I know. Many of you have grown accustomed to be oddly named movie quote post titles. I will continue to do so when I feel the need to overly complicate my already complicated blog entries. However this time I’m breaking from the norm because I bring to you an exclusive story from the Catction News Room. As part of my ongoing investigation into the the strange behavioral patterns of felines, I present to you part one of The Secret Lives of Cats.
5:00am – Brit and Jemaine watch each other from across the room. Poised confidentially high atop her cat perch Brit looks down at Jemaine. He is stares intently back at her with his paws tucked underneath his massive body.
“You know what Jemaine? I’m bored. I’ve been awake for like an hour now and staring at you just isn’t cutting it” Brit huffs.
“Me too. Plus I’m hungry. I haven’t eaten in like what… 5hrs? I know I weigh damn near 20 lbs but I’m so desperately hungry that I feel compelled to do bad things in order to get Ian and Suzanne’s attention.” Jemaine scoffs as he rolls over on his side sexily.
Brit hops down a level and peers over the edge.
“So what are you going to do?”
“I dunno. I’m pretty close to the garbage can. I suppose I can just pull random pieces of trash out. That usually makes a good amount of noise.”
Excited with the prospect of being bad, Brit bounces down to the floor and sits next next to him. “You know I could probably bite at the cardboard box flaps of one of the dozens of open boxes around here. Cardboard tastes awesome and it’s so good for you.”
“I know, right?” Jemaine confirms enthusiastically “But tape is better. It’s so shiny and smells like it should be eaten. I tell you Brit, if I find some I’m SO eating it. Gawd I’m hungry. That’s it. I’m gonna do it. Watch out garbage! Here I come!”
Jemaine snakes his way over to the garbage pale and carefully but deliberately begins to pull pieces of trash out. The constant sound of rustling stirs Suzanne from an already tenuous night of sleep. She charges after Jemaine with water bottle in hand and fire a few shots. Like an overweight ninja he darts down the stairs and vanishes into the darkness of the basement. Suzanne returns to bed angry and unsettled.
5:14am – Under the cover of darkness Brit carefully makes her way over to one of the open boxes. The intoxicating aroma of corrugated cardboard prompts her to start nibbling at the corners. The sound isn’t deafening. It’s faint. Almost as if someone was rubbing a fine grade sand paper in your ear. Feeling guilty about letting Suzanne handle Jemaine earlier Ian springs in action. He figures the art of “shock and awe” will scare whoever it is away from the boxes and instill enough fear to prevent them from doing it again. He tries to wipe the crustiness from his eyes but by the time he’s done all he can see is a raccoon-like tail scurrying under the bed. There’s no way to tell which of the several boxes laying around is the one she was messing with so he reluctantly returns to bed hoping that the noise will cease.
6:01am – Feeling that enough time has passed since his last attempt at pulling some trash out of the bin, Jemaine makes his way back up the stairs. The hunger pains are tremendous now. It’s been a whole 6hrs and counting since the last meal. Silently they convene in the living room under the coffee table.
“You know what Brit? I’m still so very hungry. Would it be okay if I ate you?” Jemaine pleads to her.
“Uh no way man. That’s just not cool” she cautions as she slowly backs up.
“But c’mon Brit. I’m hungry. I won’t eat all of you. Just a little bit to tide me over till they feed me.”
“Dude. Seriously. No way. Besides you couldn’t catch me on your best day.” she jabs back at him.
Intrigued with the challenge Jemaine crouches low and begins to wiggle his bum. ” I can totally get you Brit. I’m bigger which means I’m faster.”
“Ha! You’re fat and I’m fast. Screw you I’m outta here.” she exclaims as she darts off into the bedroom.
Without hesitation Jemaine springs into action and is in hot pursuit. The sound of two mini horses galloping around and running into anything and everything in their way wakens both Ian and Suzanne. Incensed with their behavior, Ian grabs the water bottle and races after the two. The chase goes through the bedroom, living room and kitchen finally ending in the basement. With nowhere to go the dynamic duo receive a couple shots of water and a stern talking to. Although their breakfast isn’t until 8am, Suzanne reluctantly feeds them.
In the distance they hear the familiar “nyak nyak” call of the leader of the Cat Gang as she rises from her bed. Although she bears no relation to either of the upstarts she is universally recognized as the boss in these parts. All the commotion has caused Sophie to be awakened far ahead of her schedule and now she’s confused and angry. If you were 80 something years old you would be too. She doesn’t care so much for the fate of her cohorts. In fact she wouldn’t object to them being tossed out on the street over such behavior but right now her primary concern is finding her food and water. Despite the bowls being in the same place they’ve been for the past 3+ years she can’t help but to make a b-line for them shouting and complaining all the way.
The feline terrorists savor their victory and devour a good portion of their food before hunkering down for the day. The sun will be making its first appearance soon and that means bedtime in their world. As suddenly as it all began all is somewhat quiet again… for the moment.
To Be Continued….
November 4, 2010 | Categories: Creative Writing | Tags: animals, Brit, cats, creative writing, funny, humor, humour, Jemaine, news, pets, short story, Sophie | 10 Comments
Happy Post Halloween Everyone!
The wife and I had a great Halloween / Anniversary yesterday. Having dressed up for our reception last year it kinda sets the bar high for repeat performances each year. Suzanne understandably didn’t get dressed up but far be it for me to let some cold weather, stress from packing and no costume idea deter me from throwing something together. For a couple of years now I’ve contemplated tossing on my #7 jersey and walk around with a bloodied stuffed dog on a leash and be Michael Vick but I ultimately decided that wouldn’t be in good taste so I fell back on an old reliable favorite…
I had a ball concocting a thick gooey blood recipe. In the end some petroleum jelly, red food coloring, corn syrup (to loosen it up a bit) and cocoa powder (to darken it) did the trick. The torn apart skin came courtesy of this really gross putty-like Halloween makeup we got in a dollar store a couple years ago. You can mold it and blend it in to your skin so it did the trick in a pinch.
I’m sure the dear Mrs. Etheridge to fill everyone in on what happened throughout the day. Geez. It still doesn’t sound right saying that. Mrs. Etheridge has always been reserved for referring to my mother so it just feels weird calling Suzanne that. Anyway my night was capped off perfectly with, of course, some zombie action. No I’m not talking about creepy tantric freaky deaky sexual acts with the Mrs. I’m referring to watching the highly anticipated The Walking Dead premiere on AMC.
I should be flogged for not having collected the comic series. A guy who boasts about loving the genre so much should however, the comic world and I had a very turbulent divorce many years ago so there is a reason behind the madness. Perhaps one day I’ll reveal the details but not today. Today we’re talking zombies. For those of you who live under a rock (or just don’t follow the zombie horror genre) The Walking Dead is a black and white comic series first published in 2003 by Image comics and tells the story of a band of survivors trying to find safe haven amidst a zombie apocalypse. At 78 current issues the series won the 2010 Eisner Award for Best Continuing Series at the San Diego Comic Convention.
The AMC adaptation debuted last night and I must say I was rather impressed with it. I’ve been waiting for a good zombie tale for years now. After having to brave through bombs like Zombie Wars and Survival of the Dead my faith in the genre was hanging by a thin thread. I was so desperate for some legitimate zombie work that I even started writing a zombie blog tale months ago just to provide my fix. Thank goodness for Frank Darabont. He’s directed such hits as The Shawshank Redemption, The Green Mile and most recently The Mist and has single-handedly brought my faith back into the modern zombie. While a ton of credit must be paid to the comic creators Robert Kirkman and artist Tony Moore it takes a good writer and director to translate that to the small (or big) screen. Darabont doesn’t just give you a more developed view of zombies to revel over but allows you to see and feel the psychological effects of a cataclysmic event such as a zombie apocalypse.
The cast is an interesting one. Playing the lead character Rick Grimes is British actor Andrew Lincoln. I’m not too familiar with his work but you can rarely go wrong with a Brit in the lead. I’ve always appreciated how dedicated the English are to the craft with many of them being classically trained theater performers. The pilot episode focuses primarily on the main character so having someone compelling and convincing enough to hold the audience’s attention is a must and they found that with Mr. Lincoln. Fellow Brit Lennie James also joins Lincoln in the premiere playing a distraught father named Morgan Jones. Mr. James is no stranger to the post apocalyptic world having played Special Agent Robert Hawkins in the prematurely canceled series Jericho. Those of you unfamilair with him can get a pretty good understanding of how fantastic he is just by watching the premiere. He’s an incredibly intense actor with a wide range. Let’s just say he has that uncanny abilty to convey emotion like few can. I’m not a fan of giving spoiler riddled reviews of shows so you’ll just have to watch the series to understand.
All in all I am totally enthusiastic about this series. I had a glimmer of doubt that it might be the nail in the coffin for my love of all things zombie but in fact it opened up the lid and let them out. I hope that they’re able to continue impressing me with the upcoming 5 episodes. My heart is heavy though. The last time I got so buzzed about a television series they canceled it after two seasons despite it having a huge following. It just goes to show you that if it ain’t CSI Montana or Law and Order: Kindergarten Patrol then it won’t last on network TV. Thank goodness this is being branded as an original series by AMC. Their two other original powerhouses Mad Men and Rubicon seem to be doing well so hopefully The Walking Dead will walk tall along side them.
November 1, 2010 | Categories: General Thoughts | Tags: amc, andrew lincoln, apocalypse, comics, costume, CSI, eisener award, frank darabont, halloween, Jericho, law and order, lennie james, mad men, michael vick, morgan jones, news, post apocalyptic, rick grimes, robert hawkins, robert kirkman, rubicon, san diego comic convention, series, stephen king, survival of the dead, television, the green mile, the mist, the shawshank redemption, the walking dead, tony moore, tv, undead, zombie wars, zombies | 13 Comments
It’s funny hearing about all the myths and misinterpretations regarding Canadians. Being a former New Yorker I too am guilty of either cracking jokes or being misinformed about at least a couple of them. I have the unique perspective of having lived on both sides of the fence of ignorance and I feel compelled to clear up the fog of confusion regarding the World’s Most Friendly Country:
It’s always cold in Canada and everyone lives in igloos – The latter is more playful ribbing than anything but one of the most popular misconceptions is that it’s always cold in Canada. The majority of the country is along the same latitude as the United Kingdom yet you never hear any cold jokes about the Brits. Some of the northern regions are of course in the Arctic circle and tend to have rather frigid conditions but for the most part Canadians experience the same weather one would receive in any northern state in the US. In fact I can recall quite a few days just this past summer where highs Toronto beat out those in New York and Boston. Winters may last a little longer but the temperatures are pretty consistent. Here’s the averages in January from various locales across Canada:
(Source: The Weather Network)
- Vancouver, BC: 32 / 43°Fahrenheit (0 / 6°Celsius)
- Edmonton, AB: -2 / 18°F, (-19 / -8°C)
- Yellowknife, NWT: -24 / -9°F, (-31 / -23°C)
- Inukjuak, NU: -17 / -4°F, (-27 / -20°C)
- Winnipeg, MB: -9 / 10°F, (-23 / -12°C)
- Ottawa, ON: 5 / 23°F, (-15 / -5°C)
- Toronto, ON: 14 / 28°F, (-10 / -2°C)
- Montréal, QC: 7 / 23°F, (-14 / -5°C)
- Halifax, NS: 16 / 30°F, (-9 / -1°C)
- St. John’s, NF: 19 / 32°F, (-7 / 0°C)
- Canada has better beer than the States – I’m not going to touch this one for fear of being hung from the gallows by overly-patriotic Americans. Everyone is proud of their nation’s beer. Germany is probably the world’s undisputed King of the Brew but as far as who follows after is dependent on each individual’s personal taste. I for one am not a huge beer drinker (heresy I know) so it doesn’t really matter to me. All I do know is that two of the American big guns, Budweiser and Coors, taste like someone spilled their crappy beer in some club soda. Labatte Blue (known locally as just a Blue) and Molson Canadian are far stronger beers and are way easier to down – that’s just a personal opinion though. While Canada may or may not rank in the top 5 worldwide I seriously doubt they fall below the US in that category. I invite anyone from abroad to come sample the ale before making rash judgments. You’d be quite surprised with the results.
- Canada only has poutine and maple syrup as their only contributions to fine cuisine – Canada has a very diverse range of dishes that spans from coast to coast. Canada, like most large nations, is a melting pot of cultures so you can see a lot of Eastern European, South American, African and Asian influences in the cooking. Some examples of regional foods are:
- From the East Coast – Irish Stew, Fish Chowders, Bangbellies (a pork/rice bun), Toutons (Pork Bread), and Duffs (like a dumpling), Molasses Tarts and Partridge Berry Coffee Cake, chocolate bread pudding, oat bread, Cape Breton scones, Creamed Potato Balls, Baked Stuffed Lobster
- Native – Posole Stew (uses hominy), corn casserole, Frypan Fork Bread, Cornmeal pudding, Maple Fudge, Wojape (a berry pudding)
- Quebec – Crème Caramel, French Onion Soup, Split Yellow Pea Soup, Garlic Pork Pot Roast, Cipate (Chicken, meat and vegetable casserole with biscuit topping), 3 crust blueberry pie, poutine
- Ontario – Pine Nut Stuffed Quail, pickled yellow beans, apple butter, headcheese, smoked ham, creamed potatoes, vanilla pie, ice wine, BBQ’s, hot sauces, doughnuts, perogies
- Prairies (I’m not too familiar with foods from this region of Canada) – Crusted Pork Tenderloin, Wild Mushroom Barley Ragout & Summer Vegetables, Grilled Asparagus, Saskatoon Pie
- B.C. – Goats Cheese Terrine, Raisin scones with clotted cream, sablefish, Nanaimo Bars, Poached Salmon, Maple Glazed Chicken Breasts, Oysters, Flatbreads, Vegan cuisine and anything disgustingly healthy (i.e. tofu, miso soup, etc.)
- Canadians always say “eh” and “aboot” – I can honestly say that I have never heard a Canadian utter the words “aboot” in the 10+ years I’ve been here. Course I’ve only been in the Ontario region for the most part so who knows what goes on in the rest of the country. I don’t know where it came from originally but I found it funny as hell when South Park would make fun of it (even if it was confounded). “Eh” on the other hand is something you hear quite frequently though. I’ve even mastered the dialect well enough to use it like a true Canadian as well. Oddly enough it’s not used any more frequently than New Yorkers use “yo” or “aye”. Basically all I had to do to fit in was replace my yo’s with eh’s and say cah-fee instead of cawfee when referring to coffee and all is well.
Canada has no military – I’ve always made fun of the Canadian Armed Forces having to fight with sporks but the Canadian military is no joke indeed. This one institution consists of three main branches: Maritime Command (MARCOM), Land Force Command (LFC), and Air Command (AIRCOM), which are together overseen by the Armed Forces Council, chaired by the Chief of the Defence Staff. Their annual funding comes to approximately $21.8 billion (ranked 13th), and are presently ranked 74th in size compared to the world’s other armed forces by number of total personnel, and 58th in terms of active personnel, standing at a strength of roughly 67,000, plus 26,000 reservists, 33 warships spread out amongst 2 fleets, 391 aircraft (which is the third largest in the Americas) and over 3600 currently deployed in the Middle East. The statistics are truly humbling and I tip my hat to all those men and women across the world who are serving for their respective countries. It’s a thankless task but your efforts are truly appreciated by many.- Canadians are always nice – True to an extent. Every country has their fare share of assholes, douches and idiots. You tend to find them once you’ve lived there for a while. Canada just does a good job of not letting them be the face of the country.
- Canada has no contributions to science – Blasphemy. In fact Canada has burned a trail in many fields and is a world leader in regards to contributions to scientific advancement. From Canola Oil to the Blackberry Canada has had it’s hands in the development of many of the technologies and medical breakthroughs we take for granted. I could probably ramble on for days about all of the innovations but if you’re really interested have a peek here and see for yourself.
Canada has no film industry – It’s hard to find a movie or TV show that isn’t shot in Vancouver or Toronto nowadays. Chances are if it’s shot in Canada, it has some Canadian actors in it as well. They’ve assimilated into Hollywood so well that many of you don’t even realize some of the best stars are in fact Canadian. From Playboy’s Pam Anderson to Star Trek’s William Shatner Canadians have infiltrated all facets of media. Okay so Keanu isn’t the greatest star ever, but you all ate the Matrix up with a fork and spoon so he did his job.The actual Canadian film industry is a budding one. It makes me laugh whenever I hear Canadians say “Yup, that’s definitely a Canadian film” having only seen a few minutes of whatever is on. It’s not from lack of effort. Despite many film and television projects being funded by the government, it nowhere near the same league as Hollywood in regards to financial backing. The Toronto International Film Festival, founded in 1976, l is one of the most prestigious film festivals in the world now. In 1998, Variety magazine acknowledged that “the Festival is second only to Cannes in terms of high-profile pics, stars and market activity.” If you think Canadians haven’t got their fingers on the pulse of the movie industry, you’re sorely mistaken.- Everyone speaks French in Canada – While that may be true to a degree in Quebec, the majority of the country does in fact speak English – well. In fact most Canadians are bi-lingual.
- Canada’s national sport is hockey – True. In 1994, the Federal Government introduced Bill C-212 that officially made hockey Canada’s National Winter sport and Lacrosse Canada’s National Summer sport. Canadians are definitely passionate about their hockey but don’t believe for an instant that is the only sport accepted up here. Baseball, Football (American and Soccer), Golf, Curling, Boxing and MMA as well as pretty much any winter sport you can imagine from skiing to snowboarding.
- Canadians have no guns or crime – Oh there’s crime here, believe me. And guns. Domestic violence and Robbery/burglary crimes seem to be the most prevalent. There are probably more guns in Canada than in the States based on the fact that this is a hunting nation with the vast majority of the country being wilderness. The big difference is that Canadians aren’t shooting one another. Their preferred methods tend to be fists and knives. It still strikes me as odd to read about small businesses being robbed at knife-point. You don’t hear about that much in New York.
All Canadian cops are mounties – That’s probably as ignorant as it gets. The RCMP (Royal Canadian Mounted Police) is the national police force of Canada, and one of the most recognized of its kind in the world. It is unique in the world as a national, federal, provincial and municipal policing body. The RCMP provides federal policing service to all of Canada and policing services under contract to the three territories, eight provinces (the RCMP does not serve as provincial or municipal police in Ontario and Quebec), more than 190 municipalities, 184 Aboriginal communities and three international airports. They’re like the Feds in the States. Every province has their own police service such as the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) which are the equivalent of state government agencies such as the NYPD or LAPD. The RCMP have jurisdiction over them all. Cool, eh?- Toronto is the nation’s capitol – With over 2.5 million residents, it is the fifth most populous municipality in North America. I think the popular misconception is that Toronto is in fact the capitol of Ontario. Ottawa, the second largest city in Ontario, is the nation’s capitol.
My name is Ian and I am proud to call myself an AmeriCan. 😀
October 21, 2010 | Categories: Commentary | Tags: aboot, african, asian, beer, blog, blogging, bob & doug mckenzie, budweiser, Canada, canadian, canadian armed forces, carrie ann moss, coors, crime, cuisine, curling, eastern european, eh, food, football, french, golf, guns, hockey, hoser, igloo, keanu reeves, lacrosse, LAPD, military, mounties, new york, news, NYPD, ottawa, pam anderson, playboy, poutine, rcmp, royal canadian mounted police, science, soccer, south american, south park, star trek, the matrix, the weather network, tiff, toronto, toronto international film festival, united states, william shatner | 17 Comments
I bring to you today a classic in the annals of poor scamming.
So I wake up this morning and start sifting through my email and I come across a very important letter . Apparently Orville Rosario of the US Government felt it was imperative to write me and inform me that online tax ID had failed and I needed to contact them as soon as possible. Because I’m apparently supposed to be easily spooked and panicky because it’s HTML formatted I’m expected to click the link in the email. So I decided to be a sport about it and publicly humiliate the letter before I send it off to the FBI’s phishing department.
Let’s play find the typos!
and here’s your answer key.
Enjoy!
October 19, 2010 | Categories: Random Madness | Tags: comedy, fraud, funny, humor, Internet, news, scams, spam, web technology | 8 Comments
The $#!& I Think About 
The power of the force has stopped you, you hosers.
It’s funny hearing about all the myths and misinterpretations regarding Canadians. Being a former New Yorker I too am guilty of either cracking jokes or being misinformed about at least a couple of them. I have the unique perspective of having lived on both sides of the fence of ignorance and I feel compelled to clear up the fog of confusion regarding the World’s Most Friendly Country:
(Source: The Weather Network)
My name is Ian and I am proud to call myself an AmeriCan. 😀
October 21, 2010 | Categories: Commentary | Tags: aboot, african, asian, beer, blog, blogging, bob & doug mckenzie, budweiser, Canada, canadian, canadian armed forces, carrie ann moss, coors, crime, cuisine, curling, eastern european, eh, food, football, french, golf, guns, hockey, hoser, igloo, keanu reeves, lacrosse, LAPD, military, mounties, new york, news, NYPD, ottawa, pam anderson, playboy, poutine, rcmp, royal canadian mounted police, science, soccer, south american, south park, star trek, the matrix, the weather network, tiff, toronto, toronto international film festival, united states, william shatner | 17 Comments