I’m getting a little fed up with how trendy being a geek has suddenly become. Big Bang Theory is one of the most popular sitcoms nowadays. ComiCon is suddenly THE place to be for all things “cool”. Fantasy books are all the rage. Technology is hip and happening. C’mon! Gimme a fucking break. As if we’re about to forget the centuries of malicious torment people have put us through for our eclectic tastes.
Yes I say we.
I belong to an exclusive club that was formed long before man became civilized. When the monolith suddenly appeared on the rocky outcropping, we were the ones scrawling pictures of it on the cave wall while the others beat each other to death with bones. Geeks and Nerds banded together to bring forth the Renaissance. Who else would question the world being flat? We accidentally triggered the Spanish Inquisition and Salem With Hunts because people came across some of us LARPing in a fields. And yes, we united with the Nerd Brotherhood once again and brought you the Interwebs. They wanted to prove it could be done, we wanted unlimited access to porn.
We do not take kindly to people referring to themselves as geeks. The first rule of Geekdom is that thou can not call oneself a geek unless thou art christened a geek by a geek. Just saying you’re a geek gives you no credibility. Your actions and words must be deemed worthy by a geek of equal or superior heraldry. We recognize, protect and govern our own.
You must also realize that we geeks have many clans. We can specialize in various areas but rarely more than three or four at a time. Anymore would tread upon the hallowed ground of Nerdom. A Geek-of-all-Trades is an often coveted but rarely obtainable position. Techies, dweebs, movie geeks, lit geeks, tv geeks, comic freaks, fanboys (or girls), trekkies, LARPers, video gamers, deadheads, gearheads, potheads, vampers, roleplaying gamers, bunny huggers, tree biters, non-hostile celebrity stalkers, impersonators, mimes, geographers, professional wrestlers, chefs… we go by many names. I am an artist and a movie geek which gives me an almost archon-like position in our caste system. Though I have not achieved the rank of “Movie Geek of Epic Proportions” I strive towards it daily. Not a day goes by where movie dialogue doesn’t filter its way into my conversations. I am a quote machine and have an uncanny knack for recognizing actors before they were famous and predicting if they’ll skyrocket (Hi Jessica Alba – Remember Flipper?). My redundant movie knowledge qualifies me as a living breathing IMDB which makes me utterly awesome at parties.
Tread carefully when you refer to yourselves as a geek ladies and gentlemen. The real geeks out there don’t take kindly to your fly-by-night trend whoring. We are proud of who we are and dread having the bandwagon tip over from all of you jumping aboard. Do not sully what has taken us a millenia to cultivate. We like what we like because it makes us happy. Not because it’s cool. It’s always been that way. Always will be.
Piss off and get your own culture.
As if staging a Halloween costume party-slash-wedding with a post apocalyptic theme wasn’t a tell-tale sign of utter geekiness, we naturally took things a step further. There’s a fine line geek and loser and I’m proud to say that my happy feet stomp that line like the Lord of Dance himself. There were missing persons posters and contamination signs, windows boarded with fake wood planks, intricately cut out pumpkin centerpieces and even a “First Aid” trunk packed with pop. My lovely wife even managed to lay out a full-on candy bar with little take out containers and the whole shebang.
Always trust a diabetic when it comes to candy selection.
Having a post apocalyptic theme is superb because a mess is exactly the look you’re shooting for. At the end of the night things looked more perfect than the start of the festivities. With a dub wasteland 80’s funk wrapped in hip hoppy goodness playlist playing throughout the night – every so often interrupted by custom radio transmissions about alien invasions and zombie uprisings – the icing on the cake was the ZEAT left at everyone’s table.
What is the ZEAT you may ask?
Quite simply it’s an acronym for the Zombie Epidemic Aptitude Test. Yes geeks of all ages I actually compiled, printed and bound little questionnaire booklets for the reception. I figured it’d be a fun little diversion for those who had a bit too much to drink. The ZEAT is a comprehensive exam based on a wealth of redundant movie and book knowledge. While some may disagree with some of the conclusions or answers it’s still fun to use. I was digging some old papers and came across what I believe to be the last printed copy of the ZEAT. In honor of my sick fascination with the genre (and to enable the addiction of others who suffer from the same terrible disease) I present to you, the adoring masses, the ZEAT:
Z . E . A . T.
Zombie Epidemic Aptitude Test
The following 50 questions could save your life in the unfortunate event of an Undead Outbreak. Answer each question as honestly as possible. Your responses are not being monitored, recorded or stored and are for your personal use only (unless you designate otherwise). This is not a scored exam but more rather an aptitude test to gauge your cognitive knowledge on this horrific situation and whether or not you are physically, mentally and/or geographically prepared to handle a sudden outbreak. Once you have completed the exam please compare your responses to that of the Z.E.A.T. Answer Key to see how well you did.
Physical & Health (select one answer per question)
How old are you?
__ 12 or under
__ 13 – 30
__ 31 – 45
__ 46 – 64
__ 65 or older
Do you exercise regularly?
__ Gym Rat (in the gym 5 – 7 times a week)
__ Gym Dedicated (in the gym 2 -3 times a week)
__ Hard worker (work daily in a physically demanding job such as sports or construction)
__ Casual (in the gym once a week or work out at home occasionally)
__ Light (go for walks or jogs regularly)
__ Couch Potato (rarely exercise)
Do you smoke?
__ Yes – Hardcore (several packs a week)
__ Yes – Casual (a pack every week or bi-weekly)
__ Yes – Sorta (No cigarettes, but something else…hehe)
__ No (I don’t smoke anything)
Are you an active prescription medication user?
__ Yes (pain killers, heart meds, antipsychotics, insulin, etc)
__ No (clean)
Do you suffer from any substantial ailments or injuries?
__ Yes (such as cancer, diabetes, need the aid of a cane, etc)
__ No (nothing too serious)
What is your weight or build?
Social & Habits (select one answer per question)
How many people do you currently in your household?
__ Wife/Husband or live-in boy/girl friend
__ 3 – 5 people
__ 6 – 9 people
__ 10 or more people
Do you have a pet?
Are you socially active?
__ Social Slut (have many friends and family members that you keep in constant contact with)
__ Socially Sound (have a nice circle of family and friends that you keep in constant contact with)
__ Socially Guarded (have a handful of family and friends you keep in somewhat good contact with)
__ Social Deviant (can count the number of people you keep in contact with on one hand)
__ Loner (no real contact with family or friends)
Do you actively follow the news?
__ Absolutely – I actively read the papers every day, watch the daily news and frequent news sites
__ Pretty much – I keep up to date either online or with news tickers
__ Not Really – I have a general understanding of what’s going on in the world
__ Nope – Do don’t really keep up with anything
Do you watch movies or play video games often?
__ Totally – I’m a movie buff and play games regularly
__ Pretty much – I’m watch all kinds of movies and play video games occasionally
__ Not really – I don’t watch certain types of movies (Horror, comedy, etc) and rarely play games
__ Nope – I don’t care for movies much and haven’t picked up a controller in ages
__ Training & Special Skills
Do you have any hand to hand combat training?
__ Yes – Formal (military, wrestling, boxing, martial arts, etc)
__ Yes – Informal (street fighting or brawling regularly)
__ No (no training other than maybe a fist fight or two years ago)
Do you have any firearms training?
__ Yes – Formal (military, police, etc)
__ Yes – Informal (sport hunting, self-taught, etc)
__ No (Rarely if ever held or even fired a gun)
Do you have any melee weapon training?
__ Yes – Formal (military, police, etc)
__ Yes – Informal (sport hunting, self-taught, etc)
__ No (Rarely if ever held or used a melee weapon)
Do you have any First Aid training?
__ Yes – Advanced (Doctor, paramedic, EMT, nurse, etc)
__ Yes – Basic (life guard, book or class educated, work safety officer, etc)
__ No (nothing more than knowing the difference between an abrasion and a laceration)
Do you have any training in any field that could prove useful in complete society breakdown (Such as electrical, mechanics, carpentry, engineering, etc)?
Home (select one answer per question)
General climate in your area?
__ Tropical Moist: all months have average temperatures above 18° Celsius.
__ Dry: with deficient precipitation during most of the year.
__ Moist Mid-latitude Climates with Mild Winters.
__ Moist Mid-Latitude Climates with Cold Winters.
__ Polar Climates: with extremely cold winters and mild summers.
Where do you live?
__ City – Large (population in the millions)
__ City – Medium (population under 1 million)
__ City – Small (population under 500k)
__ Town – Large (population under 250k)
__ Town – Medium (population under 100k)
__ Town – Small (population under 50k)
__ Suburbs (a bit of a way from a town or city)
__ Rural Area (not near any significant population)
Scale of home or residence?
__ House – Large (2 or more stories)
__ House – Large (1 story)
__ House – Small (2 story)
__ House – Small (1 story)
__ Apartment or Condo – Large (5 or more stories)
__ Apartment or Condo – Small (4 or less stories)
Age of residence?
__ Old (pre-1950)
__ Contemporary (1951 – 1990)
__ Modern (1991 – present)
Does your home have many ground level accessible windows?
__ Many (more than 10)
__ A few (4 – 9)
__ Does not apply (live in an apartment that is not on the ground floor)
Do you own any firearms?
__ Firearms – Multiple
__ Firearms – Single
Do you own a vehicle?
__ Truck – Large (freight truck, cube van, etc)
__ Truck – Small (pickup, van, SUV, etc)
__ Car – Typical (any standard sedan)
__ Car – Small (luxury, 2 seater, etc)
__ Motorcycle or Moped
__ None (other than a bicycle)
How many non-perishable goods are currently in your residence?
__ Enough to last months
__ Enough to last a few weeks
__ Enough to last a week tops
__ Enough to last a few days
Do you own a toolbox?
__ Yes – Advanced (Mechanic level tools and accessories)
__ Yes – Basic (Standard tools and accessories)
__ Yes – Minimal (Hammer, screwdrivers, etc)
Do you own a First Aid Kit or have an Emergency Response Kit prepared?
__ Yes – I have both
__ Yes – I have a First Aid Kit or an Emergency Response Kit
__ Not Really – I have basic medical supplies such as band aids, a flashlight, simple meds, etc
__ Nope – I have nothing substantial
Does your home or residence have a backup or reserve power generator?
Situational & Judgment (select one answer per question)
Safest floor in a home?
__ Top floor of an apartment building
__ Top floor or attic of a house
__ Ground floor of an apartment building
__ Ground floor of a house
__ Basement or a house or apartment building
Best weapon to have on hand at all times?
__ Molotov Cocktail
__ Rifle (automatic or semi)
__ Knife or edged weapon
__ Blunt object
You’re unexpectedly thrust into violent zombie outbreak in your neighborhood, community or immediate area and are currently outside in the middle of all the commotion. What do you do?
__ Fight back, hold your position, and wait for help
__ Be a Samaritan and save as many as possible, wait for help
__ Go into hiding locally
__ Flee the area immediately (leave the city or town)
__ Flee the area immediately (head home)
__ Gather a few people, hold your position, and wait for help
__ Gather a few people, go into hiding locally
__ Gather a few people, flee immediately (leave the city or town)
__ Gather a few people, flee immediately (head home)
News of a zombie outbreak in your area is announced. What do you do first?
__ Head home (or if home already start securing it)
__ Head to family or friends
__ Head to police, military, fire station or designated rescue facility
__ Follow others and conglomerate to a meeting point
__ Locate nearest secure facility and hunker down
__ Flee the city/town
You’ve managed to fortify yourself (and your companions if applicable) for a few days now during the initial outbreak in a semi-secure building. However you hear cries of someone in distress coming from outside. What do you do?
__ Venture out immediately and attempt a quick rescue
__ Observe the situation from a safe vantage point and determine if a rescue is feasible
__ Do nothing, stay quiet and wait for the commotion to pass
Home base supplies are running low and you’re in danger of starvation soon. What do you do?
__ Venture out alone to raid small local shops
__ Venture out with a small group to raid small local shops
__ Venture out with a large group to raid small local shops
__ Venture out alone to raid large local stores
__ Venture out with a small group to raid large local stores
__ Venture out with a large group to raid large local stores
__ Relocate, abandon your position and search for a new base of operations
You (and your party) have managed to survive the brunt of the undead outbreak in a well fortified complex with substantial supplies and a means of producing fresh water and food. A couple of months have passed and, while the zombies are still present in great numbers, they can’t breach your facility. What next?
__ Stay put and wait it out
__ Organize ‘kill missions’ to start exterminating batches of zombies daily
__ Plan a mission to abandon the fortification and head to the mountains
A relative or close friend is bitten. What do you do?
__ Kill immediately and mourn later
__ Sever and/or cauterised the afflicted area in an attempt to stop the viral spread
__ Isolate or contain the injured individual and observe
__ Patch them up and use them for as long as you can till they turn
__ Patch them up and bring them to a medical facility (if applicable or possible)
Best protection to wear:
__ Plate Mail
__ Chain Mail
__ Shark Suit
__ Bulletproof Vest
__ Kevlar Covers
__ Loose comfortable clothing
__ Tight fitting clothing
Safest public building(s) – Check all that apply
__ Office building
__ Police station
__ Retail store
__ Shopping mall
__ Pier or Dock
__ City Hall or Capitol building
__ Military base or complex
__ Off Shore Oil Rig
When venturing into a zombie hotspot it’s best to:
__ Travel in a large group
__ Travel in a small group
__ Travel alone
True or False
Your home is the best place to weather the initial outbreak.
Swimming (in a lake or pond) is a safe way to avoid zombies.
Fire will cause a zombie to hesitate.
Zombies retain knowledge of their past lives.
Zombies can see better than the living and/or have night vision.
Zombies hunt using their ears and sense of smell.
Zombies can be domesticated.
Zombies eat humans only.
Zombies possess supernatural strength.
Zombies are fueled by or gain nutrition from the consumption of flesh.
A Zombie bite can be treated if proper medical attention is delivered immediately.
It’s safer to travel at night than during the day.
Please bear in mind this is all for fun and the love of the genre. Don’t harass me about facts and figures and probabilities. It’s for entertainment purposes! When the shit really does hit the fan we can discuss semantics then. I’d like to thank my mom and pop once again for dealign with a troubled child all these years. I’d also like to thank Max Brooks, George Romero and zombie fanatics across the globe for continually breathing new (after)life into the genre.
I suppose you want the answer key, eh? Well you have to download it. I’m done with this post. Enjoy the fact that I have stolen this time out of your life that you’ll never get back. >:p
Well lookie here. Another post. Don’t get too excited. This could very well be just another flash in the pan for all I know. In any case I decided to stick with this theme of getting back to my roots and present you all with some good old-fashioned zombie goodness. What better way to officially christen my aptly title GEEK ZONE.
This little gem came into my possession as a result of the infamous Playstation Network Hack a few months ago. No I didn’t illegally download it or circumvent anything. I’m flattered you’d think that but I’m not nearly skilled enough to do anything like that. No, this wonderful little game came as a compensatory gift from Sony during their Welcome Back Program. For those unfamiliar with the whole matter, the condensed version is Sony’s game and music network was hacked and some shifty nameless people gained access to a lot of personal data. The network was shut down for a month and change and kiddies (big and small) across the world very very angry. As a gesture of good faith for the inconvenience it caused (and to brush over the whole intrusion incident) they announced a Welcome Back program that would give all registered PSN users 2 free game downloads.
Needless to say I pounced on that like a fat man at a chinese buffet.
For some odd reason (I have no idea why) I was immediately attracted to the title of this game and the fact that it had a picture of a dude with shades blowing a pussbag’s head off. So I said why not. It’s free, right? I’ll start by saying it’s not a groundbreaking game. It doesn’t have stellar CG cut screens or dramatic dialogue. In fact their cut screens are pieces of artwork. The gameplay however is kind of funky. It’s a two stick directional shooter where you, a survivor of a zombie outbreak who is immune to the disease, fight through hordes of ravenous zombies tying to uncover the mystery of Patient Zero. I had a feeling I would like this game just based on the fact I gave out a Patient Zero Award here on WordPress many moons ago. Although the controls are painfully simplistic I must say that the gameplay is slightly addictive. Firstly the actual graphics are pretty tight. Although the game camera is always at an arial view, the level of detail in the zombies and settings are quite impressive for such a small game. The lighting and fog effects are also unnerving at certain points as well. It pays very close attention to lighting detail to the point where if you accidentally (or purposefully) destroy light sources you get plunged into very creepy scenarios where you only have your flashlight to guide you.
While some zombie purists may take exception to this, the game does introduce some special new types of undead. The majority of the game you deal with your typical slow plodding ones but every so often you get to match wits with Runners, Mouths, Jumpers and the utterly hilarious Bombies! They add an interesting dynamic to the whole zombie apocalypse theme making it great kill’em all fun.
The game’s greatest aspect is the chaos that ensues in each zone. It takes me back to the days of old Arcade shooters like Gauntlet. Is anybody even old enough to remember going to arcades? I liken the madness in this game to one of my most favorite arcade games Smash TV. Dead Nation takes the concept of being overwhelmed to a whole new level. There’s nothing quite like getting surrounded by literally hundreds of zombies and having to fight your way out. It’s totally unbelievable and outrageous but insanely fun. There’s something profoundly therapeutic about mowing down a field of brain chompers with a sub machine gun after a stressful day. It’s an easy game to learn how to play but can be incredibly hard to complete especially on higher difficulties.
As if that isn’t enough it has online co-op capabilities where you and your buddies can wreak as much havoc and mayhem as you want. There’s even an online meta game that tracks your country of origin’s progress versus the zombie epidemic against other countries. All in all it’s one of the best game downloads I ever got my hands on and definitely a crowd pleaser for zombie fan boys and girls out there.
Dead Nation is Geek Zone Approved!