Suzanne likes to mock me because I keep a Random Thoughts file on my desktop. What is a Random Thoughts file one may ask (but I don’t know why because it’s quite obvious)? It’s a simple text document that I make available for whenever I have an errant thought that crosses my mind while working. I spend an obscene amount of hours in front of a computer. Most of the time its spent staring at line after line of coding. Sometimes my brain goes on recess without telling me and decides to start chatting at the water cooler about the weirdest subject matter. Whenever I’m blessed with one of these tasty thought nuggets I jot it down. I tend to have the memory of a lame rabbit so if I don’t write it somewhere I’ll forget about it.
After a while the file tends to get a bit lengthy. I did this once before with a previous random though post. I let that one go without publishing for far too long and I ended up sounding like a lunatic. I’m not a comedienne. I don’t sit here and write jokes as though I’m preparing for a stand up gig. I legitimately have had every thought you see here cross my mind. Some more times than others. Often these thoughts get turned into full-blown posts in and of themselves if I harp on them for long enough but for now they’re just random thoughts. So once again in honor of the patron saint of my kingdom, Karl Pilkington, I’ve decided to grace the world with more excerpts from my grand file of knowledge and excellence…
- Relax is such a perverted song. “Shoot it in the right direction”. BWAHAHAHA
- Why do we say “ouch” when a piece of clothing scrapes against something without doing any harm to you?
- Damn… up here I feel like Penny from Big Bang Theory. No I’m not all of a sudden hot and blonde… just feeling really intellectually inferior.
- I take exception to that the “girl next door” look. I’m 35 years old dude and I have never seen a “girl door next door” that looked like this proverbial girl next door. The last “girl next door” was a sunbathing crackhead prostitute. Yeah. Try to imagine that sight. It’s disturbing and I gotta live with that image burnt into my brain for the rest of life. Okay so my childhood best friend (and next door neighbor) had a sister and she grew up to be a beautiful young lady but that doesn’t count. She was like my sister. A very hot and delicious younger sister. Mmmm. Oh stop it with the frowns. I’m an only child and nothing ever happened.
- My life is one continuous blonde moment… sorry blonde friends out there…
- If you are speaking loud enough that I can hear you – be it on your damn iPhone or chatting with your buds in the hallway – then obviously you want me to join the conversation. So I will. Don’t look at me that way. I don’t care if I don’t know what’s being discussed. When has that ever stopped me?
- I’m a little tired of these ridiculously graphic “stop smoking” commercials trying to scare smokers into quitting. News flash ass monkey ad execs, the majority of people in North American DON’T smoke so your highly disturbing commercials are actually more offensive to the people who are doing their part than it is for the few who continue to smoke.
- I’d sell a kidney to be Nelly Furtado’s jeans for a day.
- If I owned a building and was renting apartments, my office would be laid out with ninja pressure plates throughout. Any potential renters would have to approach my desk. If they tripped my traps with their heavy footed selves they would SO not get a top floor apartment.
- I’m done with the Bud Light “I’m in, I’m out” promotion. It’s bullshit. The bottom line is the I’m out guy has a job and will keep it. Nuff said.
- Tried brushing my tongue today. Gag reflex kicked in. The bathroom will never be the same. Won’t be trying that again.
- People often confuse wisdom with being smart. I’m not smart. I’m humble. I’m incredibly witty. I’m devastatingly awesome but certainly not smart by any means. I’m very wise though. Wisdom comes from experience and learning from those experiences. Being smart means you have a lot of acquired knowledge. Some may argue it’s the same thing but it’s not. If I were both smart and wise I would have this world under my thumb by now, but alas… I was created to be just wise. I will rule this world one day though. I won’t let a little thing like smarts get in my way.
- I just saw an exercise DVD advertised on TV. It’s pretty wicked. You can now train women in large groups to be whores and it includes their very own Ho Pole..err Flirty Girl Exercise Pole for just a dollar. Sweet.
I shit you not. Check the 1:43 mark and see if I’m lying about the pole.
- I think my cat farted on me last night. I didn’t think they were capable of doing that but I won’t be resting my head near his bum anymore.
- I should move forward with my new product campaign. INSTANT WATER – Just add water. All I need is a distributer…
- Is Sisqo dead? He used to be popular but isn’t anymore. I liked his shiny hair.
Do you believe there is a part of yourself, deep inside in your mind, with things you don’t want other people to see?
I feel like a cad for not writing much as of late. I thought I had been lacking things to talk about and that was the cause of my writer’s block. Turns out that’s not the case. It’s the polar opposite. My mind is incredibly unfocused because I have too much to talk about actually. I came to this stunning realization watching The Ricky Gervais Show the other day. If you’re unfamiliar with it, I highly suggest you watch an episode or two to really appreciate the brilliance of Karl Pilkington. He’s my new idol now. He lives up to his moniker of being The Most Brilliant Man in the World. Karl’s insights into everyday life often leave people flabbergasted. Many can’t fathom that a person can be so utterly naive but I’m a firm believer in the fact that some people’s train of thought just doesn’t go to the same cities as most.
In honor of Karl I’ve decided to share with you a half hour inside my mind while I toil away with coding and programming. This isn’t quite a free thought exercise because I did have to come here and spend an hour doing the classic editing and dolling up before posting but it’ll give you a good idea as to why I don’t think like most. In true WordPress fashion I present my first random thought list….
- Why is it cute if a baby pukes on you but if you puke on a baby you’re vilified?
- There should be a Child Return Program for parents who have dysfunctional children. Not handicapped, just the persistently bad ones. You know the ones where no matter what you do as a parent they still are bad. They’re obviously broken so you should have the option to return them and get a loaner while they fix your kid. A loner with the option to trade in… yeah… I like that.
- There is no Ian, only Zuul.
- I’m tired of the Broadview Home Security commercials that show the “classic” damsel in distress with the lonely female or mother and child suddenly terrorized by a male burglar. Like dudes can’t and won’t get scared if someone broke into their house. Truth be told, as crazy as mofos are now I’d be kinda scared shitless if someone broke into my place cuz there’s no telling what they can or would do.
- Aragorn is a highly underrated actor. Just watch The Road.
- I like wontons.
- I think zebras were given a raw deal cuz really… where can they hide?
- I’m built like a treasure troll. Maybe I can be that for Halloween this year. All I need is a wig and a belly jewel. (Welcome to your worst thought of the day folks)
- Do secret documents really have the word SECRET scrawled on them?
- Professional Video Gaming, Golf, Poker, Darts and NASCAR are NOT sports FFS. They’re GAMES of competition, not physical sports. Sports dictates a a certain semblance of physical training and/or performance. While some may argue that you have to physically train for race car driving and golf, it’s a moot point when you see tubby bastards and old decrepid fuckers out there doing it. Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of skill training involved but you don’t see me trying to get the World Series of Web Design started, do ya? My field requires a lot of skill. How about World Championship Sketching? Get over yourselves already. You’re not athletes and you never will be. Your products of the media’s attempt to wrangle viewers for the idiot box. End of story.
- Nickelback is dope. That is all.
- Prunes get a bad rep. Perhaps it’s time they get rebranded as something else cuz when you hear the word “prune” you think of bowel movements and old people.
- Boobs rule. I dunno why. They just do. I’ve never really sat back and thought of why. I’m quite certain there must be some kind of genetic homing beacon embedded in there somewhere. 9 times out of 10 ladies catch a dude clocking her breasts and get offended. Ease up oh ye owners of the magic globes. It could be a heck of a lot worse. If staring at boobs was all about sex wouldn’t you think there would be far more crotchal staring going on? Imagine that the next time someone is staring and be thankful instead of disgusted.
- Note to self: Never shave the moustache off ever again. I look like a caramel chimp without my whiskers.
- Ever notice how “they” are responsible for so much in the world. Who the hell are “they”?
- 60% of the time my plans work all the time.
- Note to advertisers who want us to believe the supposed “real person” testimonials – hire people who don’t have bone white teeth. It’s kinda hard for me to believe a person’s comments are legit when I’m shielding my eyes from they glare off their teeth cuz we all know everyone in real life have shining pearly whites…
- Someone should really put Paul Walker and Channing Tatum in an arena and have them do battle with a pack of rabid badgers. No this isn’t a movie idea. I want this to actually happen. It’d be awesome. Chances are one of them would get mauled and die and I wouldn’t have to suffer their terrible acting anymore. A world without at least one of them would be a better one for you and me indeed.
- I still don’t know what the hell a hubris is and I refuse to learn how to use it in a sentence.