Posts tagged “facebook

Speak No Evil


After a long deliberation period that has taken the better part of this decade I have decided that I’m going to phase out speaking to people.

Why take such a dramatic course of action one might ask?

Well it’s not a decision that I prefer, just to set the record straight. 9 times out of 10 I’ll express something perfectly clear only to have it met with a “huh” or “pardon”. At first I thought it was just individuals questioning my responses but over time I’ve found that people just seem to have a problem just understanding me period.

It’s as though I speak with a mouthful of rocks or something. It’s very gut-wrenching when you reply to something and get that lovely smile and the “I have no fucking idea what you just said but I’ll nod in agreement anyway” look. I don’t mumble and I’m quite certain my speech isn’t impaired (at least when I’m not drunk) therefore I find myself grasping at what it could be.

There are many factors that could be the cause. I have a New York accent that even after a decade away from the Big Apple I have yet to shake. Not that I want to mind you. I’m actually quite proud of my vernacular. It’s distinct enough to be easily detected yet I can actually say talk and coffee.

I also stutter occasionally, stammer more than I’d like and often get caught up searching for the right word. I’m frighteningly sarcastic but the wiring between my brain and mouth must have been done by a blind chimp because I struggle to convey even the most basic things sometimes. I don’t sound like a clod all the time though. Heck some people have actually deemed my particular brand of oratorical dumb-fuckery as being “very cool” or “really mellow”.

For me however, I’ve just grown very weary of everyone not understanding what I have to say. My mouth apparently can’t keep up with my brain therefore I am abandoning speech and sticking solely to writing from now on.Writing makes me appear smarter and wittier than spoken words could ever accomplish. Besides it’s easier to appear intelligent when you don’t have to open your mouth. I can edit what I have to say, Google things I’m not 100% sure about and correct my flubs with the wonderful power of a spell check.

I can be the intellectual I want everyone to think I am.

I’ll eventually slap a text-to-speech app on my computer so that those who still wish to talk to me can have a true Stephen Hawking-like experience. Now if you think this concept is a little off the wall, wacky or just plain weird think about it next time you’re Tweeting or chit chatting with someone on Facebook. How well do you really know a person if you haven’t physically spoken to them? They could be a Professional Dumbass just like me.

This message has been brought to you by the Foundation for Old School Friendships.

“They’re not a friend unless you’ve had dinner at their house or they at yours”

(If you think I’m a fool now, listen to this)


How long does it take you to make a simple post?


So it’s June 6th and no new posts until now. Way to stay on the ball there, Ian.  I’m a victim though. An unfortunate casualty of being a multi-tasker with a short attention span. I rarely post anything on weekends because blogging  (for me) is a time-consuming task for me. I daresay it comes eerily close to being work sometimes. I spend more time editing, tweaking and dolling up a post than I do actually writing it. But then again getting the many bits and chunks of my thought chowder into the bowl can be an effort in itself.

So what better way to post than to post about how long it takes me to make a post…

  • 9:15am – My task starts today with my Monday visits to my blogroll. I need to read so that I can get my brain jump-started to do my coding. I’m starting to feel the oppressive thumb of the blank calendar pressing down on my forehead so I’m going to make a post today… but what about? I’ve had tons of though vomit over the past couple of weeks but would any of it be worthy of a post? Why not write about how long it takes to make a post? I started the post a couple of weeks back but it only got as far as a title. Takes too long to write a post so I had left it. I figured I’d come back to it eventually…
  • 9:43am – Read more blogs than I originally set out to and noticed that I was missing a couple of key elements on my own. I usually make my Facebook rounds while I’m catching up on WordPress and realized I never put up a badge for my work page. Being the true slacker I am I haven’t checked the status of that page in a couple of months. To my surprise I have enough fans to actually get a legit Facebook page name. I can’t very well go and post without updating that first…
  • 9:56am – With the page badge added and other nick knacks tweaked it’s time to image hunt. Can’t very well have a post without at least one picture. Shouldn’t be too hard to track one down related to the subject matter….
  • 10:27am – That took far longer than I wanted but I found something worthwhile. Now I can upload it to the bucket and get to writing. Damn. Morning business emails are starting to trickle in. Have to tend to those first. Plus Suzanne and I are currently trying to hash out some personal business via email. I wonder if this post will get out before noon…
  • 10:59am – Just sent out a flurry of replies to business associates, still conversing with Suzanne while trying to write this post and get work done at the same time. I’m getting the uneasy suspicion that I’ve done a post exactly like this before. I have to check. My memory is for shit…
  • 11:07am – Okay. It wasn’t exactly the same but pretty close. That one talked more about how easily distracted I get during the course of a work day. Course that’s kinda what’s happening here too. Sheesh. Tracking that down was hard. For a person that balks about not writing enough I’ve written a lot. I really need to go back to my older posts and reformat them slighty. Not right now of course. I have to finish this bloody post off. Damn the perfectionist in me. Uh oh… another reply from Suzanne. Gotta read and respond….
  • 11:20am – Had to break out the calculator for that email. I hate math. Oh well there seems to be substantial enough content to justify a post. Time to spell check. Lord knows I’ve been a typo tornado in comments as of late. Don’t want to muck it up here as well….
  • 11:23am – 12 errors? Really? Trust me people, I’m not a complete idiot. I just can’t type. Seriously. 12+ years in front of a computer and I still rock the 6 fingers typing style. It’s getting close to lunch. I have to do my last minute formatting and preview it…
  • 11:28am – Damn. Lots of caveman speak and Twitter grammar. Need to clean that up and make it somewhat coherent…
  • 11:36am – Okay. That makes a bit more sense now. You suck balls spellcheck. I found a couple of errors you missed. You were going to just go and let me post that and look like a total fool. I’m onto you. Dammit! I forgot tags. I suppose I should add them now…
  • 11:43am – Tags entered. One more check before I publish… and I still don’t know what the HELL is a Wang Chung and why I would want to do it tonight?? Damn you iTunes…
  • 11:48am – Looks solid but chances are I’ll find something after publishing. Oh well. Total time consumed making this post:  2 hours 33 minutes. Awesome.

How long does it take any of you to make a simple post? 😉


I live for this s***!


So suddenly it’s all cool to like the apocalypse now, huh? It’s all hip and trendy. It’s the bee’s knees. It made its way around the globe and became a social media wildfire topic for the past 2 weeks.

Gimme a break.

I’ve been talking about this shit since I started blogging and now just because some deranged old cleric, who should have drunk the Kool Aid, decides he wants some attention he becomes a world-wide phenomenon (even though he was catastrophically wrong)? Sure, I had fun with it as well. I even joined in the Post Rapture Looting event on Facebook for a laugh but after the dust settles all of the bandwagon jumpers will go back to the things most important to them – porn, iPads and Jersey Shore. Thankfully this isn’t a trend that’ll last (or at least I won’t have to hear about again until next year) and I can go back to my (ab)normal love for the subject matter.

To the 5000 who have graced the hallowed halls of this twisted blog (and continue to do so) you’re okay in my book. When Ragnarök does go down rest assured I’ll make sure you all live well in my kingdom.

As for the rest of the world, thanks for once again sensationalizing something that really didn’t need to be sensationalized. Thank you for making me not want to write about my favorite topic until it becomes unpopular again. I have a long memory. You won’t be the lucky ones in the wastelands. Forget raiders and highwaymen – you’d better worry about my legion of followers.  To you douches who ruined a fun topic I have but one message for you:

All you motherf***ers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are the ball-lickers. We’re gonna f*** your mothers while you watch and cry like little b****es. Once we find the old f*** that made the prophecy, we’re gonna make him eat our s***, then s*** out our s***, then eat  his s*** which is made up of our s*** that we made him eat. Then you’re all you motherf***s are next.

If anyone (aside from my wife) can figure out where I borrowed most of that closing rant from I’ll make you a General in my dystopian kingdom. ;p

Peace out and enjoy the rest of your long Rapture-free weekend folks!


It’s alive! It’s ALIVE!


The hot topic of the moment is the death of Osama Bin Laden. I despise posting about politics, world events and current news because everyone and their mother does nowadays but I find it mildly amusing that I first heard about it via social media (ie Facebook) rather than press media. I’ve often thought social media would be the death knell of journalism. While many news outlets have embraced social media, I don’t they they fully realize the ramifications. I think the term “Breaking News” will become kind of forgotten in the near future. Journalists will have to start protecting their sources and leads with an unprecedented level of security if they ever hope to have an exclusive. The way things can go viral on the Internet is baffling. Information spreads like wildfire – much quicker than television so if journalism ever hopes to survive it has to adapt accordingly. For the most part it has. Much better than the music industry did, that’s for sure.

I think back to the late 90’s when MP3 technology got mixed together with the World Wide Web. It was the greatest combination since chocolate and peanut butter. MP3 downloads rocked the music industry. They weren’t ready for it and never anticipated its impact in the long run. Some musicians saw it as a Godsend having their previously unreleasable(?) work suddenly opened up to a global audience. It opened doors and put people’s names out there. Unfortunately there were those whose names we do not speak lest we be hit with a lawsuit for speaking the truth  that  saw it as a gross violation of their sovereignty. I can understand their point of view to an extent but when an artist puts out a 17 track CD – 15 of which are garbage songs – who’s getting robbed? Who was paying $20 bucks for one or two songs? Who was being treated unfairly? Thankfully in the mid 2000’s pay-per-song became a resolution that both sides could gladly agree with. The music industry is still licking its wounds from their gross underestimation of the power of the Internet.

I’m not a hippie. I’m a fan of technology and make a living off it like millions of others. My bone of contention lies in our utter dependence on it right now. It already killed the classic library experience. Those of you who are old enough to remember, think back to when you were in grade school and had to do reports or research something. There wasn’t a one-click information sewer that you could extract what you needed from. You had to actually go to a building that stored many books that you could either read there or “rent” for a while. It saddens me that many children don’t even know the true purpose of a library. They see it as a place for free WiFi and that’s what’s scary. I’ve said it time and time again, one day everything will crash. It doesn’t even have to be a permanent thing. Just a week. A day. Heck, even an hour. Imagine an hour where global Internet communication and access is unavailable. Imagine all of the businesses, services and telecommunications that would crumble.  It’s not as outlandish as you may think and it’s a concept that many choose to brush to the wayside rather than give it a second thought.

Between the 17th and the 19th of April hackers broke into the Playstation and Qriocity Networks and stole the account information of literally millions of people. Passwords, account names, personal data and even rumored credit card information were all exposed and assumed stolen. The intrusion disrupted service for the past couple of weeks, caused a public relations nightmare for Sony and is probably costing them millions in damage control. This was just a gaming and a media network affected. Imagine if something far more expansive were to happen to vital network. What then? I don’t mean to come off like CNN with a Fear and Propaganda campaign, but it is food for thought.

No one ever thinks about anything until it happens.

That’s why I’m stoked for when we go post-apocalyptic. I’ve been planning for that for a long time now. 😀