Rants

I don’t think that there’s anything worse than being ordinary


I think the term mental illness has a huge stigma attached to it. A lot of people suffer in silence for fear of being labeled, criticized or treated differently. Back in the good ole’ days people with issues were covered under the blanket category of crazy. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been called crazy and/or weird I could live comfortably in Iqaluit for the rest of my life. When I was young, crazy was a term I didn’t concern myself too much with. I knew I wasn’t short bus & helmet crazy, but I was certainly different from my chums. Nothing I did or said was typical. I savored being different. It made me feel unique in the sense that no one else acted as I did. Heck, crazy is what got me through high school relatively unscathed. Even bullies wanted no piece of “the crazy guy”. It’s amazing the aura of protection you get when no one wants to be the one to set you off. I have friends to this day that remember me not for being a super awesome fantabulous buddy but a certified nutcase. Mind you, although I’d never done anything outrageously insane all it took was some embellishment by my peers to turn molehills into mountains. Clinical terms such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Autism, Depression, etc started to become more popular as I grew old and were frequently used to label individuals who were different. While I’ve never been diagnosed with having any condition I know there’s stuff going on inside my dome that isn’t considered normal by a lot of people’s standards.

That’s the part that irks me the most. The whole effort to be “normal”.

What is normal?

There’s so much energy invested in trying to achieve this idealistic vision of normalcy put before us that it’s easy to see how when someone is mentally ill they can succumb to their inner demons. People tend to treat those with mental illness as though they’re lepers, meeting them with looks of pity or disdain. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone in the world today that doesn’t have some sort of issue. It’s the shame implied and reinforced by those who don’t understand it that makes dealing with it so hard. Very few out there are cognizant enough to know how to deal with the situation when confronted with it. Those who are sick don’t need pity. They need help. An illness, be it physical or mental, is still an illness. Some are more serious than others. Some can be remedied completely while others can only be treated partially. It sickens me that people keep problems buried in the dark corners of their minds because they fear being looked at differently. They fear showing weakness. I get it. It’s human nature to always want to appear strong or infallible. A defensive mechanism of sorts. One shouldn’t feel weak by sharing their problems. The amount of effort put into hiding it is what causes the true weakness. It’s hard to keep that “normal face” up if you’re constantly in flux with yourself internally.

Writing is a great outlet. I write on two blogs but this particular one is as close to therapy as I can get. Sometimes just saying what’s on your mind is incredibly cleansing, especially when you don’t have the weight of disgrace hovering over you. I have very little shame. I shed the brunt of that a long time ago. I find it easy to talk about matters that years ago I would have just avoided. Maybe its age that changed things. Maybe it’s repetition. It’s often said that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. All I know is that burying my problems only served to bolster them.

Of the half dozen disorders I believe I may have, the one I’m certain of is depression. It’s been the Lex Luthor of my life for quite a long time now. It’s arguable to many that anger management issues might be my ultimate nemesis but I counter that with the fact that I have never raised a fist or my voice to anyone in anger in 20 years. They think heated emails or grumbles of frustration constitute me being an angry person. Trust me when I say this, if I had anger management issues I would either be dead or in jail; not writing for blogs and sharing my experiences. Yes. Depression is the true beast. I have no shame in saying topics like suicide are a daily occurrence in my head. Everyone automatically thinks that because I’m the funnyman it’s always cartoons and pop culture in my world. Quite the contrary. There are mornings when I open my eyes and wish I hadn’t. Times where I cycle through the many ways one could take their own life. Pills, gun, blade, hanging… you name it I’ve probably thought about it. Depression is a very real thing. I’m not talking feeling blue or having a bad day. I’m talking real depression. Having a bad month, year or even decade.

Some would question what would put me in such a state of mind considering I have a loving wife, two great parents and a bevy of friends I’d shed blood for. It’s twisted but sometimes it’s almost impossible to recognize those that have unwavering love for you. The brain is wired awkwardly like that. Problems seem insurmountable and you easily lose sight of all the bright lights in your life. My family and friends are what keep me trudging along. That and the ability to speak about it freely about anything. My life is no more or less difficult than the next person but we each deal with the hand we’ve been dealt differently. I don’t look for sympathy for having the thoughts I have sometimes. I embrace it, acknowledge it and look for help when I can. If I kept it bottled in me then it would be all consuming. I can see why so many get engulfed by their own feelings.

Having lived in the north for a couple of years now the subject of suicide has been in my face more than ever. So many young people up here take their lives because they feel worthless, neglected or just flat out helpless. They’re embarrassed or ashamed to share what’s on their minds and it’s truly heartbreaking. I’ve not only been in that boat but I captain it every day. Depression is scary. It takes you to places you never thought you could go. If you’ve never been through it before it can seem like a no-win situation. That’s what often leads to the actual act of suicide. Just because you’re experiencing depression doesn’t mean you have no options. Write what’s on your mind. Keep a journal. Share it with others or just use it as a release for your thoughts. Talk with someone. Anyone. Doesn’t necessarily have to be someone you know. People are often so wrapped up in what others think about them that speaking to family or friends ends up being the hardest thing to do. Talking to a stranger is easier than a lot of people think. If you can’t do it face-to-face then text somebody or chat with them online. The point is get what’s clawing at the back of your mind out in the open so that you can confront it. Smash that boulder of insecurity resting on your back and know that there are others – many others – out there who struggle with this every day. As sappy as it sounds, feeling like you’re alone is incredibly crippling. Depression is a festering lesion that will spread if not treated.

I don’t know who reads this blog. Well… I know some but the multitude I have no clue about. They come from all over the world to my amazement. Some are just killing time. Some stumble upon it. Many never come back. I’m not a trained medical professional or a psychologist. I don’t write to entertain or get hits. If people find amusement or enlightenment in what I have to say it’s a bonus. My words are only useful to whoever finds value in it. I can have a conversation in an empty room so I’m quite content talking to myself. I’m just a dude who’s been down that road too and still continues to walk down it. Whatever your situation may be, wherever you may reside, whoever you are if what I said here makes you think twice about what you may consider a helpless situation then I’ve done what I can with my words.

Hell, if you have no one to speak to my ears are always open. I don’t have to know you to relate to what you’re going through.

There’s no manual for life. You’re expected to do on-the-job training with it. There’s no shame in asking for help sometimes.

Stay strong peeps!

Words to live by


All we are is dust in the wind, dude


Two posts in the same month. Watch out now.

Had a pretty rough time this past weekend… mentally. I not only hit the vaunted “Iqaluit Wall” but I was also contending with some issues on a social level with some people I had considered good friends at one point in time. Bad combination to deal with let me tell you. In the midst of my loathing and frustration I realized that I had forsaken a philosophy I developed a long time ago.

WFI

It’s high time I dropped the knowledge about WFI. I’ve spread the word to a select few already (with resounding success) but have never really revealed it to the general public. It’s a radical self-help treatment that is geared towards preservation of one’s own sanity. Whatever, Fuck it. That’s what it stands for. WFI isn’t just a philosophy; it’s a way of life. It turns everything you’ve been taught for years on its head.

I’m the kind of person that enjoys making other people happy. That’s why I’m the consummate jokester. Making people laugh, breaking tension, bringing someone’s mood up makes me feel good inside. No matter how awesome I happen to be, I am still human (supposedly) and prone to those crippling emotions such as doubt, regret, anger or frustration. What happens when the clown is sad? I’ve referred to it being the Pagliacci Syndrome on more than one occasion. It’s hard to be “on” all the time when you’re surrounded by the same challenges everyone else is. You’re given crooked looks when you happen to be in a bad mood. You’re criticized about your attitude when you’re not trying to make someone else’s day better. It’s almost expected that you worry more about someone else than you do yourself.

That’s where WFI comes into play.

WFI is all about being selfish. Yes. I said it. I promote selfishness. I’m not talking about absolute selfishness to the point of being a raging asshole. No, but every person needs a certain semblance of selfishness in their lives otherwise how can you stay happy and make others happy which in turns makes you happier?

Get what I’m saying?

You have to pick and choose your battles with WFI. You can’t just WFI everything because like I said earlier, you’ll be exhibiting high levels of douchiness. WFI does two primary things. Firstly it defines what you consider important and secondly establishes clear boundaries with people with regards to being taken advantage of. Yes. Many people don’t even realize when they’re being taken advantage of. The line between kindness and exploitation is often blurred when dealing with friends and loved ones. Ever notice how sometimes when you do something you feel is out of the “kindness of your heart” later makes you feel agitated? That’s because you just got exploited. It’s a natural response to doing something you really didn’t want to do. Everyone believes in fair shakes, give & take, equality, compromise and all that jazz but how often does it truly happen? It’s not the other person’s fault. In fact it’s rarely an intentional act by them. If you’ve set up a systematic pattern of concessions it’s easy to confuse what is being kind and what is a concession because of your intent to please.

WFI

How many times have you been frustrated about something and harped on it in the back of your mind to the point of madness? Take control of what you can and WFI. If it’s an issue beyond your control save your brain and dictate what affects it. It’s really that simple. You owe it to yourself to at least maintain your own sanity.

Whatever, Fuck it.

You can’t just say WFI; you have to believe in it. You have to truly cast whatever is bugging the hell out of you out of your mind. Don’t let it slither its way back in either. If it doesn’t affect your health, mental or physical, then decide whether it’s really worth racking your brains over and WFI. You’ll be amazed at how insignificant many perceived problems are when you just simplify matters. You can’t be there for your loved ones if you’re damaged goods. Help yourself help others by helping yourself.

Got something irking you?

Whatever, Fuck it… and move on to more important business.

WFI - The Philosophy of Whatever, Fuck It.


Happy 100th Post to Me!


Okay so it’s technically not my 100th blog post. If you count all the posts I’ve made in my Zombie Apocalypse Blog and my shared Nunavut one, I’m probably nearing 150. Today I celebrate my 100th official post on my personal blog. When I first started doing this last year I never would have expected I’d write so much. Of course it’s nowhere near the amount some bloggers post at but it’s a major accomplishment for me. In honor of this monumental post I have recruited my dear buddy Amy over at Fix It or Deal and my lovely wife over at Massively Attacked to assist me on this project.

We’ve all heard some pretty stupid things in our lives. Heck many of us are guilty of saying idiotic things and don’t even realize it. That is why I’m taking it back to my roots once again and presenting you, the faithful, with my diatribe about my top 100 of the most annoying things people tend to say. Don’t feel bad if you see yourself on this list. I know I occupy at least half the spots on this list so take solace in that you’re hanging with good company. 😉

  1. “There are no stupid questions”
    Oh there certainly are. Stop trying to convince the stupid that they’re not really stupid. Let them take responsibility for their actions for a change.
  2. “Can I ask you a question”
    Is that not a question?
  3. “New and improved”
    If something is new how can it be improved? It’s either or.
  4. “I’m only human”
    What the hell else can you be? A banana?
  5. “Same difference”
    Contradictory. Something can’t be the same and yet different.
  6. “I, myself “or “I, personally”
    Oh my GOD… are you that vain that you have to refer to yourself twice at the start of a sentence??
  7. “I thought to myself”
    Unless you’re Professor X I can’t see how anything else is possible.
  8. “Does it hurt?”
    Of course it does! Whether or not I choose to whine about it is another story.
  9. “Did I wake you?”
    Obviously if you’re asking me this question.
  10. “I don’t mean to interrupt”
    You obviously do otherwise you’d shut the hell up and wait.
  11. “Can we talk?”
    Sure we can. Most people can. Do I want to talk to you? No.
  12. “All I know is…”
    That’s a pretty belittling statement about yourself.
  13. “All I have to say is…”
    Is it ever really all you have to say?
  14. “I’m just saying”
    No. You’ve said it a few times by now so there’s no just about it.
  15. “That’s what I’m talking about”
    Funny how this is often said when he person hasn’t even said anything about the subject yet.
  16. “It’s always the last place you look”
    Of course because that’s where you find it. Duh!
  17. “Good things come to those who wait”
    No. Good things come to those who are patient and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. Those who wait are lazy, lethargic, useless wastes of space.
  18. “I could care less”
    This suggests that you’re brimming with care and could scale back a little. Perhaps you should go over your grammar basics and say “I couldn’t care less”. Big difference.
  19. “There’s no time like the present”
    That is so profound. When exactly did you get the DeLorean up and running?
  20. “Truthfully/to be honest with you”
    Were you lying to me before this??
  21. “This will hurt me more than it hurts you”
    Oh this is so false. I’m quite certain that if I shot you and felt bad about doing it your gaping wound would hurt a helluva lot more.
  22. “It’s not you, it’s me”
    Wow. Really? You are so noble to assume the blame for everything. That doesn’t make you an asshole after all.
  23. “Money doesn’t buy happiness”
    Being broke doesn’t either. At least money makes you very very content.
  24. Practice makes perfect”
    There is no such thing as perfection so it’s misleading to think you can achieve it.
  25. “I beg to differ”
    Have you ever really met someone who actually begs to disagree with you? It kind of just happens.
  26. “That was then, this is now”
    Yet another overly profound statement by someone trying to be profound. Way to state the obvious there, buddy.
  27. “Get a life”
    You mean I haven’t been alive all this time? ZOMBIE!
  28. “I can’t wait”
    You have to. There is no other option.
  29. “I would like to…”
    I despise this lead in to statements like “I would like to compliment you” or “I would like to apologize”. This just tells me you really don’t want to. If you want to say sorry, just say sorry. Don’t want to say it.
  30. “Ya or You know? “
    Got to love the insecurity of needing to ask every five minutes whether the person you’re speaking to gets what you’re saying.
  31. “I know right?”
    Nothing says dink quite like this one.
  32. “Literally”
    I hate it when people try to use this as a point of emphasis. “I literally jumped out of my skin”. Really? And you’re still alive?
  33. “Everyone knows…”
    That’s a pretty blatant lie. If everyone knew then why would there be a misunderstanding in the first place?
  34. “They say…”
    Ahh the infamous “they” sources. “They” apparently know a lot of things and “they” are responsible for even more yet no one can ever name them specifically.
  35. “Irregardless”
    It’s not a word. Plain and simple. Get it through your thick skulls. Putting an “ir” in front of something isn’t creative. It just confirms you’re an idiot.
  36. “That goes without saying”
    They why’d you say it?
  37. “Bottom line”
    Funny how there’s always several more points that follow.
  38. “With all due respect”
    Always precedes something insulting or disrespectful. People act like it’s a free pass to say whatever you like afterwards.
  39. “Like”
    Like it totally drives me like crazy when people like use the word like to much.
  40. “Forget it”
    Always used when an argument takes a bad turn but do we ever really forget it?
  41. “We’re pregnant”
    Stupid statement couples use. I’m pretty sure men haven’t started sprouting ovaries and I know the lovely ladies out there will contend that there is no “we” about being pregnant other than the mother and the Tasmanian devil known as a child.
  42. “I’m having a blonde moment”
    While blondes often set the standard idiocy knows no creed, color or race. Just look at Charlie Sheen.
  43. “Carmel”
    It’s CAR–A-MEL you dumbasses! You sound more country than a sugar sandwich when you start making up new pronunciations.
  44. “You’ll change your mind once you have a kid”
    Always used by parents towards those with no children. However why after you have a child why is it that 18 years later you’re thrilled as hell to get rid of them? Kinda hypocritical if you ask me.
  45.  “Brah”
    It’s BRO and if you’re not black or actually a sibling then don’t use it. You just sound lame.
  46. “Ghetto”
    Okay. Seriously. If you don’t come from the ghetto, never been to the ghetto or have ever seen a ghetto don’t deem something as that because it’s below your posh standards.
  47. “Do I look fat?”
    Trick question. If you say yes you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s not true you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s true you’re still fucked because they think you’re lying.
  48. “The shit’s gonna hit the fan”
    That’s just nasty and I have no idea how it got associated with trouble.
  49. “Shit happens”
    Makes one believe a crap can happen at any given moment. Unless this is Jackass I find it highly unlikely
  50.  “It’s a piece of cake”
    How the hell did this ever get associated with something being simple. It doesn’t even make sense!!
  51. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”
    Are you kidding me? The reason why I’d have cake in the first place IS to eat it. Why would I just hold on to cake?
  52.  “Easy as pie”
    Making a pie is NOT easy. Try it. From scratch. See how long it takes you.
  53.  “I saw it with my own eyes”
    As opposed to?
  54. “Put your best foot forward”
    How does one know which foot is the best? I a couple of broken toes on my left one and my right one was dislocated a dozen years ago and never healed properly.
  55. “Cross my heart and hope to die”
    That’s just morbid. Why would want to do that?
  56. “If I were you…”
    You’d know better than to utter those words.
  57. “Better late than never”
    Tell that to pizza delivery people.
  58. “Why are all the good men taken?”
    Always said by the most greedy, bitchy, dimwitted, pretentious good for nothing chicks.
  59. “The tables have turned”
    People don’t even know where this phrase came from and end up using it improperly. It was a term used back in the colonial days. People used to butcher their fresh meat on the same table they would eat on. They would simply flip the top upside down to have their dinner. The phase came to be when they didn’t want someone to come in they’d “turn the table” to the butcher side to show they were busy and didn’t want company.
  60. “Welcome to my world”
    Wow. You must be some kind of extra-dimensional being that has graced our world from the great beyond with you holier-than-thou attitude.
  61. “Walk a mile in my shoes”
    I can’t even walk a kilometer in my own shoes. Why the hell would I want to walk in your shoes? Chances are you’re not even a size 12 so I’m at an even bigger disadvantage.
  62. “The only thing to fear is fear itself”
    Uhm no. If you’re standing face-to-face with a polar or brown bear it is definitely the bear you should be very afraid of.
  63. “Nunuvvit “
    It pains me to hear people, especially Canadians, butcher a name so badly. It’s Noon-a-Voot, dammit! That’s like saying the Yuck-on or Vane-cow-ver or Basstin… oh wait. They actually do call Boston Basstin. ;p
  64. “110%”
    Okay seriously. Let’s just stop trying to make your effort more than it mathematically can be. You’re not impressing or convincing anyone.
  65.  “It’s all good”
    I’m utterly guilty of this one. It always manages to come out when a situation is clearly not that good.
  66.  “Upmost”
    It’s utmost, you ignorant asses. They’re doing remarkable things in GED programs nowadays. You should check them out.
  67. “Dialogue”
    Sheer mutilation of grammar when you hear folks say “We need to have a dialogue” or “Let’s dialogue”.


    (Contributed by She.Is.Just.A.Rat)

  68. “Nucular”
    It’s “nuclear” folks…NEW-clear not nuke-u-lar…
  69. “Some of my best friends are gay/black/Hispanic/etc.”
    If you must insist this, you’re probably racist/homophobic/etc.
  70. “I didn’t do nothing”
    Well then, you must have done something PLUS you’re totally guilty of bad grammar.
  71. “totes”
    As in I’m totally going to do something…come to think of it, totally isn’t too spectacular of a word either.
  72. “Y’all”
    ESPECIALLY if you’re in the south
  73. Galaxifying everything – as in Twitterverse, blogosphere, etc
  74. “Shouldn’t of”
    It’s shouldn’t have, Einstein
  75. “It’s not rocket science”
    Yeah, well, it still might be above my head, FFS
  76. “Trust me”
    This usually means the opposite of what you should be doing when someone says this
  77. “Everything happens for a reason”
    No, I’m pretty sure there’s some random chaotic shit that occurs for absolutely no reason.  This however, does not preclude ‘cause and effect’.
  78. “Takes one to know one”
    This is the slightly more adult version of “I know you are, but what am I?”
  79. “Epic”
    That is all.
  80. “BFF”
    …can go and die in a hole right now.
  81. “Exact same”
    Redundancy at its finest
  82. “There are no losers today”
    Unless it’s a tie, someone’s performance was NOT as good as that of someone else.  So there is definitely a loser.
  83. “I could be wrong”
    Yes, you could.  And you probably are.
  84. “You can do anything you put your mind to”
    Lies!  I’ve been willing myself to fly for years now…and I still can’t do that.  There are some things you’ll never do.
  85. “Awhile”
    It’s “a while”. Stop making up new words because you’re lazy.
  86. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another”
    Wow.  Did you figure that out through process of elimination?
  87. “Dirt poor or filthy rich”
    Well what is it?  Because I need to know the proper level of grubby that I need to be here…
  88. “Conversate”
    I know you want to use this word when you mean “converse”, but it doesn’t make you sound any more intelligent than you are.  In fact, it usually has the opposite effect.
  89. “You can’t do that!”
    Oh yes I can…watch me!  Just because I’m not allowed to, doesn’t mean I can’t do it.
  90. ANYTHING the news says to get you to watch e.g. “You won’t believe what’s threatening your life at the grocery store now…coming up at 5!”


    (Contributed by Amy)

  91. “What can I do ya for?”
    Was this ever clever? Can we strike this from our collective lexicon?
  92. “My husband would never let me do that.”
    Are you kidding me? You’re not an indentured servant, don’t act like one.
  93. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
    Actually, sometimes when bad things happen they eat at you and tear you down and make you weak. Just because I survived doesn’t mean I’m stronger for it. It just means that I didn’t roll over and die. Please stop saying this to people.
  94. “Someone’s cranky this morning.”
    Saying this to me is a good way to get punched in the throat.
  95. “Hey, girl.”
    This, by itself, isn’t annoying, but try hearing it from a 50+ year old, gold-chain-wearing sleeze-ball on a daily basis and you’ll develop a chronic dislike of these two words. Trust me on this.
  96. “Computers don’t like me.”
    They aren’t dogs. They can’t smell fear. Learn how to use a mother-frackin’ computer!
  97. “Can you help me un-jam the copier?”
    Translation: Can you un-jam the copier while I stand behind you and huff impatiently?
  98. “Just kidding.” or “I’m only joking.”
    Really? I thought you were deadly serious when you said you were going to lock your mother-in-law in the basement like the troll you suspect she is. How awkward. I’ve already called the cops. (Hint: If we’re laughing with you, we know you’re joking. You don’t have to clarify.)
  99. “Oh, I’m wacky. You never know what I’ll do next.”
    Unlike #98, if you feel the need to tell people you are wild/crazy/wacky, then you’re probably the exact opposite.
  100.  “How many kids do you have?”
    It’s amazing how many people assume that because I am married and of child-bearing age I must have children so they just skip the standard “Do you have kids?” question and jump right to asking how many. Fair warning: If you ask me this question be prepared for my stock answer of “After I sold the first three on the black market, I stopped keeping count.”

As always if you’ve found something I’ve said offensive, derogatory or demeaning then by all mean send your complaints to:

getasenseofhumor@pissoff.com

Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow!


I live for this s***!


So suddenly it’s all cool to like the apocalypse now, huh? It’s all hip and trendy. It’s the bee’s knees. It made its way around the globe and became a social media wildfire topic for the past 2 weeks.

Gimme a break.

I’ve been talking about this shit since I started blogging and now just because some deranged old cleric, who should have drunk the Kool Aid, decides he wants some attention he becomes a world-wide phenomenon (even though he was catastrophically wrong)? Sure, I had fun with it as well. I even joined in the Post Rapture Looting event on Facebook for a laugh but after the dust settles all of the bandwagon jumpers will go back to the things most important to them – porn, iPads and Jersey Shore. Thankfully this isn’t a trend that’ll last (or at least I won’t have to hear about again until next year) and I can go back to my (ab)normal love for the subject matter.

To the 5000 who have graced the hallowed halls of this twisted blog (and continue to do so) you’re okay in my book. When Ragnarök does go down rest assured I’ll make sure you all live well in my kingdom.

As for the rest of the world, thanks for once again sensationalizing something that really didn’t need to be sensationalized. Thank you for making me not want to write about my favorite topic until it becomes unpopular again. I have a long memory. You won’t be the lucky ones in the wastelands. Forget raiders and highwaymen – you’d better worry about my legion of followers.  To you douches who ruined a fun topic I have but one message for you:

All you motherf***ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We’re gonna f*** your mothers while you watch and cry like little b****es. Once we find the old f*** that made the prophecy, we’re gonna make him eat our s***, then s*** out our s***, then eat  his s*** which is made up of our s*** that we made him eat. Then you’re all you motherf***s are next.

If anyone (aside from my wife) can figure out where I borrowed most of that closing rant from I’ll make you a General in my dystopian kingdom. ;p

Peace out and enjoy the rest of your long Rapture-free weekend folks!