Posts tagged “depression

I don’t think that there’s anything worse than being ordinary

I think the term mental illness has a huge stigma attached to it. A lot of people suffer in silence for fear of being labeled, criticized or treated differently. Back in the good ole’ days people with issues were covered under the blanket category of crazy. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve been called crazy and/or weird I could live comfortably in Iqaluit for the rest of my life. When I was young, crazy was a term I didn’t concern myself too much with. I knew I wasn’t short bus & helmet crazy, but I was certainly different from my chums. Nothing I did or said was typical. I savored being different. It made me feel unique in the sense that no one else acted as I did. Heck, crazy is what got me through high school relatively unscathed. Even bullies wanted no piece of “the crazy guy”. It’s amazing the aura of protection you get when no one wants to be the one to set you off. I have friends to this day that remember me not for being a super awesome fantabulous buddy but a certified nutcase. Mind you, although I’d never done anything outrageously insane all it took was some embellishment by my peers to turn molehills into mountains. Clinical terms such as Attention Deficit Disorder, Autism, Depression, etc started to become more popular as I grew old and were frequently used to label individuals who were different. While I’ve never been diagnosed with having any condition I know there’s stuff going on inside my dome that isn’t considered normal by a lot of people’s standards.

That’s the part that irks me the most. The whole effort to be “normal”.

What is normal?

There’s so much energy invested in trying to achieve this idealistic vision of normalcy put before us that it’s easy to see how when someone is mentally ill they can succumb to their inner demons. People tend to treat those with mental illness as though they’re lepers, meeting them with looks of pity or disdain. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone in the world today that doesn’t have some sort of issue. It’s the shame implied and reinforced by those who don’t understand it that makes dealing with it so hard. Very few out there are cognizant enough to know how to deal with the situation when confronted with it. Those who are sick don’t need pity. They need help. An illness, be it physical or mental, is still an illness. Some are more serious than others. Some can be remedied completely while others can only be treated partially. It sickens me that people keep problems buried in the dark corners of their minds because they fear being looked at differently. They fear showing weakness. I get it. It’s human nature to always want to appear strong or infallible. A defensive mechanism of sorts. One shouldn’t feel weak by sharing their problems. The amount of effort put into hiding it is what causes the true weakness. It’s hard to keep that “normal face” up if you’re constantly in flux with yourself internally.

Writing is a great outlet. I write on two blogs but this particular one is as close to therapy as I can get. Sometimes just saying what’s on your mind is incredibly cleansing, especially when you don’t have the weight of disgrace hovering over you. I have very little shame. I shed the brunt of that a long time ago. I find it easy to talk about matters that years ago I would have just avoided. Maybe its age that changed things. Maybe it’s repetition. It’s often said that insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. All I know is that burying my problems only served to bolster them.

Of the half dozen disorders I believe I may have, the one I’m certain of is depression. It’s been the Lex Luthor of my life for quite a long time now. It’s arguable to many that anger management issues might be my ultimate nemesis but I counter that with the fact that I have never raised a fist or my voice to anyone in anger in 20 years. They think heated emails or grumbles of frustration constitute me being an angry person. Trust me when I say this, if I had anger management issues I would either be dead or in jail; not writing for blogs and sharing my experiences. Yes. Depression is the true beast. I have no shame in saying topics like suicide are a daily occurrence in my head. Everyone automatically thinks that because I’m the funnyman it’s always cartoons and pop culture in my world. Quite the contrary. There are mornings when I open my eyes and wish I hadn’t. Times where I cycle through the many ways one could take their own life. Pills, gun, blade, hanging… you name it I’ve probably thought about it. Depression is a very real thing. I’m not talking feeling blue or having a bad day. I’m talking real depression. Having a bad month, year or even decade.

Some would question what would put me in such a state of mind considering I have a loving wife, two great parents and a bevy of friends I’d shed blood for. It’s twisted but sometimes it’s almost impossible to recognize those that have unwavering love for you. The brain is wired awkwardly like that. Problems seem insurmountable and you easily lose sight of all the bright lights in your life. My family and friends are what keep me trudging along. That and the ability to speak about it freely about anything. My life is no more or less difficult than the next person but we each deal with the hand we’ve been dealt differently. I don’t look for sympathy for having the thoughts I have sometimes. I embrace it, acknowledge it and look for help when I can. If I kept it bottled in me then it would be all consuming. I can see why so many get engulfed by their own feelings.

Having lived in the north for a couple of years now the subject of suicide has been in my face more than ever. So many young people up here take their lives because they feel worthless, neglected or just flat out helpless. They’re embarrassed or ashamed to share what’s on their minds and it’s truly heartbreaking. I’ve not only been in that boat but I captain it every day. Depression is scary. It takes you to places you never thought you could go. If you’ve never been through it before it can seem like a no-win situation. That’s what often leads to the actual act of suicide. Just because you’re experiencing depression doesn’t mean you have no options. Write what’s on your mind. Keep a journal. Share it with others or just use it as a release for your thoughts. Talk with someone. Anyone. Doesn’t necessarily have to be someone you know. People are often so wrapped up in what others think about them that speaking to family or friends ends up being the hardest thing to do. Talking to a stranger is easier than a lot of people think. If you can’t do it face-to-face then text somebody or chat with them online. The point is get what’s clawing at the back of your mind out in the open so that you can confront it. Smash that boulder of insecurity resting on your back and know that there are others – many others – out there who struggle with this every day. As sappy as it sounds, feeling like you’re alone is incredibly crippling. Depression is a festering lesion that will spread if not treated.

I don’t know who reads this blog. Well… I know some but the multitude I have no clue about. They come from all over the world to my amazement. Some are just killing time. Some stumble upon it. Many never come back. I’m not a trained medical professional or a psychologist. I don’t write to entertain or get hits. If people find amusement or enlightenment in what I have to say it’s a bonus. My words are only useful to whoever finds value in it. I can have a conversation in an empty room so I’m quite content talking to myself. I’m just a dude who’s been down that road too and still continues to walk down it. Whatever your situation may be, wherever you may reside, whoever you are if what I said here makes you think twice about what you may consider a helpless situation then I’ve done what I can with my words.

Hell, if you have no one to speak to my ears are always open. I don’t have to know you to relate to what you’re going through.

There’s no manual for life. You’re expected to do on-the-job training with it. There’s no shame in asking for help sometimes.

Stay strong peeps!

Words to live by


I just don’t know what I’m supposed to be

It seems as though I’ve let a bit of dust accumulate on this blog. After a rather busy month of blogging I suddenly vanished.


Like a ninja.

I’d love to blame it all on an incredibly busy social life. That’s not entirely true though. I admit the past few months have been a whirlwind of activity for me on the social front. I dare say its even been a bit overwhelming. I’m not a social slut but I find it really hard not to like people around here. Add alcohol to the equation and viola… I know more people up here than I ever did down south.

One would think that winning free tickets down south, locking down a permanent place to stay and having a budding social life would be enough to make me write for days and yet I find myself in a strange place mentally. All signs say I should be happy. For the first time in a long time things are looking up for us as opposed to us kissing the crusty ass cheeks of life but for the past few weeks my mind has been AWOL. I’ve felt like the little dude who runs my brain left it on autopilot. I can’t say I’m necessarily depressed or anything that emo. I’m just not happy. I’m not sad either. I just am and that’s what’s got me perplexed. Most days I feel like I’m seeing my life through a TV screen. I feel like I’m watching things happen as opposed to experiencing them completely. I’ve been involved in some pretty incredible things up here, met wonderful people and seen sights that I could have never dreamed of but still I feel disconnected from what’s happening around me.

I’m existing. Waiting almost.

I sometimes think it’s my mind’s way of putting me on guard for something it expects to happen because things are panning out well. I’m a pessimist. There’s no denying that. My life’s track record isn’t one where good things happen in succession. Whenever something good works out several bad things usually come in its wake. I’m antsy and on edge for some unknown reason and in turn it irks the hell out of me.

Some say it’s the wall everyone encounters when the first come up here. When exactly you hit it differs from person to person. Why it’s taken me so long to crash head first into this imaginative wall is beyond me but I suspect that’s what I’m contending with right now. I equate it to that mindless moment when you’ve been up for so long that you’re not even tired anymore. Your mind can’t focus on anything but won’t shut up for two seconds so you can sleep. Your body aches for rest but you toss and turn when you lay down. You end up checking out and go straight into zombie mode. No emotions. No concerns. Nom. Nom. Nom. You’re just there until your body says “no mas” and shuts you down. Oh how I wish sleep was an answer for this but it’s not. I’ve slept. I’ve somewhat adapted to the endless days. Rest is not an issue.

My mental constipation is.

So I took this post back to my roots. No pictures. No snarkiness. No comedy. Just a movie quote that relates to what’s on my mind. Who knows when I’ll get back on track. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe the next day. Maybe never.

Only time will tell.

I don’t think he’s overly psychotic, but, I still think he’s quite sick.

I hate days like this.

It’s a blah monochrome day outside. The breeze coming in the window is quite chilly and once again I’m waiting for work to come in. It sucks being at the mercy of your clientele but welcome to the world of freelancing. It’s an inglorious, often misunderstood and unforgiving realm where self-respect is non-existent and you always have to “put on a good smile” even when you feel like stomping a mud hole in someone. It’s what’s commonly referred to as “the mask”.

We all put on our masks every day life. Don’t fool yourself and believe you don’t. Works masks, friend masks, parent masks, sibling masks, spousal masks, dude masks, whore masks, public masks, private masks… there’s a never ending supply of them and we don them as we see fit according to the social interaction we have to engage in. They can be as close to your true self as you can get or they can be as diverse a bag of jelly beans. We wears masks so often that sometimes we forget who we truly are inside. I know that’s the case with me sometimes. I’m often known as the funny or pleasant guy. Always respectful and constantly in pursuit of putting a smile on someone’s face. It does actually make me somewhat happy to make others happy – as cheesy as it may sound – but there comes times when not even that can bring up my spirits. It’s the classic tragic clown syndrome. Who makes the clown laugh?

Many times I feel like I’m losing my mind. I put on the happy-go-lucky face so often that when I don’t feel like being chipper – or cracking a joke or lightening the mood it feels wrong. Am I wrong for not wanting to be happy all the time? No person can be happy 24/7 (unless they have some really good drugs that they’re not sharing) but whenever I drift off into one of these despondent moods I’m immediately criticized or questioned as to why I’m “acting” them way I’m behaving. Can I not be uninspired and unimaginative for a little bit? It’s as though I’m expected to forever be the cheery informative creative guy despite having to go through all the same crap everyone else has to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe it’s not an act? Maybe I’m really just a pernicious person deep down inside and whenever I grow weary of trying to appease people all the time the real me begins to surface.

Who knows.

I just felt like squeezing out a rant (yet again) because people need to realize that nice people aren’t nice just because they’re born nice. It isn’t a mystical power we summon from an ancient amulet or a prescription pill we can pop when needed. It can’t be turned on and off like a light switch and it certainly isn’t an endless energy source. We get pissed just like you. We get angry, depressed, resentful, remorseful and vengeful just like anyone else – just more so because we handle our emotions the old school way. We bottle them up until they manifest into a health condition. ;p

Now I gotta go and find my beanie and my cardboard sign so I can whore around for some work while I’m waiting on my other clients. Cheers!