you dumbasses! You sound more country than a sugar sandwich when you start making up new pronunciations.
44. “You’ll change your mind once you have a kid”
    Always used by parents towards those with no children. However why after you have a child why is it that 18 years later you’re thrilled as hell to get rid of them? Kinda hypocritical if you ask me.
45.  “Brah”
    It’s BRO and if you’re not black or actually a sibling then don’t use it. You just sound lame.
46. “Ghetto”
    Okay. Seriously. If you don’t come from the ghetto, never been to the ghetto or have ever seen a ghetto don’t deem something as that because it’s below your posh standards.
47. “Do I look fat?”
    Trick question. If you say yes you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s not true you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s true you’re still fucked because they think you’re lying.
48. “The shit’s gonna hit the fan”
    That’s just nasty and I have no idea how it got associated with trouble.
49. “Shit happens”
    Makes one believe a crap can happen at any given moment. Unless this is Jackass I find it highly unlikely
50.  “It’s a piece of cake”
    How the hell did this ever get associated with something being simple. It doesn’t even make sense!!
51. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”
    Are you kidding me? The reason why I’d have cake in the first place IS to eat it. Why would I just hold on to cake?
52.  “Easy as pie”
    Making a pie is NOT easy. Try it. From scratch. See how long it takes you.
53.  “I saw it with my own eyes”
    As opposed to?
54. “Put your best foot forward”
    How does one know which foot is the best? I a couple of broken toes on my left one and my right one was dislocated a dozen years ago and never healed properly.
55. “Cross my heart and hope to die”
    That’s just morbid. Why would want to do that?
56. “If I were you…”
    You’d know better than to utter those words.
57. “Better late than never”
    Tell that to pizza delivery people.
58. “Why are all the good men taken?”
    Always said by the most greedy, bitchy, dimwitted, pretentious good for nothing chicks.
59. “The tables have turned”
    People don’t even know where this phrase came from and end up using it improperly. It was a term used back in the colonial days. People used to butcher their fresh meat on the same table they would eat on. They would simply flip the top upside down to have their dinner. The phase came to be when they didn’t want someone to come in they’d “turn the table” to the butcher side to show they were busy and didn’t want company.
60. “Welcome to my world”
    Wow. You must be some kind of extra-dimensional being that has graced our world from the great beyond with you holier-than-thou attitude.
    
61. “Walk a mile in my shoes”
    I can’t even walk a kilometer in my own shoes. Why the hell would I want to walk in your shoes? Chances are you’re not even a size 12 so I’m at an even bigger disadvantage.
62. “The only thing to fear is fear itself”
    Uhm no. If you’re standing face-to-face with a polar or brown bear it is definitely the bear you should be very afraid of.
63. “Nunuvvit “
    It pains me to hear people, especially Canadians, butcher a name so badly. It’s Noon-a-Voot, dammit! That’s like saying the Yuck-on or Vane-cow-ver or Basstin… oh wait. They actually do call Boston Basstin. ;p
64. “110%”
    Okay seriously. Let’s just stop trying to make your effort more than it mathematically can be. You’re not impressing or convincing anyone.
65.  “It’s all good”
    I’m utterly guilty of this one. It always manages to come out when a situation is clearly not that good.
66.  “Upmost”
    It’s utmost, you ignorant asses. They’re doing remarkable things in GED programs nowadays. You should check them out.
67. “Dialogue”
    Sheer mutilation of grammar when you hear folks say “We need to have a dialogue” or “Let’s dialogue”.

    
    (Contributed by She.Is.Just.A.Rat)

68. “Nucular”
    It’s “nuclear” folks…NEW-clear not nuke-u-lar…
    
69. “Some of my best friends are gay/black/Hispanic/etc.”
    If you must insist this, you’re probably racist/homophobic/etc.
70. “I didn’t do nothing”
    Well then, you must have done something PLUS you’re totally guilty of bad grammar.
71. “totes”
    As in I’m totally going to do something…come to think of it, totally isn’t too spectacular of a word either.
72. “Y’all”
    ESPECIALLY if you’re in the south
73. Galaxifying everything – as in Twitterverse, blogosphere, etc
74. “Shouldn’t of”
    It’s shouldn’t have, Einstein
75. “It’s not rocket science”
    Yeah, well, it still might be above my head, FFS
76. “Trust me”
    This usually means the opposite of what you should be doing when someone says this
77. “Everything happens for a reason”
    No, I’m pretty sure there’s some random chaotic shit that occurs for absolutely no reason.  This however, does not preclude ‘cause and effect’.
78. “Takes one to know one”
    This is the slightly more adult version of “I know you are, but what am I?”
79. “Epic”
    That is all.
80. “BFF”
    …can go and die in a hole right now.
81. “Exact same”
    Redundancy at its finest
82. “There are no losers today”
    Unless it’s a tie, someone’s performance was NOT as good as that of someone else.  So there is definitely a loser.
83. “I could be wrong”
    Yes, you could.  And you probably are.
84. “You can do anything you put your mind to”
    Lies!  I’ve been willing myself to fly for years now…and I still can’t do that.  There are some things you’ll never do.
85. “Awhile”
    It’s “a while”. Stop making up new words because you’re lazy.
86. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another”
    Wow.  Did you figure that out through process of elimination?
87. “Dirt poor or filthy rich”
    Well what is it?  Because I need to know the proper level of grubby that I need to be here…
88. “Conversate”
    I know you want to use this word when you mean “converse”, but it doesn’t make you sound any more intelligent than you are.  In fact, it usually has the opposite effect.
89. “You can’t do that!”
    Oh yes I can…watch me!  Just because I’m not allowed to, doesn’t mean I can’t do it.
90. ANYTHING the news says to get you to watch e.g. “You won’t believe what’s threatening your life at the grocery store now…coming up at 5!”

    
    (Contributed by Amy)

91. “What can I do ya for?”
    Was this ever clever? Can we strike this from our collective lexicon?
92. “My husband would never let me do that.”
    Are you kidding me? You’re not an indentured servant, don’t act like one.
93. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
    Actually, sometimes when bad things happen they eat at you and tear you down and make you weak. Just because I survived doesn’t mean I’m stronger for it. It just means that I didn’t roll over and die. Please stop saying this to people.
94. “Someone’s cranky this morning.”
    Saying this to me is a good way to get punched in the throat.
95. “Hey, girl.”
    This, by itself, isn’t annoying, but try hearing it from a 50+ year old, gold-chain-wearing sleeze-ball on a daily basis and you’ll develop a chronic dislike of these two words. Trust me on this.
96. “Computers don’t like me.”
    They aren’t dogs. They can’t smell fear. Learn how to use a mother-frackin’ computer!
97. “Can you help me un-jam the copier?”
    Translation: Can you un-jam the copier while I stand behind you and huff impatiently?
    
98. “Just kidding.” or “I’m only joking.”
    Really? I thought you were deadly serious when you said you were going to lock your mother-in-law in the basement like the troll you suspect she is. How awkward. I’ve already called the cops. (Hint: If we’re laughing with you, we know you’re joking. You don’t have to clarify.)
99. “Oh, I’m wacky. You never know what I’ll do next.”
    Unlike #98, if you feel the need to tell people you are wild/crazy/wacky, then you’re probably the exact opposite.
100.  “How many kids do you have?”
     It’s amazing how many people assume that because I am married and of child-bearing age I must have children so they just skip the standard “Do you have kids?” question and jump right to asking how many. Fair warning: If you ask me this question be prepared for my stock answer of “After I sold the first three on the black market, I stopped keeping count.”

As always if you’ve found something I’ve said offensive, derogatory or demeaning then by all mean send your complaints to:

getasenseofhumor@pissoff.com

Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow!