Posts tagged “professional dumbass

Overinformation: The Secret to Unproductivity

Overinformation. That’s right.

You won’t find that in Webster’s. It’s yet another word I’ve made up. I’m not only a Professional Dumbass but I’m also on the Board of Directors for Procrastination Incorporated. I’m quite certain my severe lack of book smarts leads me to get easily distracted by the shininess of the Internet. I’ve found that a good chunk of my time “working” is spent being sidetracked by a mind that thinks like a 10 year old and having access to any information you want instantly.

Good thing I’m my own boss. I’d fire my ass if I were employed by me.

In an attempt to display some faux intelligence I’ve developed a formula for my procrastination. Do I care if it makes mathematical sense or not? Of course not. If someone tries to explain the nuances of Algebra and Calculus I’ll just nod in agreement and put on my interested face as I start playing “Deep Cover” in my brainPod. Anyway here’s what it looks like:

(My Childlike Brain / My Music Taste) x ((Wikipedia + Google + IMDB) x ( YouTube + WordPress)) =  (Un)Productivity

So once again I’ve decided to take you all on a strange and beautiful ride on my Train of Thought as I cruise through a typical work morning. Mind you everyday isn’t like this. Sometimes I’m actually so hard core into the work sitting in front of me that I’ll start seeing the real world in pixels, but every so often I have an experience like this:

  • Throw on headset and start working…
  • 2 hours  into coding “Push it” by Garbage comes on. Halfway through the song I wonder if I just heard Shirley Manson say Push it. Make the penis go harder. That’s perverted kinda. Did she actually say that? I’ve never really paid attention to the lyrics. I’m quite certain she said that. I have to check the lyrics on that…
  • Open up Google in another browser tab and type in “push it garbage lyrics”. Dang. It says Push it. Makes the beats go harder. My lyrics make more sense. I wonder what Shirley is up to lately? Last I saw she was on The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I wonder if she ditched music all together and is acting now…
  • Google “shirley manson”. Hmm… lots of rocker pictures of the demented red head. She’s hot in a weird sorta way. Ah. The Internet Movie Database. Always one of my favorite sites. That should be able to tell me if she’s full time acting now…
  • Nope. She was just in the The Sarah Connor Chronicles. I liked that show. A lot of people bashed it but it was fun watching. Lena Headey was hot. Oh man. It must be the accent and the look. Not so much of  a fan of the tats but she has that “I’ll break you” look in her eyes. That’s provocative. Boy if I was rich and famous… and single… and in Hollywood… let me click through see if she’s up to anything…
  • Right on! She’s in that series coming on HBO soon – Game on Thrones. That looks like something up my alley. Reminds me of the good ole days of gaming. I should really try to rally some forces and bring the art of gaming up here to the north. There are tons of nerds up here. I just got to crack their tough business exteriors…
  • Just Can’t Get Enough” by Depeche Mode comes on. It immediately makes me think of Karl Pilkington. I remember him rocking out to that while in Mexico on that show An Idiot Abroad. That dude is trip. How can anyone be that clueless yet utterly brilliant? I heard he didn’t want to do a continuation to that series. I wonder if there’s any info on that…
  • Google “karl pilkington”. Ahh.. Wikipedia. They always keep up to date with stuff. 10 minutes into reading through his Wikipedia page “Putting Out the Fire” by David Bowie chimes in…
  • Hmm. That was such a perfect song in Inglourious Basterds. I’d like to put fire out with gasoline. That’d be like a huge fire…hehe. I wonder if Quentin is putting out another movie sometime soon. I rarely don’t not like his flicks…
  • Jump back to One of the headlines reads “Oh No! Jackass Star Steve-O Busted in Canada“. Oh lord. What has he done now? That nut. Busted in Canada, eh? I’m in Canada. I have to read this…
  • Outstanding warrant? Figures. That wasn’t all that interesting. Hey what’s this (as my eye glances to the Top News”)… “Could Will Ferrell join ‘The Office’ full time?“. Ha! That’d be hilarious. I have to read this…
  • After clicking through and reading the full article on E! Online I look down at my system tray and notice the time – 11:41 am. Dang! I just wasted about an hour browsing around and writing this post. Dammit! And I have to find a picture for the post too. Can’t very well post without at least one picture…
  • Google “procrastibnation” . Screw you Google. I know I misspelled it. I don’t need you to tell me that.  Stop trying to prove your intelligence to me. I’m not impressed. My finger slipped. You know what I was meaning. Just show me the bloody images…
  • 5 minutes into sifting through images I realize none of them suit me. I should just make my own. I am a designer after all, right?
  • Google “computer mouse”. “Rock Lobster” by the B-52’s comes on. Ha ha. This song is the worst most awesome song ever. Why am I listening to this? I heard they put out another album not too long ago. They’re old… but I like Kate Pierson. She’s a gilf for sure. Am I weird for saying that? I should find some pictures of her. NO. Stop it and finish your post!
  • 10 minutes later with “One” by Metallica shredding through my earphones I manage to finish off my crappy graphic and get it uploaded to photobucket. OMG! This is without a doubt one of the best metal songs ever. Old Metallica rocks! What the hell happened to them? They went to hell when Jason Newsted left. They used to epitomize cool but now suck so much ass. How can Metal Gods turn into mortal douches? Dammit. I hate the net up here. Why does everyone have to come online at the same time? Oh wait. It’s lunch time. Time for a break…

You see ladies and gentlemen, that’s how a typical morning can just get away from me. I’ve purposefully laced this post with more links than usual just to prove a point. If you’ve been here reading this and clicking through links I’ve posted and doing everything but what you’re supposed to be doing then you too are a valued member of the Corporation.

Remember. The only real recyclable waste is wasted time. Cheers!


Have you ever wondered if there was more to life, other than being really, really, ridiculously good looking?

Well after taking a couple of weeks hiatus and participating in some unscheduled snow mobile acrobatics (aka flipping the dang machine) I come back here to find out that I’ve been nominated by both my zombie-love mistress Amy over at Fix it or Deal and the ever lovely poet-who-didn’t-know-it Hippie Cahier for a Stylish Blogger Award

The award is utterly justifiable for these two young ladies. When I first started blogging last year their’s were a couple of the first blogs I subscribed. They’re both highly creative and entertaining in with their writing styles yet so uniquely different, which is why I adore them and congratulate them on the recognition.

As for me, this came as a shock  because I wouldn’t consider my blog to be anything remotely close to stylish. You’re looking at it now! Does this look like stylish? It’s kinda rude, crude and convoluted but apparently a few people seem to like it. It’s even more perplexing that I received the award when I haven’t been blogging as much. I guess that means I should crack the whip and get back to posting then, eh? I know… this is the worst acceptance speech ever but who cares. I’m allowed to gush a bit, right? In doing the brief research on this perplexing win I found out that it comes with a few strings attached. In order to proudly display this trophy I must list five of my favorite things and then pick five bloggers to share this honor with.

Sounds like simpler than picking up a package up here from the local post office… but that’s another story…

Let’s see, 5 of my favorite things huh? That sounds easy in theory but the reality is I can only list 4 of my favorite things which makes it a much tougher decision. Why only four? Well while I am a licensed Professional Dumbass, I know better than to upset the powers that be by failing to mention the relationship I have with my beloved wife as one of my favorite “things”.  However since I did make note of it beforehand I think that gives me a pass on having to list it, right? Right? So I will list my 5 favorite things then! >:p

  1. Zombies – Duh. I mean c’mon if you don’t know I adore the goofy disgusting bastards by now you really don’t know me or my blog. How can you not like zombies? They’re slow, stupid and easy to make fun of. If you’re a fan of the faster ones then they make for great workout partners. They’ll keep that cardio up to par. I’ve loved the zombie genre since I saw the original Dawn of the Dead way back when I was like 5 years old. While there have been some pretty awful interpretations of the idea, as a whole it’s a very fascinating concept to me.
  2. Silence – I never realized how much I like absolute silence until I came up to Nunavut. At times it’s like being in a sensory deprivation tank it’s so quiet. Having grown up in New York and lived in big cities pretty much all my life it’s utterly zentastic to, as Depeche Mode would say… enjoy the silence.
  3. Chocolate – Before cigarettes. Before coffee. Before video games. Even before pop… there was chocolate. It reigns supreme in the Kingdom of Ian. When the world gets flipped on its ass and we go back to bartering chocolate anything will have great value within my realm. I was able to quit smoking many years ago and even cut back on my pop and coffee intake but one thing I’ll always go into crackhead mode over is chocolate. If I don’t get regular doses of it I get irritable and get the cold shakes. I need my fix and will do anything to get it. Okay… so that’s a little extreme but I really do like chocolate. ;p
  4. Face Off – No not the awful Nicolas Cage / John Travolta movie. I’m talking about the TV series on the SyFy channel. I’m not the hugest fan of reality TV (although I am guilty of watching several seasons of Survivor) but there’s something about this show that just gets me. It’s a competition show where contestants are make up artists competing for a grand prize and being judged by some of the industry’s top pros. I guess my fascination for it goes back to my childhood. I think John Carpenter’s “The Thing” did it for me. After seeing that fell in love with twisted movie special effects. That was back in the days when computer imaging was at its infancy so everything had to be made from scratch by hand.  I’ve always loved the special effects trade. Screw CGI. The men and women who craft the special effects makeup and prosthetics for movies and TV are the true artists. That’s some serious painstaking work and I applaud what they do.  All I can say is Conner and Tate are sick. Artists after my own heart.
  5. Leah Remini – Okay so… she’s not a thing. Well she kinda is. A hot sexy yummy thing… wait! I didn’t say that. A thing can be anything right? She’s a person so I’m claiming her as one of my things. I dunno what it is about her. I am utterly smitten with her (and Helen Mirren but that’s another story). I don’t know if it’s her uber-Brooklyn accent or tougher-than-nails attitude on the King of Queens but whenever that show is on I’m entranced by her. It’s all good though. Suzanne has allowed me to fawn over her because I gave her Christian Bale a while back.

Sorry… I almost forgot I was supposed to nominate people. I got so wrapped up in staring at Leah that the world started turning into bright lights and unicorns. ANYWAY… I hate having to choose people. There are so many awesomely talented writers out there that it’s hard to put one above another. In all fairness I shall nominate those who haven’t been nominated already (at least not my knowledge):

  1. Random Musings of a Frogged Mind – Pure candy for the brain.
  2. Massively Attacked – My lovely wife. Not only smart but witty as well.
  3. Herding Cats in Hammond River – Brilliant lady with a pen who also has a magic wand in the kitchen.
  4. Faith and Stage Fright – Epitomizes style.
  5. The Blurt – The man who needs no award or recognition because he is awesome (but gets an award anyway).

Enjoy and spread the good nature!

It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue

I hate myself.

Yet I’m so overwhelmingly proud of myself as well. Sounds like a paradox but here’s why. I’ve been a Professional Dumbass for a career amount of years now and in that time I’ve developed skills that have helped me ascend to the top of my field. One of those skills is the nefarious art of lying. It’s a skill I don’t employ too often but when I do I am a George Costanza caliber lie architect.

Yes a lie architect. A liar is just a fool looking to trick someone with a bad excuse. A lie architect is someone who can manipulate outcomes through careful scripting.

My services got called upon about a week ago. The husband of one of our friends up here (who shall remain nameless) wanted to surprise her with a visit. He wanted to keep the wool pulled over her eyes for as long as possible and looked to Suzanne to be the vehicle of deception to lure her to the airport when he arrived. Suzanne, being the sugary sweet cream puff she is, couldn’t formulate a viable lie if her life depended on it so she turned to The Architect. While not one of my grander concoctions, I did come up with a plan of action that was pretty well grounded. I gave her these instructions to run with…

You’ve secretly been in contact with my parents since my around my birthday (Dec. 6th). You felt bad about not being able to do much for my birthday or Christmas, considering the expenditures we had to make moving up here, but still wanted to try to do something special. You’ve been trying to work with them in arranging a secret visit. Nothing too long – maybe a weekend or so. However schedules and finances made it pretty much an impossibility December and January. Fortunately the planets aligned properly and what not and they were able to book a flight up for the 17th of February. They intend to stay for a couple of days and fly out on Sunday. The coup de grâce will be for them to “just show up” later that night and surprise the hell out of me. The whole trick of the matter is getting them to the Capitol Suites without me knowing.  My father has a bum leg and you can use all the help you can getting them from the airport to the hotel. Since you’re a n00b at lying you can cover up any nervousness about lying to her by claiming it’s nervousness about trying to pull off this grand deception on me.

Fueled with anxiety and the thrill of having a solid lie, Suzanne put the plan into motion. It was at that moment I felt bad. I began to question whether what I did was right or not. It came back to one simple question – can lying ever be for the greater good? It seems impossible when you think about it immediately. The basis of a lie is to deceive someone, right? And deceiving someone is bad, right? Even if it is for a good reason. Ultimately does the deed justify the act?

I toiled with this concept while I waited with bated anticipation of his arrival. Suzanne and I coordinated throughout the target day, trading emails back and forth updating one another. Unfortunately Old Man Fate stepped in and caused a cancellation of his flight so he ended up getting held over till today. The plan was still a go, by his request, so we picked up where we left off on Friday.

In the end everything turned out perfectly. Our dear friend was properly duped and now blissfully in the embrace of her clever husband,  Suzanne is puffy-chested and proud having pulled of an Oscar worthy performance and me… well I’m left with mixed emotions. I’m happy for helping make someone happy but I still feel a little awful for writing the blueprint for the deception. Con jobs like that are usually reserved for friends you’ve known for a long time, not recently made ones. You run the risk of not having that friend anymore after a grand ole bushwackin’ like that. However it was an awesome lie indeed and for that I’m proud.

To all ye would-be liars out there, take some advice from a pro. A lie is a work of art. It takes skill. It takes patience. It takes planning but most of all it takes commitment. Simply coming up with something off the top of your head is insulting to us pros and does nothing but come back to haunt you in the end due to its poor conception. The devil is in the details. The more back story you have the more believable the lie. Unfortunately a lie is only as good as your commitment to it. If you or your subordinates can’t follow through to the end then there’s no point in lying in the first place. Just like being held in the interrogation room, someone always cracks.

So to the young lady that I helped mislead (and I know reads this blog on occasion) I wholeheartedly apologize for laying the groundwork. Ironically, the greatest secret to lying is not doing it that often. Everyone lies. If they claim they don’t you’ve just witnessed a prime example of a bad, unformatted lie. If you plot, plan and sculpt your lies and do them infrequently they blend into the fabric of the truth seamlessly.

Trust me. Would I lie to you about that? 😉