Posts tagged “humor

The Secret Lives of Cats – Criminal Minds


Been watching a lot of Criminal Minds as of late. I know. Huge shock there. Ian watching a show about serial killers is SO out of the ordinary. AJ Cook is hot. I don’t even like blondes that much but man I’d eat my own arm for a chance to sniff her belly button. She can get it, keep it and do whatever she wants with it. Ok… TMI. My apologies. Anyway for those who have never seen the show it’s about a FBI task force named the BAU (Behavioral Analysis Unit). Their job is to capture serial killers, serial rapists, pedophiles, mass murderers, arsonists, etc in an attempt to profile their behavior for use against other sickos. It’s nowhere near as hokey as the CSI family of cop dramas though. It often tells tales of some pretty grizzly acts of human depravity not much different than what you find in the news any given day.

How does this tie into our cats?

Last week I had a case that needed solving. I had come in from running some errands to find multiple crime scenes. There was a poop in the bedroom, a pee in the bathroom and a gross heinous explosive puke in the bedroom closet. Immediately I cordoned off the areas to prevent the crime scene from being contaminated. I’ve logged plenty of years as a CD (Cat Detective) so I knew my keen detection skills would be needed on this one. An initial survey of the scene provided immediate results. I ascertained that it was not a tandem act but in fact a single criminal I was hunting. The two Cats of Interest have long and extensive criminal histories dating back to their earlier childhood. The fact that they’re brother and sister lead many to believe that they orchestrate crimes together but in fact they are competitive. Very rarely do they ever work together yet they both admire one another’s work. To my shock and dismay I ended up seeing an episode of Criminal Minds that called “The Last Word” where two serial killers were essentially competing against one another. This led me to believe I was dealing with a creature far more complex than I anticipated.

The Diva

Both siblings withstood grueling minutes of interrogation without cracking. I didn’t have enough evidence to pin it on either one specifically and feared I would not be able to solve the case before Suzanne’s return from Ottawa. After the clean up crews came in and cleaned up all the evidence I sat in my office trying to figure out who did it. Precious hours were ticking away. Everyone knows a case becomes incredibly harder to solve after the first 48 hours so I was hard pressed to find something to pin on one of them.

24 hours gave way to 48. Suzanne had returned home and I still couldn’t figure which one of the culprits committed the triple caticide. The last thing I needed was a serial shitter with a puking fetish in the office. Desperate, I tried to free my thoughts up by watching Criminal Minds yet again. I can’t recall the specific episode but as I sat there with the crime scene photos scattered across my desk, sipping my coffee, Agent Hotchner outlined a profile to the group of detectives and beat cops he was addressing. He said the perpetrator was narcissistic, had medium to low level education and obsessed with the act he had committed. The thing that stood out the most is when he said that the killer wants control over the situation and will often insert himself into the investigation. He’ll be at the crime scene, posing as a bystander, observing what the cops are doing. Sometimes he may even call in crimestopper tips to the cops leading them to the crime scene.

It was at that moment it all came back to me. I recalled when I first happened upon the first crime scene in the bedroom. As I surveyed the carnage I remember looking back towards the doorway. There he stood. Partially obscured by the doorframe but staring at me with his piercing orange eyes. My coffee slipped from my hands and shattered on the ground like US Customs Agent Dave Kujan’s did as I realized who had done it.

I raced into the bedroom once again and opened the door to the closet. There he stood; going over the crime scene I had cleaned up only a couple days earlier. He looked up at me with those cold orange eyes and smiled.

The Blob

If you have been never read The Oatmeal’s “How To Tell If Your Cat Is Plotting To Kill You”  you’ll get a kick out of it. It gives some amazing and amusing insight into the mindset of cats. Cat owners deal with a variety of quirks with regards to their furry little companions. It’s never a dull day.


All we are is dust in the wind, dude


Two posts in the same month. Watch out now.

Had a pretty rough time this past weekend… mentally. I not only hit the vaunted “Iqaluit Wall” but I was also contending with some issues on a social level with some people I had considered good friends at one point in time. Bad combination to deal with let me tell you. In the midst of my loathing and frustration I realized that I had forsaken a philosophy I developed a long time ago.

WFI

It’s high time I dropped the knowledge about WFI. I’ve spread the word to a select few already (with resounding success) but have never really revealed it to the general public. It’s a radical self-help treatment that is geared towards preservation of one’s own sanity. Whatever, Fuck it. That’s what it stands for. WFI isn’t just a philosophy; it’s a way of life. It turns everything you’ve been taught for years on its head.

I’m the kind of person that enjoys making other people happy. That’s why I’m the consummate jokester. Making people laugh, breaking tension, bringing someone’s mood up makes me feel good inside. No matter how awesome I happen to be, I am still human (supposedly) and prone to those crippling emotions such as doubt, regret, anger or frustration. What happens when the clown is sad? I’ve referred to it being the Pagliacci Syndrome on more than one occasion. It’s hard to be “on” all the time when you’re surrounded by the same challenges everyone else is. You’re given crooked looks when you happen to be in a bad mood. You’re criticized about your attitude when you’re not trying to make someone else’s day better. It’s almost expected that you worry more about someone else than you do yourself.

That’s where WFI comes into play.

WFI is all about being selfish. Yes. I said it. I promote selfishness. I’m not talking about absolute selfishness to the point of being a raging asshole. No, but every person needs a certain semblance of selfishness in their lives otherwise how can you stay happy and make others happy which in turns makes you happier?

Get what I’m saying?

You have to pick and choose your battles with WFI. You can’t just WFI everything because like I said earlier, you’ll be exhibiting high levels of douchiness. WFI does two primary things. Firstly it defines what you consider important and secondly establishes clear boundaries with people with regards to being taken advantage of. Yes. Many people don’t even realize when they’re being taken advantage of. The line between kindness and exploitation is often blurred when dealing with friends and loved ones. Ever notice how sometimes when you do something you feel is out of the “kindness of your heart” later makes you feel agitated? That’s because you just got exploited. It’s a natural response to doing something you really didn’t want to do. Everyone believes in fair shakes, give & take, equality, compromise and all that jazz but how often does it truly happen? It’s not the other person’s fault. In fact it’s rarely an intentional act by them. If you’ve set up a systematic pattern of concessions it’s easy to confuse what is being kind and what is a concession because of your intent to please.

WFI

How many times have you been frustrated about something and harped on it in the back of your mind to the point of madness? Take control of what you can and WFI. If it’s an issue beyond your control save your brain and dictate what affects it. It’s really that simple. You owe it to yourself to at least maintain your own sanity.

Whatever, Fuck it.

You can’t just say WFI; you have to believe in it. You have to truly cast whatever is bugging the hell out of you out of your mind. Don’t let it slither its way back in either. If it doesn’t affect your health, mental or physical, then decide whether it’s really worth racking your brains over and WFI. You’ll be amazed at how insignificant many perceived problems are when you just simplify matters. You can’t be there for your loved ones if you’re damaged goods. Help yourself help others by helping yourself.

Got something irking you?

Whatever, Fuck it… and move on to more important business.

WFI - The Philosophy of Whatever, Fuck It.


Speak No Evil


After a long deliberation period that has taken the better part of this decade I have decided that I’m going to phase out speaking to people.

Why take such a dramatic course of action one might ask?

Well it’s not a decision that I prefer, just to set the record straight. 9 times out of 10 I’ll express something perfectly clear only to have it met with a “huh” or “pardon”. At first I thought it was just individuals questioning my responses but over time I’ve found that people just seem to have a problem just understanding me period.

It’s as though I speak with a mouthful of rocks or something. It’s very gut-wrenching when you reply to something and get that lovely smile and the “I have no fucking idea what you just said but I’ll nod in agreement anyway” look. I don’t mumble and I’m quite certain my speech isn’t impaired (at least when I’m not drunk) therefore I find myself grasping at what it could be.

There are many factors that could be the cause. I have a New York accent that even after a decade away from the Big Apple I have yet to shake. Not that I want to mind you. I’m actually quite proud of my vernacular. It’s distinct enough to be easily detected yet I can actually say talk and coffee.

I also stutter occasionally, stammer more than I’d like and often get caught up searching for the right word. I’m frighteningly sarcastic but the wiring between my brain and mouth must have been done by a blind chimp because I struggle to convey even the most basic things sometimes. I don’t sound like a clod all the time though. Heck some people have actually deemed my particular brand of oratorical dumb-fuckery as being “very cool” or “really mellow”.

For me however, I’ve just grown very weary of everyone not understanding what I have to say. My mouth apparently can’t keep up with my brain therefore I am abandoning speech and sticking solely to writing from now on.Writing makes me appear smarter and wittier than spoken words could ever accomplish. Besides it’s easier to appear intelligent when you don’t have to open your mouth. I can edit what I have to say, Google things I’m not 100% sure about and correct my flubs with the wonderful power of a spell check.

I can be the intellectual I want everyone to think I am.

I’ll eventually slap a text-to-speech app on my computer so that those who still wish to talk to me can have a true Stephen Hawking-like experience. Now if you think this concept is a little off the wall, wacky or just plain weird think about it next time you’re Tweeting or chit chatting with someone on Facebook. How well do you really know a person if you haven’t physically spoken to them? They could be a Professional Dumbass just like me.

This message has been brought to you by the Foundation for Old School Friendships.

“They’re not a friend unless you’ve had dinner at their house or they at yours”

(If you think I’m a fool now, listen to this)


Happy 100th Post to Me!


Okay so it’s technically not my 100th blog post. If you count all the posts I’ve made in my Zombie Apocalypse Blog and my shared Nunavut one, I’m probably nearing 150. Today I celebrate my 100th official post on my personal blog. When I first started doing this last year I never would have expected I’d write so much. Of course it’s nowhere near the amount some bloggers post at but it’s a major accomplishment for me. In honor of this monumental post I have recruited my dear buddy Amy over at Fix It or Deal and my lovely wife over at Massively Attacked to assist me on this project.

We’ve all heard some pretty stupid things in our lives. Heck many of us are guilty of saying idiotic things and don’t even realize it. That is why I’m taking it back to my roots once again and presenting you, the faithful, with my diatribe about my top 100 of the most annoying things people tend to say. Don’t feel bad if you see yourself on this list. I know I occupy at least half the spots on this list so take solace in that you’re hanging with good company. 😉

  1. “There are no stupid questions”
    Oh there certainly are. Stop trying to convince the stupid that they’re not really stupid. Let them take responsibility for their actions for a change.
  2. “Can I ask you a question”
    Is that not a question?
  3. “New and improved”
    If something is new how can it be improved? It’s either or.
  4. “I’m only human”
    What the hell else can you be? A banana?
  5. “Same difference”
    Contradictory. Something can’t be the same and yet different.
  6. “I, myself “or “I, personally”
    Oh my GOD… are you that vain that you have to refer to yourself twice at the start of a sentence??
  7. “I thought to myself”
    Unless you’re Professor X I can’t see how anything else is possible.
  8. “Does it hurt?”
    Of course it does! Whether or not I choose to whine about it is another story.
  9. “Did I wake you?”
    Obviously if you’re asking me this question.
  10. “I don’t mean to interrupt”
    You obviously do otherwise you’d shut the hell up and wait.
  11. “Can we talk?”
    Sure we can. Most people can. Do I want to talk to you? No.
  12. “All I know is…”
    That’s a pretty belittling statement about yourself.
  13. “All I have to say is…”
    Is it ever really all you have to say?
  14. “I’m just saying”
    No. You’ve said it a few times by now so there’s no just about it.
  15. “That’s what I’m talking about”
    Funny how this is often said when he person hasn’t even said anything about the subject yet.
  16. “It’s always the last place you look”
    Of course because that’s where you find it. Duh!
  17. “Good things come to those who wait”
    No. Good things come to those who are patient and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. Those who wait are lazy, lethargic, useless wastes of space.
  18. “I could care less”
    This suggests that you’re brimming with care and could scale back a little. Perhaps you should go over your grammar basics and say “I couldn’t care less”. Big difference.
  19. “There’s no time like the present”
    That is so profound. When exactly did you get the DeLorean up and running?
  20. “Truthfully/to be honest with you”
    Were you lying to me before this??
  21. “This will hurt me more than it hurts you”
    Oh this is so false. I’m quite certain that if I shot you and felt bad about doing it your gaping wound would hurt a helluva lot more.
  22. “It’s not you, it’s me”
    Wow. Really? You are so noble to assume the blame for everything. That doesn’t make you an asshole after all.
  23. “Money doesn’t buy happiness”
    Being broke doesn’t either. At least money makes you very very content.
  24. Practice makes perfect”
    There is no such thing as perfection so it’s misleading to think you can achieve it.
  25. “I beg to differ”
    Have you ever really met someone who actually begs to disagree with you? It kind of just happens.
  26. “That was then, this is now”
    Yet another overly profound statement by someone trying to be profound. Way to state the obvious there, buddy.
  27. “Get a life”
    You mean I haven’t been alive all this time? ZOMBIE!
  28. “I can’t wait”
    You have to. There is no other option.
  29. “I would like to…”
    I despise this lead in to statements like “I would like to compliment you” or “I would like to apologize”. This just tells me you really don’t want to. If you want to say sorry, just say sorry. Don’t want to say it.
  30. “Ya or You know? “
    Got to love the insecurity of needing to ask every five minutes whether the person you’re speaking to gets what you’re saying.
  31. “I know right?”
    Nothing says dink quite like this one.
  32. “Literally”
    I hate it when people try to use this as a point of emphasis. “I literally jumped out of my skin”. Really? And you’re still alive?
  33. “Everyone knows…”
    That’s a pretty blatant lie. If everyone knew then why would there be a misunderstanding in the first place?
  34. “They say…”
    Ahh the infamous “they” sources. “They” apparently know a lot of things and “they” are responsible for even more yet no one can ever name them specifically.
  35. “Irregardless”
    It’s not a word. Plain and simple. Get it through your thick skulls. Putting an “ir” in front of something isn’t creative. It just confirms you’re an idiot.
  36. “That goes without saying”
    They why’d you say it?
  37. “Bottom line”
    Funny how there’s always several more points that follow.
  38. “With all due respect”
    Always precedes something insulting or disrespectful. People act like it’s a free pass to say whatever you like afterwards.
  39. “Like”
    Like it totally drives me like crazy when people like use the word like to much.
  40. “Forget it”
    Always used when an argument takes a bad turn but do we ever really forget it?
  41. “We’re pregnant”
    Stupid statement couples use. I’m pretty sure men haven’t started sprouting ovaries and I know the lovely ladies out there will contend that there is no “we” about being pregnant other than the mother and the Tasmanian devil known as a child.
  42. “I’m having a blonde moment”
    While blondes often set the standard idiocy knows no creed, color or race. Just look at Charlie Sheen.
  43. “Carmel”
    It’s CAR–A-MEL you dumbasses! You sound more country than a sugar sandwich when you start making up new pronunciations.
  44. “You’ll change your mind once you have a kid”
    Always used by parents towards those with no children. However why after you have a child why is it that 18 years later you’re thrilled as hell to get rid of them? Kinda hypocritical if you ask me.
  45.  “Brah”
    It’s BRO and if you’re not black or actually a sibling then don’t use it. You just sound lame.
  46. “Ghetto”
    Okay. Seriously. If you don’t come from the ghetto, never been to the ghetto or have ever seen a ghetto don’t deem something as that because it’s below your posh standards.
  47. “Do I look fat?”
    Trick question. If you say yes you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s not true you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s true you’re still fucked because they think you’re lying.
  48. “The shit’s gonna hit the fan”
    That’s just nasty and I have no idea how it got associated with trouble.
  49. “Shit happens”
    Makes one believe a crap can happen at any given moment. Unless this is Jackass I find it highly unlikely
  50.  “It’s a piece of cake”
    How the hell did this ever get associated with something being simple. It doesn’t even make sense!!
  51. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”
    Are you kidding me? The reason why I’d have cake in the first place IS to eat it. Why would I just hold on to cake?
  52.  “Easy as pie”
    Making a pie is NOT easy. Try it. From scratch. See how long it takes you.
  53.  “I saw it with my own eyes”
    As opposed to?
  54. “Put your best foot forward”
    How does one know which foot is the best? I a couple of broken toes on my left one and my right one was dislocated a dozen years ago and never healed properly.
  55. “Cross my heart and hope to die”
    That’s just morbid. Why would want to do that?
  56. “If I were you…”
    You’d know better than to utter those words.
  57. “Better late than never”
    Tell that to pizza delivery people.
  58. “Why are all the good men taken?”
    Always said by the most greedy, bitchy, dimwitted, pretentious good for nothing chicks.
  59. “The tables have turned”
    People don’t even know where this phrase came from and end up using it improperly. It was a term used back in the colonial days. People used to butcher their fresh meat on the same table they would eat on. They would simply flip the top upside down to have their dinner. The phase came to be when they didn’t want someone to come in they’d “turn the table” to the butcher side to show they were busy and didn’t want company.
  60. “Welcome to my world”
    Wow. You must be some kind of extra-dimensional being that has graced our world from the great beyond with you holier-than-thou attitude.
  61. “Walk a mile in my shoes”
    I can’t even walk a kilometer in my own shoes. Why the hell would I want to walk in your shoes? Chances are you’re not even a size 12 so I’m at an even bigger disadvantage.
  62. “The only thing to fear is fear itself”
    Uhm no. If you’re standing face-to-face with a polar or brown bear it is definitely the bear you should be very afraid of.
  63. “Nunuvvit “
    It pains me to hear people, especially Canadians, butcher a name so badly. It’s Noon-a-Voot, dammit! That’s like saying the Yuck-on or Vane-cow-ver or Basstin… oh wait. They actually do call Boston Basstin. ;p
  64. “110%”
    Okay seriously. Let’s just stop trying to make your effort more than it mathematically can be. You’re not impressing or convincing anyone.
  65.  “It’s all good”
    I’m utterly guilty of this one. It always manages to come out when a situation is clearly not that good.
  66.  “Upmost”
    It’s utmost, you ignorant asses. They’re doing remarkable things in GED programs nowadays. You should check them out.
  67. “Dialogue”
    Sheer mutilation of grammar when you hear folks say “We need to have a dialogue” or “Let’s dialogue”.


    (Contributed by She.Is.Just.A.Rat)

  68. “Nucular”
    It’s “nuclear” folks…NEW-clear not nuke-u-lar…
  69. “Some of my best friends are gay/black/Hispanic/etc.”
    If you must insist this, you’re probably racist/homophobic/etc.
  70. “I didn’t do nothing”
    Well then, you must have done something PLUS you’re totally guilty of bad grammar.
  71. “totes”
    As in I’m totally going to do something…come to think of it, totally isn’t too spectacular of a word either.
  72. “Y’all”
    ESPECIALLY if you’re in the south
  73. Galaxifying everything – as in Twitterverse, blogosphere, etc
  74. “Shouldn’t of”
    It’s shouldn’t have, Einstein
  75. “It’s not rocket science”
    Yeah, well, it still might be above my head, FFS
  76. “Trust me”
    This usually means the opposite of what you should be doing when someone says this
  77. “Everything happens for a reason”
    No, I’m pretty sure there’s some random chaotic shit that occurs for absolutely no reason.  This however, does not preclude ‘cause and effect’.
  78. “Takes one to know one”
    This is the slightly more adult version of “I know you are, but what am I?”
  79. “Epic”
    That is all.
  80. “BFF”
    …can go and die in a hole right now.
  81. “Exact same”
    Redundancy at its finest
  82. “There are no losers today”
    Unless it’s a tie, someone’s performance was NOT as good as that of someone else.  So there is definitely a loser.
  83. “I could be wrong”
    Yes, you could.  And you probably are.
  84. “You can do anything you put your mind to”
    Lies!  I’ve been willing myself to fly for years now…and I still can’t do that.  There are some things you’ll never do.
  85. “Awhile”
    It’s “a while”. Stop making up new words because you’re lazy.
  86. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another”
    Wow.  Did you figure that out through process of elimination?
  87. “Dirt poor or filthy rich”
    Well what is it?  Because I need to know the proper level of grubby that I need to be here…
  88. “Conversate”
    I know you want to use this word when you mean “converse”, but it doesn’t make you sound any more intelligent than you are.  In fact, it usually has the opposite effect.
  89. “You can’t do that!”
    Oh yes I can…watch me!  Just because I’m not allowed to, doesn’t mean I can’t do it.
  90. ANYTHING the news says to get you to watch e.g. “You won’t believe what’s threatening your life at the grocery store now…coming up at 5!”


    (Contributed by Amy)

  91. “What can I do ya for?”
    Was this ever clever? Can we strike this from our collective lexicon?
  92. “My husband would never let me do that.”
    Are you kidding me? You’re not an indentured servant, don’t act like one.
  93. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
    Actually, sometimes when bad things happen they eat at you and tear you down and make you weak. Just because I survived doesn’t mean I’m stronger for it. It just means that I didn’t roll over and die. Please stop saying this to people.
  94. “Someone’s cranky this morning.”
    Saying this to me is a good way to get punched in the throat.
  95. “Hey, girl.”
    This, by itself, isn’t annoying, but try hearing it from a 50+ year old, gold-chain-wearing sleeze-ball on a daily basis and you’ll develop a chronic dislike of these two words. Trust me on this.
  96. “Computers don’t like me.”
    They aren’t dogs. They can’t smell fear. Learn how to use a mother-frackin’ computer!
  97. “Can you help me un-jam the copier?”
    Translation: Can you un-jam the copier while I stand behind you and huff impatiently?
  98. “Just kidding.” or “I’m only joking.”
    Really? I thought you were deadly serious when you said you were going to lock your mother-in-law in the basement like the troll you suspect she is. How awkward. I’ve already called the cops. (Hint: If we’re laughing with you, we know you’re joking. You don’t have to clarify.)
  99. “Oh, I’m wacky. You never know what I’ll do next.”
    Unlike #98, if you feel the need to tell people you are wild/crazy/wacky, then you’re probably the exact opposite.
  100.  “How many kids do you have?”
    It’s amazing how many people assume that because I am married and of child-bearing age I must have children so they just skip the standard “Do you have kids?” question and jump right to asking how many. Fair warning: If you ask me this question be prepared for my stock answer of “After I sold the first three on the black market, I stopped keeping count.”

As always if you’ve found something I’ve said offensive, derogatory or demeaning then by all mean send your complaints to:

getasenseofhumor@pissoff.com

Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow!