Been watching a lot of Criminal Minds as of late. I know. Huge shock there. Ian watching a show about serial killers is SO out of the ordinary. AJ Cook is hot. I don’t even like blondes that much but man I’d eat my own arm for a chance to sniff her belly button. She can get it, keep it and do whatever she wants with it. Ok… TMI. My apologies. Anyway for those who have never seen the show it’s about a FBI task force named the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit). Their job is to capture serial killers, serial rapists, pedophiles, mass murderers, arsonists, etc in an attempt to profile their behavior for use against other sickos. It’s nowhere near as hokey as the CSI family of cop dramas though. It often tells tales of some pretty grizzly acts of human depravity not much different than what you find in the news any given day.
How does this tie into our cats?
Last week I had a case that needed solving. I had come in from running some errands to find multiple crime scenes. There was a poop in the bedroom, a pee in the bathroom and a gross heinous explosive puke in the bedroom closet. Immediately I cordoned off the areas to prevent the crime scene from being contaminated. I’ve logged plenty of years as a CD (Cat Detective) so I knew my keen detection skills would be needed on this one. An initial survey of the scene provided immediate results. I ascertained that it was not a tandem act but in fact a single criminal I was hunting. The two Cats of Interest have long and extensive criminal histories dating back to their earlier childhood. The fact that they’re brother and sister lead many to believe that they orchestrate crimes together but in fact they are competitive. Very rarely do they ever work together yet they both admire one another’s work. To my shock and dismay I ended up seeing an episode of Criminal Minds that called “The Last Word” where two serial killers were essentially competing against one another. This led me to believe I was dealing with a creature far more complex than I anticipated.
Both siblings withstood grueling minutes of interrogation without cracking. I didn’t have enough evidence to pin it on either one specifically and feared I would not be able to solve the case before Suzanne’s return from Ottawa. After the clean up crews came in and cleaned up all the evidence I sat in my office trying to figure out who did it. Precious hours were ticking away. Everyone knows a case becomes incredibly harder to solve after the first 48 hours so I was hard pressed to find something to pin on one of them.
24 hours gave way to 48. Suzanne had returned home and I still couldn’t figure which one of the culprits committed the triple caticide. The last thing I needed was a serial shitter with a puking fetish in the office. Desperate, I tried to free my thoughts up by watching Criminal Minds yet again. I can’t recall the specific episode but as I sat there with the crime scene photos scattered across my desk, sipping my coffee, Agent Hotchner outlined a profile to the group of detectives and beat cops he was addressing. He said the perpetrator was narcissistic, had medium to low level education and obsessed with the act he had committed. The thing that stood out the most is when he said that the killer wants control over the situation and will often insert himself into the investigation. He’ll be at the crime scene, posing as a bystander, observing what the cops are doing. Sometimes he may even call in crimestopper tips to the cops leading them to the crime scene.
It was at that moment it all came back to me. I recalled when I first happened upon the first crime scene in the bedroom. As I surveyed the carnage I remember looking back towards the doorway. There he stood. Partially obscured by the doorframe but staring at me with his piercing orange eyes. My coffee slipped from my hands and shattered on the ground like US Customs Agent Dave Kujan’s did as I realized who had done it.
I raced into the bedroom once again and opened the door to the closet. There he stood; going over the crime scene I had cleaned up only a couple days earlier. He looked up at me with those cold orange eyes and smiled.
If you have been never read The Oatmeal’s “How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You” you’ll get a kick out of it. It gives some amazing and amusing insight into the mindset of cats. Cat owners deal with a variety of quirks with regards to their furry little companions. It’s never a dull day.
A cool breeze slips in through the partially opened balcony door. The sun is on the rise casting a baby blue blanket over the slushy capital city. Ravens the size of small cattle dance throughout the sky bellowing mating calls while the ever-present hum of airplane engines echo in the distance. It is 2am in the land of the Midnight Sun and all are asleep.
Everyone except the Dynamic Duo…
“Why do you do that?” Brit asks Jemaine as she lounges lazily high atop the cat tower.
“I’m looking for her.” he replies trying to blog on the computer that is off.
“Sophie?” frustration creeps into her voice, “How many time do we have to go over this? She’s not here! She hasn’t been here for like months!”
He saunters his way over to the couch, “I know and I’m quite certain she was taken by The Bear. I’m still holding out hope for her. That’s why I call out in the middle of the night. Just in case she’s there. That and… I’m also hungry.”
“Oh my GOD! You’re still going on about the Bear?? It’s a coat for fuck’s sake! A coat! Anyone in their right mind can see it’s a coat!” she scoffs as she sits upright now and glares down at him
” No. No. It’s not. I’m certain it’s a bear. Do you hear the rustling sound it makes when it comes out? I have it on good authority that bears rustle just like that.”
“You’re an idiot. Bears don’t rustle. How do you even come up with this stuff??”
He charges up to the 2nd rung of the cat tower and starts tearing away furiously at the scratching post beneath her, “No you are the one who sucks, Brit! I’m right about many things. I was right about the vet wasn’t I?”
“What the hell are you talking about? You were caught off guard even more than I was!” she lashes at him before punching him on the top of his head.
“No no. Not that time. They fooled us that time. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice then…uh.. well it just isn’t good. I’m talking about the second time they took us.” swiping back at her but missing badly.
She sits patiently and watches as he punches blindly at her, “Are you daft? We’ve never been back there.”
“Yes we have. Don’t you remember when they took us to that one place where we waited for a couple of hours. Then we got in our apartments and took that really long drive. Then it was white and cold outside but then they brought us to that waiting room for a like a week or two. Remember how I said that it we just kept shitting they would know we were okay and they wouldn’t take us to the doctor – and they didn’t!” he boasts confidentially as he sits back and looks up at her.
“You are truly short bus aren’t you? That wasn’t a car ride you doof! We were in something far more terrifying than a car. I dunno what it was but it sure as hell wasn’t an automobile.”
She pauses for a moment then stares at him with wide unsuspecting eyes, “Oh my God. You think we’re still waiting to go to see the vet don’t you? You think we’re going back to the place with the stairs at some point? Dude… we moved. Don’t you realize that? I don’t know where we are but this really bright, white and cold place is home now. “
“You lie! I have been saving us all this time by crapping 20 times a day! That keeps the Bear away and the Bear can’t take us away like it did Sophie! I’m positive it is working for the vet!”
“I am not! I will eat you now, Brit! Prepare to be eaten and then shat out for the greater good!
He launches himself up at her. Unfortunately his rather bulbous gut prevents him from scaling his way to the top-tier. Seizing the opportunity she leaps from her perch and onto the couch. Realizing he’s been outmaneuvered by his smaller and nimbler sister he regroups and springs towards her. His moves are slow and predictable. She dashes off the cushion and around the other couch before he even lands. Enraged he launches himself in her general direction. The laws of physics grab hold of him as his weight times the speed he’s moving send him crashing into the empty food bowls. The commotion startles Ian and Suzanne out of an already shaky night’s sleep. Before either of their visions can focus, Brit vanishes under the bed like a ninja into the darkness leaving Jemaine behind as he charges his way into the bedroom.
He now realizes he’s awakened father and mother and pauses. He wants to run under the bed but that’s not a good idea right now. Brit snickers at him from the shadows as Ian rises from the bed in a fit of rage. Panic-stricken he bolts from the doorway and back into the living room with father in hot pursuit. He tries to lose him in the maze of chair legs beneath the kitchen table. Unfortunately for him Ian has armed himself with the water bottle and he has now boxed himself in. Water pellets riddle his body as he cowers in fear.
The assault subsides and the father retreats back into the bedroom leaving a Jemaine wet and shamed…
“I will get my revenge, Britanny. Oh yes… I will get my revenge…”
A Secret Lives of Cats Exclusive
Monday March 22, 2011 3:28 a.m. EST
By: The Frosty Bear
(DTN) – It was reported to DTN today that the infamous Resolute parka known as “The Bear” ceased to terrify long-time winter jacket-hater Jemaine Etheridge. Jemaine, a one and a half year old orange and white short-haired cat originally from Niagara Falls, has been in staunch opposition against what he billed as being “noisy and intimidating” outerwear since around October of 2010. The reasons behind his discord have never been fully disclosed but that hasn’t halted his protests over the past few months. He has staged under the bed one-cat rallies and anti-hunger strikes over the past half a year in an effort to make sure the world knew his displeasure with the disputed coats.
We spoke with Ian Etheridge, his step father, who explained to us the events that unfolded, “I had just come in from the post office with several packages in hand. Jemaine has never liked my coat so when I came in I wasn’t expecting him to be there. I figured he was off demonstrating somewhere but then I caught sight of him by the couch. He walked up cautiously, long necking the entire time but came right up to me and let me pet him with my parka on. He was of course still a little skittish but he didn’t bugger off under the bed in protest.”
This landmark breakthrough marks the end of a stalemate between Jemaine and the executives over at Canada Goose.
We caught up with Jemaine yesterday to ask for his insights into his amazing change of heart.
Jemaine: I dunno really. I had just laid down in the living room after trying to eat my sister. My blood was pumping a bit but that was when father came in. He called to me and I swore he said he something to eat so I went over to him to see if he had something to eat but he didn’t have anything to eat. He only wanted to pet my head and not give me something to eat but by that time I didn’t realize how close I was to it.
DTN: Were you scared when you noticed you were near “The Bear”?
Jemaine: Well more leery than anything. Like I’m quite certain it ate Sophie at some point. I haven’t seen her since it came into our house. I try calling out to her every morning at 6am but I think it digested her. That won’t stop me from trying to contact her though. I just fear for father’s sake. I’m not ascared of it. Really.
DTN: How do you explain the accusations about cowering in fear under the bed?
Jemaine: Mmmmm. Bed.
Unfortunately Jemaine was unable to finish the interview. We attempted to contact Brit for a statement on the matter but she declined with no comment.
We at Dystopian Times North can only hope that Jemaine follows through with his treatment and doesn’t slip back into bad habits.
Having been a fan of movies for many years I must say I have been enlightened by all of the practical knowledge I’ve gained from them so I figured I’d share some of my conclusions with you. Feel free to chime in with your observations as well.
- …always want to take over Earth because they’ve either exhausted their resources on their home world or have an illogical, deep seeded hatred for humankind despite never having been in contact with them.
- …always know English but not any other human language.
- …are highly intelligent but can always be thwarted by humans somehow.
- …can develop interstellar travel but can’t come up with a quick-kill solution for taking out humans.
- …are always humanoid to an extent if they’re intelligent. You’ll never see an amorphous blob demanding the surrender of Earth.
- …always approach the US government or attack US soil first (New York in particular).
- …always build perversely large ships that like to just hover above large cities or in orbit.
- …despite not being able to comprehend emotions can have a miraculous change of heart and want to help humans in the end.
- Their technology can always be deciphered by our top scientists.
- (from Amy) Dogs are always super smart and hop in the car with just a whistle.
- Fighting and Injuries
- Blows to the head do not cause concussions or brain trauma
- You can be shot or stabbed and not suffer from shock
- You can fight bare-fisted for minutes on end without breaking any bones in your hands or gassing out completely.
- You can get shot in the shoulder and still be able to use your arm effectively enough to either hang off an edge or pull someone up who is hanging off an edge.
- None of these rules apply if you are a henchman for the bad guy – then you can be taken out with one stab wound, a punch or kick that could have easily been brushed off, be choked out or have a single bullet to anywhere in your body kill you.
- Government and Institutions
- The US government (or any government) is always bad, has unlimited resources no matter how much debt they’re in and has secret agencies that they fund.
- All other governments always need help in some form from the US.
- Government agents always wear black suits and ties and have earpieces so they can blend in with the rest of society.
- There’s always corruption in the police department, even if it’s just a sheriff and deputy operation.
- It’s mandatory that a prison has a brutal guard and an evil scheming warden, as well as one kind hearted prisoner who regrets helping out a hero later in the movie.
- All corporations are inherently evil, above the law, have access to cutting edge technology, private armies and can manipulate multiple governments but seem to have trouble stopping a single individual.
- It’s easy to assemble world leaders and top scientists in one place in less than 24 hours when the world is in danger.
- In times of global crisis the world always turns to the US because they’re so super awesome and have the coolest technology.
- …are never brought up on charges despite committing heinous crimes like murder, arson, kidnapping and destruction of public property.
- …have marksman-like accuracy even if they have no training with firearms.
- …have incredible range with whatever firearm they have being able to take out villains with a handgun form over 75 yards away.
- …never have weapons that misfire or jam no matter the condition they’re in.
- …have a remarkable amount of spare ammunition despite not carrying as much.
- …can overcome whatever physical or psychological issue that has troubled him or her for years before the end of the movie.
- …can go without eating or sleeping for at least 72 hours and have no ill effects on their physical or mental faculties.
- …can travel via any means necessary without issue (e.g. they can run cross country without resting at intervals, drive any vehicle (boat, plane, car, etc.), obtain tickets without reservations, and cross borders effortlessly.
- …can take a vicious beating and show no pain yet will wince if a chick puts a rag to his wounds.
- …can utilize casual clothing as body armor effectively.
- … gain incredible resiliency when they remove their shirt and go bare-chested.
- …always have glistening white teeth, despite being in an environment or situation which should cause them to have dirty, missing and/or bloody teeth.
- If a sidekick mentions his family in the first ten minutes of the film he will surely die before the end of the movie in spectacular fashion prompting the hero to avenge his death.
- If the movie is set in ancient times, everyone has a British accent no matter the region.
- Everyone in the world apparently knows English; be it writing, understanding or speaking it.
- (from Omawarisan) If there is a dragon in a movie everyone is british
- (from She.Is.Just.A.Rat) Bomb diffusers and those trying to disable above mentioned self destruct mechanisms are only successful in the last 5% of the time available during the countdown. It is apparently one of the first lessons given to these technicians to NOT be quick with their work. Dragging it out the last possible second adds so much more drama.
- (from Wendy) Even if they’re rebellious/messed up, teenagers always come around by the end of the movie to the parent’s/authority figure’s point of view.
- Science (?)
- Wooden tables and desks can stop large caliber bullets.
- Shooting a gas tank will make it explode.
- You can stay within a burning building for a long period of time and not even suffer 1st degree burns, just slight coughing and soot marks.
- You can run full speed for many blocks without completely exhausting yourself.
- Exposing yourself to radioactive material won’t make you sick and in fact give you special powers.
- Viral epidemics can only be contained by firebombing the affected area.
- No-one ever needs a towel or to wash up after sex.
- You can pull up the sheets, lay back, and go to sleep after sex just like in real life.
- All women moan but don’t sweat during sex.
- You can always reach an incredibly intense, mutual, and simultaneous orgasm on the first try.
- Racial Stereotypes
- Native Americans can sense things via some sign in nature
- Asians are all born with innate martial arts skills
- Black guys (and girls) always die before the end of the movie
- The black guy always knows how to use a gun or has one in his possession and has keen street knowledge despite his station in life.
- Caucasians always have connections to higher-ups and big wigs.
- High-tech government agencies (and villain hideouts) own computers that have multi-linked monitors with virtual reality, touch screen, three-dimensional, active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities on custom stylishly funky operating systems.
- You can crack any password on any system with only two or three tries no matter your level of computer science knowledge.
- All computers are networked even when turned off.
- Operating systems are always fast and you never have to save or wait for shut downs.
- All wireless communications work at 5 Gigabyte per second speed.
- Sitting in front of a computer screen will produce a glow in the shapes and text that is on the monitor.
- Computer screen resolutions are always high enough for the movie audience to see exactly what’s on screen.
- Satellites can zoom to person-sized magnification with real time video no matter its position.
- (from Omawarisan) When the lights go out you hear that sort of turbine winding down sound.
- (from She.Is.Just.A.Rat) Large ships and complexes invariably have a self destruct mechanism with an abnormally long countdown that always ends up breezing by. No one ever does anything of importance until the last minute anyway.
- Cars always explode when shot with bullets or dropped off a cliff.
- Cars and planes can explode with empty gas tanks.
- Commercial flights, no matter how small the plane is, are always roomy and spacious like real life.
- Planes and helicopters are easy to learn how to fly.
- Hiding behind a car door can protect you from gunfire despite most high caliber bullets being able to crack an engine block.
- Airplane tires always screech when they touch down.
- You can get into a violent car accident and walk away with merely a bump on your head if you wear your seatbelt.
- Cars can screech on dirt
- …will always explain themselves before trying to kill the hero.
- …usually have a traumatic childhood event that made them the way they are.
- …have a British accent no matter their descent.
- …have incredible vigor allowing them to sustain a deathblow and yet get renewed life for one more attempt at killing the hero
- …always employ stupid henchmen with the smartest of the them being the right hand man.
- …get paid yet they tend to dress well and carry very expensive weapons.
- …have no firearms training (even army soldiers) and therefore always miss
- …have armor that is ineffective.
- …throw their guns away when they run out of ammunition instead of reloading.
- …always lure the hero to an elaborately setup, overly exaggerated location for a final showdown that has the potential to either collapse or blow up easily.
- …never get to have the last word.
- No matter if the hero is unaware and being targeted for the duration a villain will always miss the first shot.
- Whenever bad guys outnumber a lone hero they will always fight one at a time instead of gang beating him or her.
- Henchmen have no social lives. They only hang out with other henchmen at the hideout.
- …always needs to be pulled in by the man when being chased – even if she’s more physically fit than him.
- …can deliver a baby in mere minutes (not hours) in hostile environments and suffer no ill effects from child birth AND in some cases be ready to run immediately afterward.
- …are rarely depicted as alcoholics only drug addicts and whores (or both).
- …never help the hero in a one-on-one fight. If she does she waits for an opportune moment instead of just jumping right in.
- …wake up in the morning with their hair and makeup in place.
- …can go through traumatic and devastating worldly events and have stylishly disheveled hair throughout.
- …almost certainly scream and/or panic at the wrong moments. Men never do. (‘cept for Will Farrell)
- If she’s a strong character she has to have an attitude or be bitchy because she’s had to deal with being tough in a man’s world.
- (from Hippie Cahier) …usually happen to be wearing clingy white tee-shirts when there is impending water catastrophe.