Posts tagged “rant

Happy 100th Post to Me!


Okay so it’s technically not my 100th blog post. If you count all the posts I’ve made in my Zombie Apocalypse Blog and my shared Nunavut one, I’m probably nearing 150. Today I celebrate my 100th official post on my personal blog. When I first started doing this last year I never would have expected I’d write so much. Of course it’s nowhere near the amount some bloggers post at but it’s a major accomplishment for me. In honor of this monumental post I have recruited my dear buddy Amy over at Fix It or Deal and my lovely wife over at Massively Attacked to assist me on this project.

We’ve all heard some pretty stupid things in our lives. Heck many of us are guilty of saying idiotic things and don’t even realize it. That is why I’m taking it back to my roots once again and presenting you, the faithful, with my diatribe about my top 100 of the most annoying things people tend to say. Don’t feel bad if you see yourself on this list. I know I occupy at least half the spots on this list so take solace in that you’re hanging with good company. 😉

  1. “There are no stupid questions”
    Oh there certainly are. Stop trying to convince the stupid that they’re not really stupid. Let them take responsibility for their actions for a change.
  2. “Can I ask you a question”
    Is that not a question?
  3. “New and improved”
    If something is new how can it be improved? It’s either or.
  4. “I’m only human”
    What the hell else can you be? A banana?
  5. “Same difference”
    Contradictory. Something can’t be the same and yet different.
  6. “I, myself “or “I, personally”
    Oh my GOD… are you that vain that you have to refer to yourself twice at the start of a sentence??
  7. “I thought to myself”
    Unless you’re Professor X I can’t see how anything else is possible.
  8. “Does it hurt?”
    Of course it does! Whether or not I choose to whine about it is another story.
  9. “Did I wake you?”
    Obviously if you’re asking me this question.
  10. “I don’t mean to interrupt”
    You obviously do otherwise you’d shut the hell up and wait.
  11. “Can we talk?”
    Sure we can. Most people can. Do I want to talk to you? No.
  12. “All I know is…”
    That’s a pretty belittling statement about yourself.
  13. “All I have to say is…”
    Is it ever really all you have to say?
  14. “I’m just saying”
    No. You’ve said it a few times by now so there’s no just about it.
  15. “That’s what I’m talking about”
    Funny how this is often said when he person hasn’t even said anything about the subject yet.
  16. “It’s always the last place you look”
    Of course because that’s where you find it. Duh!
  17. “Good things come to those who wait”
    No. Good things come to those who are patient and take advantage of opportunities when they present themselves. Those who wait are lazy, lethargic, useless wastes of space.
  18. “I could care less”
    This suggests that you’re brimming with care and could scale back a little. Perhaps you should go over your grammar basics and say “I couldn’t care less”. Big difference.
  19. “There’s no time like the present”
    That is so profound. When exactly did you get the DeLorean up and running?
  20. “Truthfully/to be honest with you”
    Were you lying to me before this??
  21. “This will hurt me more than it hurts you”
    Oh this is so false. I’m quite certain that if I shot you and felt bad about doing it your gaping wound would hurt a helluva lot more.
  22. “It’s not you, it’s me”
    Wow. Really? You are so noble to assume the blame for everything. That doesn’t make you an asshole after all.
  23. “Money doesn’t buy happiness”
    Being broke doesn’t either. At least money makes you very very content.
  24. Practice makes perfect”
    There is no such thing as perfection so it’s misleading to think you can achieve it.
  25. “I beg to differ”
    Have you ever really met someone who actually begs to disagree with you? It kind of just happens.
  26. “That was then, this is now”
    Yet another overly profound statement by someone trying to be profound. Way to state the obvious there, buddy.
  27. “Get a life”
    You mean I haven’t been alive all this time? ZOMBIE!
  28. “I can’t wait”
    You have to. There is no other option.
  29. “I would like to…”
    I despise this lead in to statements like “I would like to compliment you” or “I would like to apologize”. This just tells me you really don’t want to. If you want to say sorry, just say sorry. Don’t want to say it.
  30. “Ya or You know? “
    Got to love the insecurity of needing to ask every five minutes whether the person you’re speaking to gets what you’re saying.
  31. “I know right?”
    Nothing says dink quite like this one.
  32. “Literally”
    I hate it when people try to use this as a point of emphasis. “I literally jumped out of my skin”. Really? And you’re still alive?
  33. “Everyone knows…”
    That’s a pretty blatant lie. If everyone knew then why would there be a misunderstanding in the first place?
  34. “They say…”
    Ahh the infamous “they” sources. “They” apparently know a lot of things and “they” are responsible for even more yet no one can ever name them specifically.
  35. “Irregardless”
    It’s not a word. Plain and simple. Get it through your thick skulls. Putting an “ir” in front of something isn’t creative. It just confirms you’re an idiot.
  36. “That goes without saying”
    They why’d you say it?
  37. “Bottom line”
    Funny how there’s always several more points that follow.
  38. “With all due respect”
    Always precedes something insulting or disrespectful. People act like it’s a free pass to say whatever you like afterwards.
  39. “Like”
    Like it totally drives me like crazy when people like use the word like to much.
  40. “Forget it”
    Always used when an argument takes a bad turn but do we ever really forget it?
  41. “We’re pregnant”
    Stupid statement couples use. I’m pretty sure men haven’t started sprouting ovaries and I know the lovely ladies out there will contend that there is no “we” about being pregnant other than the mother and the Tasmanian devil known as a child.
  42. “I’m having a blonde moment”
    While blondes often set the standard idiocy knows no creed, color or race. Just look at Charlie Sheen.
  43. “Carmel”
    It’s CAR–A-MEL you dumbasses! You sound more country than a sugar sandwich when you start making up new pronunciations.
  44. “You’ll change your mind once you have a kid”
    Always used by parents towards those with no children. However why after you have a child why is it that 18 years later you’re thrilled as hell to get rid of them? Kinda hypocritical if you ask me.
  45.  “Brah”
    It’s BRO and if you’re not black or actually a sibling then don’t use it. You just sound lame.
  46. “Ghetto”
    Okay. Seriously. If you don’t come from the ghetto, never been to the ghetto or have ever seen a ghetto don’t deem something as that because it’s below your posh standards.
  47. “Do I look fat?”
    Trick question. If you say yes you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s not true you’re fucked. If you say no and it’s true you’re still fucked because they think you’re lying.
  48. “The shit’s gonna hit the fan”
    That’s just nasty and I have no idea how it got associated with trouble.
  49. “Shit happens”
    Makes one believe a crap can happen at any given moment. Unless this is Jackass I find it highly unlikely
  50.  “It’s a piece of cake”
    How the hell did this ever get associated with something being simple. It doesn’t even make sense!!
  51. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too”
    Are you kidding me? The reason why I’d have cake in the first place IS to eat it. Why would I just hold on to cake?
  52.  “Easy as pie”
    Making a pie is NOT easy. Try it. From scratch. See how long it takes you.
  53.  “I saw it with my own eyes”
    As opposed to?
  54. “Put your best foot forward”
    How does one know which foot is the best? I a couple of broken toes on my left one and my right one was dislocated a dozen years ago and never healed properly.
  55. “Cross my heart and hope to die”
    That’s just morbid. Why would want to do that?
  56. “If I were you…”
    You’d know better than to utter those words.
  57. “Better late than never”
    Tell that to pizza delivery people.
  58. “Why are all the good men taken?”
    Always said by the most greedy, bitchy, dimwitted, pretentious good for nothing chicks.
  59. “The tables have turned”
    People don’t even know where this phrase came from and end up using it improperly. It was a term used back in the colonial days. People used to butcher their fresh meat on the same table they would eat on. They would simply flip the top upside down to have their dinner. The phase came to be when they didn’t want someone to come in they’d “turn the table” to the butcher side to show they were busy and didn’t want company.
  60. “Welcome to my world”
    Wow. You must be some kind of extra-dimensional being that has graced our world from the great beyond with you holier-than-thou attitude.
  61. “Walk a mile in my shoes”
    I can’t even walk a kilometer in my own shoes. Why the hell would I want to walk in your shoes? Chances are you’re not even a size 12 so I’m at an even bigger disadvantage.
  62. “The only thing to fear is fear itself”
    Uhm no. If you’re standing face-to-face with a polar or brown bear it is definitely the bear you should be very afraid of.
  63. “Nunuvvit “
    It pains me to hear people, especially Canadians, butcher a name so badly. It’s Noon-a-Voot, dammit! That’s like saying the Yuck-on or Vane-cow-ver or Basstin… oh wait. They actually do call Boston Basstin. ;p
  64. “110%”
    Okay seriously. Let’s just stop trying to make your effort more than it mathematically can be. You’re not impressing or convincing anyone.
  65.  “It’s all good”
    I’m utterly guilty of this one. It always manages to come out when a situation is clearly not that good.
  66.  “Upmost”
    It’s utmost, you ignorant asses. They’re doing remarkable things in GED programs nowadays. You should check them out.
  67. “Dialogue”
    Sheer mutilation of grammar when you hear folks say “We need to have a dialogue” or “Let’s dialogue”.


    (Contributed by She.Is.Just.A.Rat)

  68. “Nucular”
    It’s “nuclear” folks…NEW-clear not nuke-u-lar…
  69. “Some of my best friends are gay/black/Hispanic/etc.”
    If you must insist this, you’re probably racist/homophobic/etc.
  70. “I didn’t do nothing”
    Well then, you must have done something PLUS you’re totally guilty of bad grammar.
  71. “totes”
    As in I’m totally going to do something…come to think of it, totally isn’t too spectacular of a word either.
  72. “Y’all”
    ESPECIALLY if you’re in the south
  73. Galaxifying everything – as in Twitterverse, blogosphere, etc
  74. “Shouldn’t of”
    It’s shouldn’t have, Einstein
  75. “It’s not rocket science”
    Yeah, well, it still might be above my head, FFS
  76. “Trust me”
    This usually means the opposite of what you should be doing when someone says this
  77. “Everything happens for a reason”
    No, I’m pretty sure there’s some random chaotic shit that occurs for absolutely no reason.  This however, does not preclude ‘cause and effect’.
  78. “Takes one to know one”
    This is the slightly more adult version of “I know you are, but what am I?”
  79. “Epic”
    That is all.
  80. “BFF”
    …can go and die in a hole right now.
  81. “Exact same”
    Redundancy at its finest
  82. “There are no losers today”
    Unless it’s a tie, someone’s performance was NOT as good as that of someone else.  So there is definitely a loser.
  83. “I could be wrong”
    Yes, you could.  And you probably are.
  84. “You can do anything you put your mind to”
    Lies!  I’ve been willing myself to fly for years now…and I still can’t do that.  There are some things you’ll never do.
  85. “Awhile”
    It’s “a while”. Stop making up new words because you’re lazy.
  86. “If it’s not one thing, it’s another”
    Wow.  Did you figure that out through process of elimination?
  87. “Dirt poor or filthy rich”
    Well what is it?  Because I need to know the proper level of grubby that I need to be here…
  88. “Conversate”
    I know you want to use this word when you mean “converse”, but it doesn’t make you sound any more intelligent than you are.  In fact, it usually has the opposite effect.
  89. “You can’t do that!”
    Oh yes I can…watch me!  Just because I’m not allowed to, doesn’t mean I can’t do it.
  90. ANYTHING the news says to get you to watch e.g. “You won’t believe what’s threatening your life at the grocery store now…coming up at 5!”


    (Contributed by Amy)

  91. “What can I do ya for?”
    Was this ever clever? Can we strike this from our collective lexicon?
  92. “My husband would never let me do that.”
    Are you kidding me? You’re not an indentured servant, don’t act like one.
  93. “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.”
    Actually, sometimes when bad things happen they eat at you and tear you down and make you weak. Just because I survived doesn’t mean I’m stronger for it. It just means that I didn’t roll over and die. Please stop saying this to people.
  94. “Someone’s cranky this morning.”
    Saying this to me is a good way to get punched in the throat.
  95. “Hey, girl.”
    This, by itself, isn’t annoying, but try hearing it from a 50+ year old, gold-chain-wearing sleeze-ball on a daily basis and you’ll develop a chronic dislike of these two words. Trust me on this.
  96. “Computers don’t like me.”
    They aren’t dogs. They can’t smell fear. Learn how to use a mother-frackin’ computer!
  97. “Can you help me un-jam the copier?”
    Translation: Can you un-jam the copier while I stand behind you and huff impatiently?
  98. “Just kidding.” or “I’m only joking.”
    Really? I thought you were deadly serious when you said you were going to lock your mother-in-law in the basement like the troll you suspect she is. How awkward. I’ve already called the cops. (Hint: If we’re laughing with you, we know you’re joking. You don’t have to clarify.)
  99. “Oh, I’m wacky. You never know what I’ll do next.”
    Unlike #98, if you feel the need to tell people you are wild/crazy/wacky, then you’re probably the exact opposite.
  100.  “How many kids do you have?”
    It’s amazing how many people assume that because I am married and of child-bearing age I must have children so they just skip the standard “Do you have kids?” question and jump right to asking how many. Fair warning: If you ask me this question be prepared for my stock answer of “After I sold the first three on the black market, I stopped keeping count.”

As always if you’ve found something I’ve said offensive, derogatory or demeaning then by all mean send your complaints to:

getasenseofhumor@pissoff.com

Thank you and have a pleasant tomorrow!

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Insomnia, blogging, Arctic Char, Bell monkies and a traitorous unicorn


2:39am.

That’s when the sky starts to lighten up now. That’s about an hour earlier then at the beginning of the week. I’m a little concerned that my demeanor is slowly devolving into something that is a cross between Bugs Bunny and a zombie. My level of cynicism and sarcasm has risen to an all time high, my brain is constantly firing but it’s spouting out gibberish 90% of the time fused with inaudible groans, I stumble about more than usual without being drunk and I may as well hook myself up to the coffee IV at this point in time – which sucks because unlike normal humans coffee isn’t a stimulant for me. I drink it to relax myself and fall asleep sometimes.

Sleep.

I’m finding it incredibly hard to sleep up here. Correction, I’m finding it incredibly hard to sleep normally up here. My wife will contend that I sleep just fine but that’s not what my mind or body is telling me. It’s not that I can’t sleep with the sun out. Hell I can sleep standing up in a fully lit (and moving) subway car so that’s not an issue. It’s what this nuisance known as the sun is doing to me mentally. I find myself forcing myself to sleep rather than having it happen naturally. When we first came up here many moons ago I was absolutely in my element. I am a child of the night. Sorta like a sexy vampire but with no bloodsucking and looser pants. I’m alive at night. I work best at night. I write my best at night. When days consisted of 19hrs of darkness and 5 hours of light I was in my zone blogging, working and being just an Energizer Bunny full of life. I’m kinda glad I was at the peak of my blogging because had I started now I’d probably would have never blogged at all. It’s brutal. I couldn’t have anticipated how much a few extra hours of daylight would have such a profound impact on my daily living.

Who am I kidding? I’ve never liked the sun.

Regardless, as the days get longer and longer my Bizarro Superman darkness-fueled powers fade more and more. And we’re not even into Summer yet. That’s where the real fun begins. From what I’m constantly told we don’t get full on 24hrs of daylight because we’re just outside the infamous arctic circle but let’s just say it never really gets dark either. Woo hoo. Mix that with my wife into a new kick of playing music to go to sleep at night and I’m in store for a wonderous next couple of months. Mind you, she just bought a white noise machine not too long ago to help her sleep. You know those rainforesty, crashing waves crickets fucking type of things but apparently she’s abandoned that for block rockin’ beats.

I sleep with earplugs. Not by choice. It started back when there were habitual partying neighbors above us in our old apartment. I’m the kind of person that can fall asleep anywhere at anytime if I’m tired but if there’s even a hint of unwelcomed noise, I can’t sleep. I later donned the plugs once again when a child with name of the Norse God of Gods, Odin, walked the Earth above me. He certainly lived up to his tremendous namesake. I thought in fleeing to the arctic north I would relieve myself from the noises (and voices) that plague me nightly but then Jemaine and Brit  decided they learned enough English and elected to test it out every morning at 5am by singing Lionel Richie’s “Hello”. Mind you they only know the hello part and while to some it may seem cute and amusing, I wholeheartedly believe I can make a cat fly before the end of the summer if it keeps up.

I apologize for a great many things…

I apologize for posting a Lionel Richie video. Although I think he should be apologizing for the video itself. The girl is blind and he says “is it me you’re looking for”. That’s just some cold-blooded non politically correct shit there Horse Man.

I apologize for the run on sentences and tangents that stray from the main point during the course of this post. But then again if I don’t have a point to begin with is it really straying from it?

I apologize for not being a daily poster. No… I don’t want to be a giant paper on a wall. I’m just sorry I can’t produce as much content as others in the blogiverse can. I have weeks worth of events, sights and experiences locked in my brain but the creature at the helm of my brain only allows me to blurt it out as he sees fit. I write articles, albeit weird and disjointed ones at times. I can’t just write to hear myself talk. Some people appear to thrive off of that but that’s just not me. While I do ramble, rant and babble I do it for the people 4700+ people who have and still do come to this blog who area interested (for some reason) in what I have to say.  Thank you loyal and demented followers (and those passing through). It’s always comforting being able to spread my infectious dribble across the world.

I apologize for having an Arctic char in the freezer. Yeah. I got a whole frozen fish in my freezer and have never scaled or gutted a fish in my life. It had to be purchased though. I recall salmon steaks and fillets running at least $9 – $12 in the south for the skimpiest portions. This is a whole fucking char, freshly caught, for $25. How could I pass up a deal like that? Course my do now, think later mentality has put me in yet another bind. I don’t care. I’ll defrost and cut that bastard up somehow.

I apologize to Missy for stealing her unicorn and assassinating her with it. I didn’t mean to. Okay… that’s a lie. I did but only because you were slowly killing me the entire time I was fighting my way through the inner ring. C’mon. I was broke, had no fate and was dragging a dragon carcass around for most of the night. The gnome in my pocket didn’t help out much either. When I saw my opportunity to take you down I went for it and prevailed as the ruler of all. If you’re reading this and don’t believe a word of what I’m saying there were three other witnesses to monumental event so I’m not crazy. Course there was a lot of drinking involved too and I do recall Missy requesting that I draw it at some point so I guess that’ll be a future post, eh?

I apologize to Bell and Corus Entertainment for living on Baffin Island. When we left Kitchener we brought our  receiver with us. Bell still offered service up here so we figured it was easiest to just bring it and not have to worry about getting a new one. For months we’ve had the same Astral Media programming we had down south. You know like The Movie Network and east coast stations. That all changed 2 days ago when the brainiacs over at Bell decided to switch our service without notice. Apparently, according to them, the entire territory of Nunavut falls under their west coast services. Nevermind the fact Nunavut makes up about a third of the entire country (with roughly half of that in the east).  I’m no geographer but last I recall Iqaluit is still in the Eastern Time Zone. Heck, if you pull out a map or a globe you’ll see that we’re further east than Kitchener, Toronto and even New York so of course I want to see west coast programming. Does this make even remotely any sense to you? Maybe my sleep deprivation is making me see things in a skewed perspective but doesn’t it bear to reason that if I’m in an East Coast time zone, shouldn’t I get east coast programming? Bless Bell and the monkeys they have working there.

Lastly I apologize for being awesome. Over the last few weeks I’ve come under a lot of fire from critics and cynics for my proclamation of awesomeness. It’s understandable that there is a lot of animosity and jealousy when it comes to being in the presence of something truly awesome so in being the awesome guy that I am I’ll try my best to contain my aura. I’m not being egotistical or overly confident. I’m just being what I am. A tiger can’t help being a tiger. He’s born that way. I can’t help being awesome. I was born that way.


Logo Source: Courtesy World Wrestling Entertainment and the only person aside from myself allowed to refer to himself as awesome, WWE Champion Mike “The Miz” Mizanin

Nothing Like Rehearsal


Okay. This isn’t one of my typical, image laden, highly wordy posts. I usually like to write articles but this is so off the top of my head I figured I’d give it a whirl. In fact this came to me as I was sitting here trying to work.

My wife and I have been emailing back and forth about an issue we’re having with a 3rd party. Our buddy Missy told us from day one to never try to find logic where there is none up here. Foolishly, being a creature of pure logic (mixed with cruel cynicism) I often get worked up when the logic of a situation – or lack there of – fails to process in my head. So as I’m emailing Suzanne I notice I’m writing angrier and angrier. Not at her mind you, just bitching in general.

I decide to take a break and make a tuna salad sammich to get my mind off things. Halfway into constructing my meal I realize that my lips have been moving the whole time and I’ve quite literally been reciting a rant under my breath that I didn’t even know I was reciting. Apparently my brain decided it had enough, set my body on auto-pilot and started penning a rant for later use.

That frightens me.

I know I’m not crazy – or at least that’s what the voices in my head tell me – but wow. Has anyone else ever been so mad that you’ve ranted to yourself as if you’re giving it a test run before you unleash it on your intended target?


I don’t think he’s overly psychotic, but, I still think he’s quite sick.


I hate days like this.

It’s a blah monochrome day outside. The breeze coming in the window is quite chilly and once again I’m waiting for work to come in. It sucks being at the mercy of your clientele but welcome to the world of freelancing. It’s an inglorious, often misunderstood and unforgiving realm where self-respect is non-existent and you always have to “put on a good smile” even when you feel like stomping a mud hole in someone. It’s what’s commonly referred to as “the mask”.

We all put on our masks every day life. Don’t fool yourself and believe you don’t. Works masks, friend masks, parent masks, sibling masks, spousal masks, dude masks, whore masks, public masks, private masks… there’s a never ending supply of them and we don them as we see fit according to the social interaction we have to engage in. They can be as close to your true self as you can get or they can be as diverse a bag of jelly beans. We wears masks so often that sometimes we forget who we truly are inside. I know that’s the case with me sometimes. I’m often known as the funny or pleasant guy. Always respectful and constantly in pursuit of putting a smile on someone’s face. It does actually make me somewhat happy to make others happy – as cheesy as it may sound – but there comes times when not even that can bring up my spirits. It’s the classic tragic clown syndrome. Who makes the clown laugh?

Many times I feel like I’m losing my mind. I put on the happy-go-lucky face so often that when I don’t feel like being chipper – or cracking a joke or lightening the mood it feels wrong. Am I wrong for not wanting to be happy all the time? No person can be happy 24/7 (unless they have some really good drugs that they’re not sharing) but whenever I drift off into one of these despondent moods I’m immediately criticized or questioned as to why I’m “acting” them way I’m behaving. Can I not be uninspired and unimaginative for a little bit? It’s as though I’m expected to forever be the cheery informative creative guy despite having to go through all the same crap everyone else has to deal with on a daily basis. Maybe it’s not an act? Maybe I’m really just a pernicious person deep down inside and whenever I grow weary of trying to appease people all the time the real me begins to surface.

Who knows.

I just felt like squeezing out a rant (yet again) because people need to realize that nice people aren’t nice just because they’re born nice. It isn’t a mystical power we summon from an ancient amulet or a prescription pill we can pop when needed. It can’t be turned on and off like a light switch and it certainly isn’t an endless energy source. We get pissed just like you. We get angry, depressed, resentful, remorseful and vengeful just like anyone else – just more so because we handle our emotions the old school way. We bottle them up until they manifest into a health condition. ;p

Now I gotta go and find my beanie and my cardboard sign so I can whore around for some work while I’m waiting on my other clients. Cheers!