Posts tagged “karl pilkington

Oh, wouldn’t it be great if I was crazy? Then the world would be okay.

Suzanne likes to mock me because I keep a Random Thoughts file on my desktop. What is a Random Thoughts file one may ask (but I don’t know why because it’s quite obvious)? It’s a simple text document that I make available for whenever I  have an errant thought that crosses my mind while working. I spend an obscene amount of hours in front of a computer. Most of the time its spent staring at line after line of coding. Sometimes my brain goes on recess without telling me and decides to start chatting at the water cooler about the weirdest subject matter. Whenever I’m blessed with one of these tasty thought nuggets I jot it down. I tend to have the memory of a lame rabbit so if I don’t write it somewhere I’ll forget about it.

After a while the file tends to get a bit lengthy. I did this once before with a previous random though post. I let that one go without publishing for far too long and I ended up sounding like a lunatic. I’m not a comedienne. I don’t sit here and write jokes as though I’m preparing for a stand up gig. I legitimately have had every thought you see here cross my mind. Some more times than others. Often these thoughts get turned into full-blown posts in and of themselves if I harp on them for long enough but for now they’re just random thoughts. So once again in honor of the patron saint of my kingdom, Karl Pilkington, I’ve decided to grace the world with more excerpts from my grand file of knowledge and excellence…

  • Relax is such a perverted song. “Shoot it in the right direction”. BWAHAHAHA
  • Why do we say “ouch” when a piece of clothing scrapes against something without doing any harm to you?
  • Damn… up here I feel like Penny from Big Bang Theory. No I’m not all of a sudden hot and blonde… just feeling really intellectually inferior.
  • I take exception to that the “girl next door” look. I’m 35 years old dude and I have never seen a “girl door next door” that looked like this proverbial girl next door. The last “girl next door” was a sunbathing crackhead prostitute. Yeah. Try to imagine that sight. It’s disturbing and I gotta live with that image burnt into my brain for the rest of life. Okay so my childhood best friend (and next door neighbor) had a sister and she grew up to be a beautiful young lady but that doesn’t count. She was like my sister. A very hot and delicious younger sister. Mmmm. Oh stop it with the frowns. I’m an only child and nothing ever happened.
  • My life is one continuous blonde moment… sorry blonde friends out there
  • If you are speaking loud enough that I can hear you – be it on your damn iPhone or chatting with your buds in the hallway – then obviously you want me to join the conversation.  So I will.  Don’t look at me that way.  I don’t care if I don’t know what’s being discussed.  When has that ever stopped me?
  • I’m a little tired of these ridiculously graphic “stop smoking” commercials trying to scare smokers into quitting. News flash ass monkey ad execs, the majority of people in North American DON’T smoke so your highly disturbing commercials are actually more offensive to the people who are doing their part than it is for the few who continue to smoke.
  • I’d sell a kidney to be Nelly Furtado’s jeans for a day.
  • If I owned a building and was renting apartments, my office would be laid out with ninja pressure plates throughout. Any potential renters would have to approach my desk. If they tripped my traps with their heavy footed selves they would SO not get a top floor apartment.
  • I’m done with the Bud Light “I’m in, I’m out” promotion. It’s bullshit. The bottom line is the I’m out guy has a job and will keep it. Nuff said.
  • Tried brushing my tongue today. Gag reflex kicked in. The bathroom will never be the same. Won’t be trying that again.
  • People often confuse wisdom with being smart. I’m not smart. I’m humble. I’m incredibly witty. I’m devastatingly awesome but certainly not smart by any means. I’m very wise though. Wisdom comes from experience and learning from those experiences. Being smart means you have a lot of acquired knowledge. Some may argue it’s the same thing but it’s not. If I were both smart and wise I would have this world under my thumb by now, but alas… I was created to be just wise. I will rule this world one day though. I won’t let a little thing like smarts get in my way.
  • I just saw an exercise DVD advertised on TV. It’s pretty wicked. You can now train women in large groups to be whores and it includes their very own Ho Pole..err Flirty Girl Exercise Pole for just a dollar. Sweet.

    I shit you not. Check the 1:43 mark and see if I’m lying about the pole.
  • I think my cat farted on me last night. I didn’t think they were capable of doing that but I won’t be resting my head near his bum anymore.
  • I should move forward with my new product campaign. INSTANT WATER – Just add water. All I need is a distributer…
  • Is Sisqo dead? He used to be popular but isn’t anymore. I liked his shiny hair.

Overinformation: The Secret to Unproductivity

Overinformation. That’s right.

You won’t find that in Webster’s. It’s yet another word I’ve made up. I’m not only a Professional Dumbass but I’m also on the Board of Directors for Procrastination Incorporated. I’m quite certain my severe lack of book smarts leads me to get easily distracted by the shininess of the Internet. I’ve found that a good chunk of my time “working” is spent being sidetracked by a mind that thinks like a 10 year old and having access to any information you want instantly.

Good thing I’m my own boss. I’d fire my ass if I were employed by me.

In an attempt to display some faux intelligence I’ve developed a formula for my procrastination. Do I care if it makes mathematical sense or not? Of course not. If someone tries to explain the nuances of Algebra and Calculus I’ll just nod in agreement and put on my interested face as I start playing “Deep Cover” in my brainPod. Anyway here’s what it looks like:

(My Childlike Brain / My Music Taste) x ((Wikipedia + Google + IMDB) x ( YouTube + WordPress)) =  (Un)Productivity

So once again I’ve decided to take you all on a strange and beautiful ride on my Train of Thought as I cruise through a typical work morning. Mind you everyday isn’t like this. Sometimes I’m actually so hard core into the work sitting in front of me that I’ll start seeing the real world in pixels, but every so often I have an experience like this:

  • Throw on headset and start working…
  • 2 hours  into coding “Push it” by Garbage comes on. Halfway through the song I wonder if I just heard Shirley Manson say Push it. Make the penis go harder. That’s perverted kinda. Did she actually say that? I’ve never really paid attention to the lyrics. I’m quite certain she said that. I have to check the lyrics on that…
  • Open up Google in another browser tab and type in “push it garbage lyrics”. Dang. It says Push it. Makes the beats go harder. My lyrics make more sense. I wonder what Shirley is up to lately? Last I saw she was on The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I wonder if she ditched music all together and is acting now…
  • Google “shirley manson”. Hmm… lots of rocker pictures of the demented red head. She’s hot in a weird sorta way. Ah. The Internet Movie Database. Always one of my favorite sites. That should be able to tell me if she’s full time acting now…
  • Nope. She was just in the The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I liked that show. A lot of people bashed it but it was fun watching. Lena Headey was hot. Oh man. It must be the accent and the look. Not so much of  a fan of the tats but she has that “I’ll break you” look in her eyes. That’s provocative. Boy if I was rich and famous… and single… and in Hollywood… let me click through see if she’s up to anything…
  • Right on! She’s in that series coming on HBO soon – Game on Thrones. That looks like something up my alley. Reminds me of the good ole days of gaming. I should really try to rally some forces and bring the art of gaming up here to the north. There are tons of nerds up here. I just got to crack their tough business exteriors…
  • Just Can’t Get Enough” by Depeche Mode comes on. It immediately makes me think of Karl Pilkington. I remember him rocking out to that while in Mexico on that show An Idiot Abroad. That dude is trip. How can anyone be that clueless yet utterly brilliant? I heard he didn’t want to do a continuation to that series. I wonder if there’s any info on that…
  • Google “karl pilkington”. Ahh.. Wikipedia. They always keep up to date with stuff. 10 minutes into reading through his Wikipedia page “Putting Out the Fire” by David Bowie chimes in…
  • Hmm. That was such a perfect song in Inglourious Basterds. I’d like to put fire out with gasoline. That’d be like a huge fire…hehe. I wonder if Quentin is putting out another movie sometime soon. I rarely don’t not like his flicks…
  • Jump back to One of the headlines reads “Oh No! Jackass Star Steve-O Busted in Canada“. Oh lord. What has he done now? That nut. Busted in Canada, eh? I’m in Canada. I have to read this…
  • Outstanding warrant? Figures. That wasn’t all that interesting. Hey what’s this (as my eye glances to the Top News”)… “Could Will Ferrell join ‘The Office’ full time?“. Ha! That’d be hilarious. I have to read this…
  • After clicking through and reading the full article on E! Online I look down at my system tray and notice the time – 11:41 am. Dang! I just wasted about an hour browsing around and writing this post. Dammit! And I have to find a picture for the post too. Can’t very well post without at least one picture…
  • Google “procrastibnation” . Screw you Google. I know I misspelled it. I don’t need you to tell me that.  Stop trying to prove your intelligence to me. I’m not impressed. My finger slipped. You know what I was meaning. Just show me the bloody images…
  • 5 minutes into sifting through images I realize none of them suit me. I should just make my own. I am a designer after all, right?
  • Google “computer mouse”. “Rock Lobster” by the B-52’s comes on. Ha ha. This song is the worst most awesome song ever. Why am I listening to this? I heard they put out another album not too long ago. They’re old… but I like Kate Pierson. She’s a gilf for sure. Am I weird for saying that? I should find some pictures of her. NO. Stop it and finish your post!
  • 10 minutes later with “One” by Metallica shredding through my earphones I manage to finish off my crappy graphic and get it uploaded to photobucket. OMG! This is without a doubt one of the best metal songs ever. Old Metallica rocks! What the hell happened to them? They went to hell when Jason Newsted left. They used to epitomize cool but now suck so much ass. How can Metal Gods turn into mortal douches? Dammit. I hate the net up here. Why does everyone have to come online at the same time? Oh wait. It’s lunch time. Time for a break…

You see ladies and gentlemen, that’s how a typical morning can just get away from me. I’ve purposefully laced this post with more links than usual just to prove a point. If you’ve been here reading this and clicking through links I’ve posted and doing everything but what you’re supposed to be doing then you too are a valued member of the Corporation.

Remember. The only real recyclable waste is wasted time. Cheers!

Do you believe there is a part of yourself, deep inside in your mind, with things you don’t want other people to see?

I feel like a cad for not writing much as of late. I thought I had been lacking things to talk about and that was the cause of my writer’s block. Turns out that’s not the case. It’s the polar opposite. My mind is incredibly unfocused because I have too much to talk about actually. I came to this stunning realization watching The Ricky Gervais Show the other day. If you’re unfamiliar with it, I highly suggest you watch an episode or two to really appreciate the brilliance of Karl Pilkington. He’s my new idol now. He lives up to his moniker of being The Most Brilliant Man in the World. Karl’s insights into everyday life often leave people flabbergasted. Many can’t fathom that a person can be so utterly naive but I’m a firm believer in the fact that some people’s train of thought just doesn’t go to the same cities as most.

In honor of Karl I’ve decided to share with you a half hour inside my mind while I toil away with coding and programming. This isn’t quite a free thought exercise because I did have to come here and spend an hour doing the classic editing and dolling up before posting but it’ll give you a good idea as to why I don’t think like most. In true WordPress fashion I present my first random thought list….

  • Why is it cute if a baby pukes on you but if you puke on a baby you’re vilified?
  • There should be a Child Return Program for parents who have dysfunctional children. Not handicapped, just the persistently bad ones. You know the ones where no matter what you do as a parent they still are bad. They’re obviously broken so you should have the option to return them and get a loaner while they fix your kid. A loner with the option to trade in… yeah… I like that.
  • There is no Ian, only Zuul.
  • I’m tired of the Broadview Home Security commercials that show the “classic” damsel in distress with the lonely female or mother and child suddenly terrorized by a male burglar. Like dudes can’t and won’t get scared if someone broke into their house. Truth be told, as crazy as mofos are now I’d be kinda scared shitless if someone broke into my place cuz there’s no telling what they can or would do.
  • Aragorn is a highly underrated actor. Just watch The Road.
  • I like wontons.
  • I think zebras were given a raw deal cuz really… where can they hide?
  • I’m built like a treasure troll. Maybe I can be that for Halloween this year. All I need is a wig and a belly jewel. (Welcome to your worst thought of the day folks)
  • Do secret documents really have the word SECRET scrawled on them?
  • Chocolate…
  • Professional Video Gaming, Golf, Poker, Darts and NASCAR are NOT sports FFS. They’re GAMES of competition, not physical sports. Sports dictates a a certain semblance of physical training and/or performance. While some may argue that you have to physically train for race car driving and golf, it’s a moot point when you see tubby bastards and old decrepid fuckers out there doing it. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of skill training involved but you don’t see me trying to get the World Series of Web Design started, do ya? My field requires a lot of skill. How about World Championship Sketching? Get over yourselves already. You’re not athletes and you never will be. Your products of the media’s attempt to wrangle viewers for the idiot box. End of story.
  • Nickelback is dope. That is all.
  • Prunes get a bad rep. Perhaps it’s time they get rebranded as something else cuz when you hear the word “prune” you think of bowel movements and old people.
  • Boobs rule. I dunno why. They just do. I’ve never really sat back and thought of why. I’m quite certain there must be some kind of genetic homing beacon embedded in there somewhere. 9 times out of 10 ladies catch a dude clocking her breasts and get offended. Ease up oh ye owners of the magic globes. It could be a heck of a lot worse. If staring at boobs was all about sex wouldn’t you think there would be far more crotchal staring going on? Imagine that the next time someone is staring and be thankful instead of disgusted.
  • Note to self: Never shave the moustache off ever again. I look like a caramel chimp without my whiskers.
  • Ever notice how “they” are responsible for so much in the world. Who the hell are “they”?
  • 60% of the time my plans work all the time.
  • Note to advertisers who want us to believe the supposed “real person” testimonials – hire people who don’t have bone white teeth. It’s kinda hard for me to believe a person’s comments are legit when I’m shielding my eyes from they glare off their teeth cuz we all know everyone in real life have shining pearly whites…
  • Someone should really put Paul Walker and Channing Tatum in an arena and have them do battle with a pack of rabid badgers. No this isn’t a movie idea. I want this to actually happen. It’d be awesome. Chances are one of them would get mauled and die and I  wouldn’t have to suffer their terrible acting anymore. A world without at least one of them would be a better one for you and me indeed.
  • I still don’t know what the hell a hubris is and I refuse to learn how to use it in a sentence.