Speak No Evil


After a long deliberation period that has taken the better part of this decade I have decided that I’m going to phase out speaking to people.

Why take such a dramatic course of action one might ask?

Well it’s not a decision that I prefer, just to set the record straight. 9 times out of 10 I’ll express something perfectly clear only to have it met with a “huh” or “pardon”. At first I thought it was just individuals questioning my responses but over time I’ve found that people just seem to have a problem just understanding me period.

It’s as though I speak with a mouthful of rocks or something. It’s very gut-wrenching when you reply to something and get that lovely smile and the “I have no fucking idea what you just said but I’ll nod in agreement anyway” look. I don’t mumble and I’m quite certain my speech isn’t impaired (at least when I’m not drunk) therefore I find myself grasping at what it could be.

There are many factors that could be the cause. I have a New York accent that even after a decade away from the Big Apple I have yet to shake. Not that I want to mind you. I’m actually quite proud of my vernacular. It’s distinct enough to be easily detected yet I can actually say talk and coffee.

I also stutter occasionally, stammer more than I’d like and often get caught up searching for the right word. I’m frighteningly sarcastic but the wiring between my brain and mouth must have been done by a blind chimp because I struggle to convey even the most basic things sometimes. I don’t sound like a clod all the time though. Heck some people have actually deemed my particular brand of oratorical dumb-fuckery as being “very cool” or “really mellow”.

For me however, I’ve just grown very weary of everyone not understanding what I have to say. My mouth apparently can’t keep up with my brain therefore I am abandoning speech and sticking solely to writing from now on.Writing makes me appear smarter and wittier than spoken words could ever accomplish. Besides it’s easier to appear intelligent when you don’t have to open your mouth. I can edit what I have to say, Google things I’m not 100% sure about and correct my flubs with the wonderful power of a spell check.

I can be the intellectual I want everyone to think I am.

I’ll eventually slap a text-to-speech app on my computer so that those who still wish to talk to me can have a true Stephen Hawking-like experience. Now if you think this concept is a little off the wall, wacky or just plain weird think about it next time you’re Tweeting or chit chatting with someone on Facebook. How well do you really know a person if you haven’t physically spoken to them? They could be a Professional Dumbass just like me.

This message has been brought to you by the Foundation for Old School Friendships.

“They’re not a friend unless you’ve had dinner at their house or they at yours”

(If you think I’m a fool now, listen to this)

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10 responses

  1. Hey, at least they acknowledge that you’ve spoken to them. Half of the jackasses I work with don’t even acknowledge that I’ve spoken. I swear that some men have a gene that equates any female voice with nagging which then must be “tuned out”.

    September 3, 2011 at 4:37 am

    • I think I smell a post on the horizon. 🙂

      I apparently don’t have that gene. It mutated and I tune out idiots. I always listen to the ladies – even when I don’t want to. It’s amazing how popular you get when you’re responsive. Chicks think I’m either gay or a “really good guy”. If they only knew… >:)

      September 3, 2011 at 10:20 am

  2. People are terrible listeners who are too proud to admit they’ve screwed up. Why don’t they understand how insulting it is when they try to cover? I’d say stuff again.

    September 2, 2011 at 6:59 pm

  3. It is very disconcerting when the words that comes out of your mouth aren’t what your brain ordered. I just blame menopause. I guess you don’t have that option.

    September 2, 2011 at 6:34 pm

    • Maybe I’ll just blame old football injuries. I did get a couple of concussions back in the days.

      September 3, 2011 at 10:15 am

  4. As much as I despise having to talk to certain people (I’m not talking about Mr T…giggle), I have found that I just can’t keep my mouth shut and often get pleasure out of telling people how obviously stupid they are. I say that is what you do. Instead of taping your mouth shut and yanking out some facial hair, when someone is an idiot tell them so. If they don’t understand what you are saying, advise them on where they can get themselves and education.

    It’s so much fun!

    *warranty on said advice is null and void with the push of submit comment button. There is no guarantee that following such advice will not result in physical violence and loss of friendships and/or jobs.

    September 2, 2011 at 3:37 pm

    • I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve told people that. Having my new HAL voice will save my poor vocals the strain of telling people the same things over and over.

      September 2, 2011 at 5:38 pm

  5. Amy

    I’ll take stammering through a mouth full of rocks over that atonal, souless HAL-9000 voice any day. Seriously. That was creepy.

    I have a feeling you’re going to go through a ton of duct tape in your attempt to phase out speaking to people.

    September 2, 2011 at 10:49 am

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